Ya know, you probably just want to skip below. I'll post it anyway, but you probably already know pretty much what I'll say. If a strong unsympathetic 2x4 isn't going to help, just skip it. I don't really think at this point that it will be helpful, but on the off-chance... --------- Hey,
A few quick thoughts...
(1) Please try to take the pressure off your kids. You don't tell someone "hey, its OK if you like so and so," if it is really OK. Your kids know, they feel the pressure, it isn't good for them. Imagine a parent telling one of your students, "Gee son, maybe art is kind of gay, but if you really like it, go for it, I'll be fine, really." This does nothing other than broadcast the parent's disapproval of art and that the parent will in fact have a problem if the kid pursues it.
(2) To take the pressure off the kids, you have to get past your GF baggage.
(3) Why do you hold onto the GF stuff so tightly? GF did not cause the end of your M or the problems in your M. Your XH's betrayal of you was far worse -- he was the one in your M, not GF. Yet, you insist on holding GF as THE biggest evil. She is not. She cheated. Your XH cheated. GF is no less redeemable than XH.
You seem to have this conditional statement in your head:
If I let go of GF baggage, THEN it will mean that I am worthless and deserved to be treated like crap and am unlovable.
In fact, this if FALSE. Some strange woman from across the street who had an A with your XH and is now his GF has NOTHING to do with your value as a person or how you deserve to be treated or whether you are lovable. Nor does she really have much to do with you having those issues. But, you already know that.
Continuing to blame her and make your value contingent on that blame is keeping you very stuck. It is none to good for your kids, as she is effectively their step-mother, a half-sibling would be zero surprise, and they effectively have step-siblings already. SHE IS IN THEIR LIVES AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Let your kids have a good life with their father and his partner.
I had all sorts of childhood and teen trauma that my mother never knew about. Why? Because I knew it was my job to take care of her mental health. Do you really want your kids to have to do this for you?
Of course, if you quit blaming GF for the end of your M, then you’ll be left instead with the facts about the end of your M. Your M ended because it didn’t work. Some Rs don’t work. Indeed, most Rs don’t work. There is no need to place blame.
Would it really be a bad thing to accept that it was best that your M end? Are you still trying to win, still trying to be “right”?
People do bad things. XH and his GF treated you horribly. The A was wrong, the lies were wrong. Forgiving them both and moving forward does not make what they did right. Forgiving them both and moving forward does not give them power over you, instead it lessens the power you are giving them in your own head.
(4) Continuing to try to get through to XH and tell him about you is inappropriate. He is not interested in an intimate personal R with you. Stop intruding. What is in his head is none of your business and has nothing to do with you. It is as inappropriate for you to continue to obsess about his beliefs and to continue to obsess about sharing your insights with him as it would be for you to try to horn in on my husband’s personal thoughts, beliefs, and life. Your mental welfare is not his job, nor his responsibility, nor would it in any way be appropriate for him to try to manage it. Back the hell off your XH. You are not in a personal intimate R with him. You have no claims on him, he has no obligation to take an interest in your personal growth.
