My Sitch Where to begin. I have been lurking here for three weeks and just want to start off by saying THANKS… I am convinced that I have maintained my sanity and begun making radical positive changes in my life by reading and implementing your sage advice. The bomb dropped four weeks ago today. Thursday Sept 23rd. I had a feeling something was going on in our relationship that created a huge distance between the two of us many months ago. Just an uneasy feeling about her detaching even more than had been our experience over the past 10 or so years. We are married 18 years together 20. Things were great for the first four years really very wonderful. In the fourth year she made a decision to go ahead with tubal reversal so that we could have a child together. We were raising her two boys 6 and 9 at the time of our wedding and she was ready. We were excited about our future and trying for a baby. Not much success for many month, consulted fertility specialist and still no success. I go away to an Army School ( Retired Army Nation Guard- Master sergeant ) come home three weeks later and things changed. Distance began and I am wondering why??? Have a very emotional conversation (lots of tears and pleading to know what happened) and she wants a trial separation. I get the apartment and begin doing my own thing , wondering what the hell happened, Pleading to come home. Long story short, I come to help her with some house project we end up ML very intense, make up type. One month latter find out she is pregnant with Son. After months of trying and months of separation then this spontaneous one time ML out of the blue and she is preggo. (I have no doubt about S being mine ) believe the decision to have me move back home and resume married life was made before we knew upon the arrival of S. At this point there is an emotional gap between us, that I don’t believe ever bridged. All the joy of life is present in the form of young S and our life at this time. We both enjoyed each other’s company and the wonder that was before us. We do all the great things with young children, school and activities. Involved in the pace that is school scouts holiday sports but still that gnawing feeling that our R will never be the same is present within me. ML and Intimate contact become the exception as opposed to the rule. Our world changes when I am called to serve in 2003/04 with a deployment of my Guard Unit to Afghanistan. I leave with s and W in tears professing their love for me and begin the long year. Correspond through letters and email for several months routine normal stuff about my life and our life…My Father passes away 4 months into the year and I am jetted home for the funeral. Very sad and wife is very supportive and our intimacy is genuine and very special to both of us which brings us closer than we have been for a long time. This continues with email, cards, gifts and such back and forth throughout the year. Our emails begin to take the form of fantasy and missed opportunities. She opens on the topic of intimacy and her desire more than she ever had. She has always had trouble talking about that to me. We talk of big plans and how things will change once I get home. She books our first cruise for one month after my return. During this time she learns finds out about a network of her old school chums and begins corresponding with them. I come home and things are great we do the cruise and have a wonderful SL and great communication and life is good for a year. Some of the promises made during year go by the way and life returns to familiar distant by close R. We buy a vacation trailer and park it in a camping resort for family vacation spot. I retire from the Guard after 24 years due to the promise I made to my son that I would never go away again for a whole year again and could not honor that promise in the guard. Decision is made after 24 years in army and 1 year in the desert I no longer need exercise. I take a break from running and cardio deciding I deserve a break. Eat Drink and be merry, no weigh in and weight control and no PT test (net Gain on DDAY 45 + lbs). The school chums decide to do a reunion for the next summer. The gap is once again noticeable and we tend to do our own things. She takes an early out from her job and sets up her own business as a closing agent which requires her to be on the computer constantly and travel throughout the Metro area doing refinances, home loans and mortages. Summer comes S and I use the trailer but Mom is always too busy to come with us. Reunion happens and life goes on. SL diminishes to infrequent status and distance grows. It has been 3 years since with a steady decline in the all areas of intimacy or closeness that we once felt. In the spring of this year she informed me that she did a debt consolidation for HER debt so it would be easier to manage. When I asked why mine was not rolled into it she could not come up with a good answer other that I continue to use my cards and I need them. At bout that time I noticed a frown on her face when I touched or hugged /kiss her, like I was putting her out . No ILY at the end of phone conversations etc..etc… Early this summer she participated in another school reunion and I believe that is when the EA turned physical. Our LM stopped shortly after fourth of July. It makes sense now but not at the time I did not put two and two together. We divide the chores up pretty evenly and since my office is down stairs next to the laundry room I do the laundry. Early this summer I notice a decline in the amount of her undergarments being done. I now believe that she hand washes after OM encounters. I know ,2 much info. Anyway, three weeks ago I come home from work early to work on a school project( I decided to take advantage of the GI Bill with 3 night classes) . I needed her computer to print and found some compromising emails. Immediately the floor dropped out from under me and I raged calling her right away and asked her to come home. We had a heated debate, she insists that I misunderstood the emails and that he was just one of her old school buddies. She goes out to the garage grabs the year book digs out the pictures and tries to turn the conversation around to I can not live with a guy that spies on me or has me followed she said she would rather be single. Our lack of sex came up and she said that I broke my promise to her by gaining all the weight and not holding up on my end of the bargain pretty much said that it was a turn off and how lazy I was being and she always has be a bit@h to get me or my son to do anything for her. Started in on unfinished projects, discipline of son and how I never support her and make her out to be the bad person. She states she has never been unfaithful to me and is angry at me for assuming it and it will take her a long time to get over it. Lots of other things were said and was given the silent treatment. She changes all the passwords on her accounts and computer . I get accused of walking through her office just to spy on her. About a week later try to get into an R discussion about the Lack of ILY statements and ML , more or less the ILYBANILWY without actually saying the words. She danced around that a lot. Wish I was wrong but know inside that I am not. I bought the Books DB /DR and have been DBing and GAL ever since and it helps a lot. Not sure what the future brings, she has made no attempt to enter into R talks, no discussion of D or S. She control all finances, the house we live in is her original home from her father who left it to her. I have trusted her completely with everything! Cannot focus on the betrayal or the ramification of those decisions so long ago. Pretty sure if push comes to shove I will be an apartment dweller as the assets are tied up in retirement funds and I have no other property. I myself am able to take an early retirement in three years , but not if this takes a turn for the worse. I will be looking at adding 10 -15 years additional years in an unsatisfying career just to insure I have a roof over my head in my old age. Bottom line is deep down I still love her, want changes in our R but know I cannot control what she wants or does who see or talks to or corresponds with. Have stopped all forms of snooping pleading and R discussion or ILYs while the drug of love or perception of love is ragging in her system so here I am stuck very much hoping that things change in my favor. She is aware of the changes I have made and am making but that too has not been discussed. I believe her long term plan is for me to be gone but she needs me now as primary provider, father, friend and not lover for how long I can’t tell. We have a cruse planned for Feb so I know it is out further maybe summer before she sets the thing in motion. I have no clue. I have decreased payroll deducts from retirement into a taxable account so that I get something put together and have a escape means after 6 months if I can’t handle it or decide it is better to go dark TLR. Still sleeping in the same bed with the elephant in the room no one is talking about, living the Serenity Prayer and GAL/ PMA and one day focus letting the future take care of itself and trying not to plead or pursue. Being somewhat successful with that as it is allowing me to continue to work, go to school, complete projects and focus on S and Self. So that is where I am at today, apologize for the long post but felt much better getting it out of my head and off my chest as I have not said a word to family or friends and associates. Chilly
Chilly Sorry to hear about your sitch. There are many similarities in your sitch and mine, not to mention countless others.
The first thing everyone is going to tell you is to detach and gal. Both pretty much the hardest things to do in the world if you have love for her still.
I still have not detached and its been 4 months for me. However, after the EA, it has become easier to detach.
I guess the best way to play this till you can detach is to act mysterious. You don't have to go on dates but she doesnt have to know that. You can wear nice clothes and cologne but she doesn't have to know why. Get the drift?
Also, believe it or not in the next couple of weeks you will shed a lot of weight even if u don't want to. The anxiety of this will curb your appetite as it did me. So keep working out and loosing weight. Show her what she will be missing.
The grass is always greener on the other side till the neighbors dog shits in it. Be the dog.
New to this, sorry. Did it in word and cut paste lost all formatting. This weekend I am working on projects and homework. One of my 180s is to get caught up on all the home projects that I have procrastinated on, making good progress.
