So, I now have received 2 emails from W, both of which concerened things that could wait. One had to do with something for my D's school. I responded "ok."
The other was a newspaper article W forwarded to me about a case I am handling. Her email was "You've probably already seen this. It's too bad [client] did not have a quote in it." I responded "Thx."
Your W sounds a bit confused.......either that or she likes to paper over difficult social situations.
When was the last time your W worked full time?.....and how is the market now for her skill set? If she had to support herself would her parents foot the bill?
Your W sounds a bit confused.......either that or she likes to paper over difficult social situations.
When was the last time your W worked full time?.....and how is the market now for her skill set? If she had to support herself would her parents foot the bill?
GAG
My W is the consummate pleaser/fixer. And she does NOT discuss her displeasure. Just covers it up. Her IC who gave the D a greeen light, thank you) told her this too.
My W worked for 1-2 months earlier this year (July-Aug). She is very good at what she does, there just isn't a good labor market here (like everywhere else).
I think her parents would fund a D (her grandfather funded her mom's - TOTALLY different circumstances) but I do NOT think they would subsidize her living expenses.
I am pretty sure we have reached a point of me getting a sep. cheking account, taking back all the bills, her lokking for A job, not THE job, and me asking her to move out. Not going to do anything until a couple of days have passed (48 hr. rule). But, it pains me to say this, but I'm done. I would still want to save the M, but I can't do it all by myself forever.
It is disappointing that when W dropped the bomb she said she would give the M 6 months to see if things improved. You DB'ed your heart out and she didn't/couldn't acknowledge the changes. There's got to be some reason she wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge your changes. The reasons that come to my mind are: OM, mental health problems, lack of concern because she knows her parents will support her (if the latter was the case, wouldn't she have left before now?). The changes to the dynamic that you are considering (i.e. separate checking accounts, asking W to move out) may give you more insight into what is causing her to be so rigid in her thinking.
These changes may be what she needs to wake up. Of course, as always, you are doing what you need to do to be healthy and you will proceed in a thoughtful, rather than destructive, manner.
It will be interesting to see if she already has her contingency plan set up.....That should give you a sense for how well-planned her exit is.
She's expressed to you that she feels that you put your career first over her and the kids. How long did she feel that way? Does she still feel that way? Did she hold all of her feelings in untill the bomb?
I don't think you need to tell her to get a job or get out or anything like that. You should move in the direction that you want to go in and if she gets it fine if not fine to.
Bring home a business card for a realtor and leave it by your stuff. Have bank information there from a totally different bank. Be transparent, she can't stop you. Let her see you let go.
The one question you need to ask yourself is have you given her what she has asked for the last 8 months. If you have and she doesn't recognize it she has already made her decision.
Allow yourself to grieve over this. It's out of your control. Let her face this choice and act as if she is right.
What SHE needs to do is no longer your problem. What does the barber say "Next".
I didn't want to see my dad die when I was 15. But I didn't have a choice. What choice do you have?
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
It is disappointing that when W dropped the bomb she said she would give the M 6 months to see if things improved. You DB'ed your heart out and she didn't/couldn't acknowledge the changes. There's got to be some reason she wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge your changes. The reasons that come to my mind are: OM, mental health problems, lack of concern because she knows her parents will support her (if the latter was the case, wouldn't she have left before now?). The changes to the dynamic that you are considering (i.e. separate checking accounts, asking W to move out) may give you more insight into what is causing her to be so rigid in her thinking.
These changes may be what she needs to wake up. Of course, as always, you are doing what you need to do to be healthy and you will proceed in a thoughtful, rather than destructive, manner.
It will be interesting to see if she already has her contingency plan set up.....That should give you a sense for how well-planned her exit is.
GAG
What she actually said was she would give me "time" but "wouldn't wait 6 months. Then did. Amd I think had I not brought it up last night, another 6 months of wasted effort would have rolled by.
On the reasons why. I just don't know, but strongly suspect it is a downturn in my income (still do ok), mixed in with some FOO issues and some unakcledged depression (here g'mother had significant depression issues). Oh, and ealry menopause.
Anything is possible, but I simply don't think it's an OM. I have looked for evidence and watched VERY carefully - there just is NO evidence. Also, if there were an OM waiting in the wings, I doubt she would wait around for me to bring up a talk like last night. More likely that she would be full steam ahead with D, and quickly. I may be eating my words later, but I just don't think OM is involved.
I doubt she has thought through a contingency plan b/c I suspect her plan all along has been GIMA will roll over and do whatever I ask b/c (a) he is a "Nice Guy" (not since DB'ing started) and (b) he will want to be a friendly "Co-Parent" (I HATE that term - I'm their FATHER - and, uh, I have friends, I want a W).
I am making plans for me over this weekend. When I implement them, not sure just yet. But this needs to get a whole lot "realer" for her before I think there will be any chance she might come out of the fog. But, that's not while I am making the plan. The plan is for ME and to allow me to take care of my children long term. If she doesn't want part of that, that's her loss.
