On Monday we both decided with our MC that we were going to work on our M, a lot of which means my W will work on herself quite a lot, including dealing with a lot of issues from her past. Our MC assured her (and me) that if/when she deals with those issues, she'll be surprised by how many of the issues that she feels holds her back from having the relationship that she wants with me might just seem to melt away.
We went out for dinner on Wednesday and the whole thing felt strange to both of us... more like dinner with an old friend than with husband/wife. The cool thing is that I didn't get overly upset about things, was able to check in with how I was feeling and afterwards instead of getting down I just said to myself, "oh well, what do I expect, this is going to take a long time."
Last night we spoke for an hour and a half on the phone! She expressed fears and doubts, as well as frustrations with things, but we came away from it agreeing that we shouldn't look down the road too far right now, and that that is what is causing things to be more difficult than they need to be. One day at a time will be our attempted approach, instead.
I have no expectations going forward, save for my own personal continued growth and happiness. I hope that that can be in the context of a great, healthy M with my W, but I'm not freaking out that things are difficult and uncomfortable right now. Feels almost like I'm finally understanding the Taoist principles that I've been reading about/contemplating for years now!
Did the MC set up any sort of a transparency plan for your wife, to ensure no contact with OM? What sort of "no-contact" communication was sent to him that made the MC/IC agree to meet with her?
That may have been a problem. My W and I met a handful of times since that meeting and have had a few phone calls, one of which lasted 1.5 hours and she expressed worries that some of our issues were too big to deal with, ie. she has been saying that she doesn't want to have children unless by adoption and I do (despite having always said she did want a full family with me, until dropping the bomb on me this summer). In that conversation we spoke about taking things one day at a time and being the best individuals we can be so that we can have the healthiest marriage possible and it ended with a big, "I'm so glad we spoke, I'm glad you listened, and I feel much better now."
The last time we met was last Friday and without me bringing it up, my W referenced my parents visiting from the East Coast and how she'd like to cook a full out Thanksgiving dinner for them, but she'd be calling my mother a bunch ahead of time to perfect some recipes, etc! Things sure felt better in many ways.
Still, something felt off to me. I had difficulty getting a phone conversation with her on the weekends or outside of work hours, for example. Finally the other day I decided to trust myself and logged on to our cell phone account and checked the history of calls. SOB! She never cut contact with the OM!
Unless some HUGE-- and I mean HUGE (like God coming down from the clouds in a visible form and having a chat with me)-- thing goes down, I am going to file for divorce. To me, this was the third strike. First was the affair, then she came clean but continued the affair after. Then she told our IC/MC that she wanted to work on fixing things and gave her word that she cut the OM out and yet even the night that we met for MC she was speaking with him on the phone right after the meeting! She still hasn't gone a day without contact with him and I have to presume that there's been continued physical meetings as well. I deserve better.
This is really rough because there's a lot of financial security that is starting for the first time in our lives, as she just started working for the first time as an RN and we've been students for years now, working on minimal income before that and suddenly she's making more money than we did when we were both working full time before grad-school and I'm still a student, etc. Not even sure how I'll afford to get a divorce unless we do it ourselves... I'm about to head into dark waters and its scary as hell.
I'm so sorry. This is why I always try to get people who are reconciling -- BSs -- to decide AHEAD of time, in a calm moment of clarity -- what they are willing to put up with in terms of backsliding from their wayward spouse. One strike, self-confessed? One strike even if I have to find it out, but so long as she answers truthfully when confronted? Two strikes? Zero strikes?? What??
Because when it happens, you are a whirlwind of emotions.
For me, it was "One strike, self-confessed," which -- interestingly -- is EXACTLY what I got from my wife. One backslide, about two weeks into our supposed reconciliation, and she came to me in tears and full of remorse.
Look, I haven't steered you wrong yet, right? I mean, who was the one who asked the question to you on 10/23, when everyone else was slapping you on the back? So listen to what I'm about to say . . .
DON'T DO ANYTHING JUST NOW. Don't even do anything in the next 24-48 hours. Take the weekend maybe. Meditate. Pray. Ask for some wise counsel from a few CLOSE trusted friends or family members or a pastor or priest.
What you have going for you is that she doesn't know that you know. I know, I know, you've got that whole male "God, I'm such a SAP!" thing going on in your head. Been there, done that, bought the souvies. But YOU are making a conscious choice to NOT DO ANYTHING for a few days. YOU are in control.
And, I hate to say it, but it would be wise to use this time -- 72 hours or a week or two or whatever -- to gather some final evidence.
Your wife is addicted, MTN. Try to remember that. And pray for wisdom, and discernment.
Do I see her? Do I talk with her? Text her? Go completely dark again? She's been texting me a few times, called me a few, asked for information to put me on her employee plus one health care now that she's working. We were going to supposedly meet tomorrow... do I pretend like nothing's wrong?
Part of my problem, perhaps, is that I am the kind of guy to put all the cards on the table, damned near all the time.... I had THOUGHT for the last few years that W was doing the same in response to me doing that. It's hard for me to consider hanging out with her and not letting her know that I know... like I'm lying if I don't. Do I just pretend I don't know? Do I just "act as if"?
