Never would I EVER consider you a wimpy ass-kisser. Sounds like a pity party to me. Blah blah blah.. I'm not a MAN.. yadda yadda. Sheesh, buddy! *hugs*
You are a man. You are a father. You are a teacher. You are a person committed to the best for his daughter.
You are wounded, emotionally. We all are. Wounds take time to heal. Behaviors take time to change. It's easy to 'be' who you've always been.
BUT..
With awareness the triggers can be identified, the red flags heeded. You can do something about it, learning in the process what works and doesn't work. Get perspective. Give yourself perspective without beating yourself up about it.
Recently I met a couple, one of whom is the daughter of longtime friends of my mother. The daughter who is my age is in remission from the same type of brain cancer that killed Ted Kennedy within a year. She has survived for three years which is representative of only 10% of those who contract this cancer. She left her high powered job because her oncologist said the stress would kill her. Her husband decided to retire so that they could be together. They live a life full of promise. He nurtures her without pity or demeaning who she is. She's independent, whole and loved. She loves him. He loves her.
I imagined marrying him when she dies. The imagine stuck in my mind and I couldn't get rid of it. We could all become friends, close and I'd be there when he was widowed. I hated myself for so compulsively thinking like that. A good friend pointed out that I admired and respected a husband who so deeply cared for his wife. Why wouldn't I? Once I had that perspective, all the angst disappeared and all those wacky thoughts went away.
We all have experiences of how we've changed from consequence of divorce and how we've remained the same. Old habits die hard. But through examination and choice, they change.
