Do any of you think that you became a WAS first ? But did not leave the relationship as you hid from yourself?
The last few months I have really been writing out about my relationship and life. I do this daily. It has really helped me open up to myself. This was my first 180. I have reread the last few months and I think that I may have started to detach on quite a few fronts on the marriage over the last few years.
I shut down on the issue of the childless marriage. Our attempts to have children were very painful to both of us and we both came to an understanding that we did not want children. Yet be both did and could not get this point across to each other. So we both walked away from it. It seems my whole life has been around the issue of children. I have realized that I really do want a family. I love children and I have this as a goal in life now. A boundary I have set up. ( May they be mine or someone elses ) My two biggest relationships in my life have had this major theme. The first one was back years ago in my 20's. The GF at the time then became P and told me she was scared and had to deal with it herself. We were together for 4 years by then and it was a OMG I am P and I am having an A so goodbye. I was devistated for a year and then just lived my life until I met W. I had problems with this and she really helped me through it all. It is one of the reasons I will always love her. It was a very freely giving love. And it took awhile for me to get over it. Fast forward 5 years into the M. No kids and we tried the Invetro. Which lasted 12 weeks. It just broke my heart and brought back all those feelings from years ago. And this time we did not deal with it properly. And the last few years we have watched all our friends have families and we could not get around to admitting to each other it was what we wanted. The difference was that I would have adapted an older child and WAS wanted a baby. Only a baby. We just could not communicate this with each other. This is one of the reasons I think the affair took off as she see's this as a chance to have a family. Which really hurt as its with older children. Something that she did not want in our relationship. But I do forgive her on this as I know how important it is to her.
This also brings us back to the home. We bought the home to raise a family. At first we did stuff to the home to get it that way. But as time went by the was just stopped doing stuff around the house ( She comes from a messy house and is a very messy person ) So it became me who did the cleaning inside and outside. And when I did not it became messy. One item where I nagged and nagged and then gave up. I did not know how to communicate that to my wife. And I do believe it ties into the first big paragraph. One goal was not met in our marriage. So we let our surroundings crumble. This is another area that helped lead to the affair. The concept of leaving the old place behind. I believe that is why the WAS always mentions it in all her communications with me. My GAL and 180 was to bring back my house to be my home. This is also another goal I set up with myself. Clean and tidy home that I am proud to own. I have come very far there. I am back to how I was years ago. I actually enjoy cleaning. Put on good music and just lose myself into cleaning. I love it. I am not a neat freak. But I do like it to be drop by clean at all times.
Another one was that I started to set up activities that were just me specific. The coaching children in sports. Bike riding. These took times away from the marriage. And we were getting down to the dangerous levels of together time due to was's workaholic levels and her daily commute of 1 hour each way on a good day.
More later. Got to get back to work. Being open on this forum is a 180 for me as well. WAS always said that if I was really worried about something I did not talk about it until I worked out every angle in my head then I would just say it. That is another goal of mine.
Anyways everyone have a good day. I know I will. For its Friday and I have worked hard this week for myself and now I am will reward myself with a good evening out with a few friends.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
