I would like to think that he loved me very much, but was/is just a weak, flawed man. I think it is not so much that he didn't love me, but he didn't love me enough. He knew just how much I loved him, that I loved him unconditionally and always would. And I think he knew he would never have that kind of love for me, the kind that comes with unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, etc etc.
So he is probably doing me a favor, really. If he cannot/will not be the kind of man that a husband should be, then he shouldn't be a husband. Of course, he should have been honest with himself and me years ago if that is the case and saved us all this drama and pain.
The list is just pathetic, isn't it? If I have time later I will try to give you his 'good list' because there is one, or at least there was one.
And the funny thing is, I am not trying to drown myself in the tub, so to speak. I can read that list and not even feel like crying. For some reason, I feel clinical about everything suddenly.
Just the past couple days I feel like some sort of veil has lifted and I see things for what they are,not how I wish they were or hope they were. And I am feeling....ok with that.?. Almost like an outside observer looking back at my life. Weird.
