Well, I have cancelled the sitter for our Sunday evening anniversary dinner. Will cancel the reservations later today. I had planned on taking a half day today to pick up some cake decorating items for her for our anniversary - that's been scratched as well.
So, Monday is my anniversary, as well as the day my father passed away. It is what it is.
Spoke to my brother and one of my friends this morning about the "talk" last night. Time to take care of ME and the kids now. In talking to my friend this morning, I learned that W mentioned in the last week or so to his wife a conversation my W had with my MIL. MIL apparently called W and asked, what is going on - you have an anniversary coming up and if you stay M'd into next year, it creates more tax issues for W. W responded with it takes however long it takes. Nothing has changed, I'm trying to sell a house in a down market, and I have no job. Nice.
Here are my take aways from last night: -W does not (or will not allow herself to?) love me. -W is incapable of meeting ANY of my needs. -Nothing I have done has had ANY affect upon her (before you say anything - I made these changes for ME and did not have any expectations).
The fact that nothing I have done has had any impact upon her tells me this isn't about me, or it has little to do with me. This is about HER. Maybe she's unhappy and sees ME as the source of all her problems. I don't know. And it is not for me to figure that out.
I am saddened and disappointed. But, I am NOT devastated, depressed, defeated. Nor will I let this make me an unhappy person.
I do not want to live in a loveless M. I deserve more than that. We all do.
So, folks, how am I supposed to act around her? I don't care what she thinks/feels for me. I understand where she is on that. But, I don't feel like talking with her. I don't feel like being her "friend."
We are supposed to go to a function tomorrow as a family at the zoo. I want to be there with the kids, but I couldn't care less about being around her. I truly don't want to be around her.
I don't feel like I should have to leave my home. But, I do not think she will agree to move out. And what about the kids, the true losers in all of this. Now that part rips my heart out. Where do the kids go. I would gladly keep them 100% of the time, but I know that's not realistic, or healthy for them - they need us both.
I now know I need to put together a plan for me. Do I consult with a L? Do I set up a seperate checking account so she cannot see what I'm spending my money on (I would give her $ to pay the bills - and I don't know how much, if any, is left over for L or "my" things).
She doesn't have a job, and isn't really looking. She does some consulting on the side, and is only bringing in a couple grand a month. We live in an expensive part of town, with the highest taxes in our city.
Guys, I sure could use some advice on what the plan is from here on. Oh, and support too. I am ok, but, like everyone here, I don't want to be in this place. So, I will keep walking. Just not sure of which path to take.
