Thank you very much for your words. I must admit that I didn't sleep very well last night after reading your post, but that is actually a good thing. You really got me thinking.
The answer to your question "are you repeating an old pattern?" is YES! It took me a bit, but I've discovered that I've been putting myself in the position of the rescuer again. GF has been filled w/drama and I've been there to bail her out. In the process, I've become a follower rather than a leader and pretty much slipped into the "nice, wussy guy" mode.
I've gone over instance after instance in my head over the past few hours and came up w/far too many times where I took the backseat and let her do the directing. In the process, I've managed to damage her attraction toward me and that is becoming very, very evident right now.
There has been so much drama w/her that it has been a lot of work for me and instead of realizing I'm in a one-sided relationship w/a person who is sucking me dry, I stuck around thinking that "once we get through this rough patch and can start to relax, then we'll be able to see what we have in this relationship."
Well, leaving one rough patch led to being in another and in the end, GF and I did a lot of nothing. She wasn't motivated into doing anything and going out, so we basically sat around a lot. In a word - BORING!
When we have actually gone out and done things, there has been a lot of fun, sparks and attraction. However, those are too few and far in between and instead of realizing it, I accepted it and let GF lead. In hindsight, when she resisted and just wanted to be a couch potato, I should have been going off on my own and doing what I wanted to do...but I haven't done that and now I understand that is b/c I wanted to make sure she was happy. In the end, I need to make sure I'm happy first.
So, to answer Donna's question, I now know why I've been staying where I'm at and been allowing myself to live off of crumbs. I've been telling myself that although the lack of excitement and connnection is frustrating for me, I need to be giving and unselfish right now as GF needs someone to be there for her.
I have some mixed emotions this morning. Part of me wants to vomit and the other part is very sad. I'm mad at myself and sad about realizing I need to pull away for my own good. As I can see, it isn't easy for me to pour myself into something and then leave it alone. Thus, this is hard for me to swallow.
However, I see what is needed and I'll be leaving GF well alone. I'm pulling away from her and it will be up to her to reach out to me. If and when she does, the challenge for me will be to remember how I feel right now and not let it happen again.
I feel ill b/c I've been a wimpy ass-kisser instead of a man. I've been following and getting abused in the process. I'm embarassed about this revelation, but I also know that I have no choice but to accept this and now do something about it.
GF has mentioned that she'd be jealous if I was dating someone else which made me think that she really wanted me around for the right reasons. She may, but the way I've been acting has allowed her to do whatever she wants w/out concern for me and what I want and need.
So, I'm going to wait a bit and if we get into next week and I haven't heard from her, I'll put myself officially back on the market and date some people casually. If GF shows up again, I may still go out on a simple meet-and-greet or too, but even if I don't, I'm going to lead and do what is in my best interest.
Things w/GF may be unhealthy and they may be over, but even if they are not and she decides she doesn't want me to go away, the first thing that will need to happen is I'll need to change my outlook and attitude toward the relationship. After that, it will be up to her to convince me to stick around.
So, I'm going forward today w/new information and a new plan to make sure that I'm taken care of rather than taken advantage of.
Why is it that old habits are so difficult to replace?
