Question

[awest1217]

So today I am feeling really angry. I am mad that H left again. Mad that I still feel like I am the one who is doing everything. Mad that I trusted him in the first place to come home and stay. Mad that I am trusting that he really is working on himself and wants to get back together. Mad that I have to take care of S once again by myself. Mad that I am taking out my frustration on S (just not being as patient with him as I should be because I know this is bugging him too). Mad that I don't get to sleep because H needs more time. Mad that my in-laws ever wrote the letter to H in May. Mad that I will probably be going to my class reunion by myself. Mad that all my plans for my long weekend next weekend have fallen through and now I am stuck at home with nothing to do. Mad that I am lying to everyone that H is still home so that when he chooses to come back he won't have to deal with everyone being even more mad and resistant. Mad that my world has been turned upside down again. Mad that he gets to go to games and have fun while I am stuck at home. Mad that I can't do anything because I have no money, although H did give me a $500 check before he left this time. Just mad, mad, mad.

I am sure I am just going through all the stages of grief again, but I needed to vent here so I don't to H. I know that I am entitled to those feelings, but I know I will not get to my goal if I tell them to H. We will just go farther back. I will have my chance to express those feelings one day, but today is not it. One day when the hurt is subsiding he will actually find out what all I have gone through, but right now it will not help me reach my goal.

I am really tired again today and tonight we will go to my in-laws for our weekly pizza. They also got a pumpkin for H to carve. It is nice because I get to relax somewhat because my in-laws especially brother-in-law, will take care of S. I am planning on telling H how important it is to me for him to come to my reunion, and see how that goes. I am worried I am setting myself up for another let down, but I can't get mad if I don't ask.