Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

But I don't want to make any decisions today.

That's probably best.

IS yours a "fault" state for divorce? CAN you file on the grounds of adultery? Not that you shouldn't still fight for your marriage -- I think you should (and that it's still salvageable) -- but it does change your leverage, and therefore your strategy and tactics.

Puppy

PDT,

I can't see the wood for the trees just now. I have no idea how my marriage can still be salvageable? See my post further down on latest developments.

I actually live in Scotland (UK) and if you mean by no fault that it doesn't matter why you divorce, the financial package doesn't change, then yes, Scotland is that. If I file for D under adultery, it just meets a much quicker divorce. The financial situation does not alter.

[P17]

Alright P, face the wall and on your knees, this 2x4 might just break over that thick head.

I appreciate it. That was also mean sincerely.

You DON'T get the concept you've reposted what 10 times in 2 days? "believe NOTHING they say and half of what they do" whether it be directly to you or through someone.

As soon as I hear the stuff I certainly don't get it at all. It's only some time afterwards that I start to dismiss it.

And, TRUST NO-ONE closely related to the situation, especi

Oh, and speaking of filing, good luck with "adultry" as grounds. YOU HAVE TO PROVE IT, which will just drag things along if and when it ever comes down to you filing, or your as your response to HER filing.

As the OM is living with her and she has told her work and half of the town it's her boyfriend (and I also have it on texts) then I don't think I have much issue filing for D under adultery.

Now, as to what your W is saying: As others attest, this is all script, plain and simple and you are NOT the first H to be the biggest bag of cow manour that "deserved" to be cheated on. Get the F over it. Ask ANY LBH here and abroad, we're all "worthless and got what we deserved" in the begining stages. It's call VALIDATION to your W. She NEEDS this B/S to feel good about what she's doing. And guess what, the more you throw a pitty party in response to it, the MORE she will rub your nose in it and find you even more a pathetic loss and waste of the years "she lost in you".

To be honest the only place I have been throwing a pity party is here. In front of my W I haven't mentioned a thing about the OM, M or anything else.

I've heard this sh!t first hand, as well as many others who didn't heed the advise of NOT LISTENING to it.

My advise to you right now, call up some buddies and get the F out, TONIGHT! Get away from this.

I did get out. However as I have my D all week it's difficult to get out with buddies but I did go and see some friends and get away myself for a few hours.

You are headed down a path of self destruction and most importantly, destroying ANY chance of R your M. BTW- I CAN say that with confidence becasue I WAS YOU. Do you want to be divorced? Do you want to find yourself stuck in life a year and a half later? I don't think so. And if you think the pain is bad now, keep this sh!t up, it gets worse, trust me.

So the plan is still the same - get out, ignore her and get on with life?

You have GREAT in puppy, listen to it, HE GOT HIS W BACK! You also have mine, I DIDN'T. I'm certain I shall live out the rest of my days, along with my XW that we made a huge mistake. I am D'd and free to move on, but right now I can't because everytime I'm just about to, I'm looking over my shoulder for my XW to come back. DO YOU want that?

No I don't.

In summary, everything you hear right now is horessh!t to make your W look and feel okay for being with the troll that is OM. If you can't stand the fact she's with him now and can't let that go, get ready friend, a year and half later, it don't get no better (especially when the are to marry! oh yeah, I got that line of crap too that she "never would marry again").

See the post further on. I have finally made a decision.

Like I said, get out, tonight with company that WILL not converse this. I want to see a post by later on this afternoon as to what it is you'll be doing.

As I said I did get out but just to friends (it was female friends unfortunately) - I left at 2pm here and didn't get back until 3am. My D stayed with her mum last night as I was going to be late. I did have a good night and it was refreshing to get out.

[P17]

Update. I will keep this one short.

I posted yesterday / day before my D's mum asked my W to come over and discuss contact with my D. Well yesterday, as we both agreed, she went back on it as my W had already setup contact with me.

To cut a long story short, and I put what was said here not because i believe it all (although some of it is relevant) but just to give you the full picture.

My W wanted contact with my D and seemed to latch onto the fact she could get it through my D's mother and not me. She wanted to keep me out of the picture and not be 'controlling her' anymore.

The last few texts between them asked if my W and OM could come around and talk to my D's mother about my D (WTF?). After being told no and there is no way he'd meet her, my W said my D would have to meet him someday and started to be quite insistent and coming across as she knew better than us.

The long and short of it is, that I need to stop ALL contact between my W and my D as I am now very worried about what she's going to do and what on earth she is thinking. Introducing my D to her OM is just inappropriate. My daughter has enough issues with this without being introduced to a THIRD parent. We also don't know him and what we do know concerns us.

Bear in mind my D is NOT my W's daughter - it's her step-daughter.

Tonight she is supposed to be here for time with us but I'm going to leave my D at her mothers and sit down and talk to my W and tell her the situation - while the OM is in her life, I'm concerned and she will have no contact with my D or me.

I can only see this as the best way forward. Cut all contact until the OM is out of the picture. It's maybe a bad gamble to play but I really, truly can't see another way forward. I think my W will accept it and move on although she is desperate for contact with my D so it may play on her mind and allow her to wake up. That's not my primary concern, that's just a possible outcome.

What it will do though is allow me to forget about her and focus on me as there will be no more contact.

This does blow my plans out of the water for an amicable separation agreement but that was unlikely to work anyway.

Comments?

[dday101798]

P,

First off, glad you got out and saw it as the therapy needed.

Brother, I'm gonna be honest with you and straight to the point yet again (I too was out til the wee hours of the morning). I can't tell you enough how I was and regretably still am in your shoes. Don't come on here after all you post and shovel me crap that you're not investing way too much thought in anything your W is saying or doing. Puhleeeeze, you know and I know that you are.

That said, I don't know how the legal system is 'across the pond', but, here, there really isn't a dang thing you can do about your D's exposure to other OM unless it's an imeditate threat, be emotionally or physically.

Now, I'm a bit confused here. Why the hell should your W have any control over a "step child" on you? That's YOUR kid. In a reverse oposite, my XW used the fact that our oldest is hers and adopted by me in court over custody. But, since he was abused to near death by her first H that landed him a 10 year visit in the clanker, his name was stircken from the record and guess who Dad is? So I don't understand where your W gets off calling the shots there.

You're concerned about OM being exposed to your D? Man up, yet again. The only word of wisdom I think I EVER conveyed to my XW was: "If you're going to be with him, fine, not around the kids". Well, since she up and left and moved directly in with him, that 'request' went straight down the lou. But, now she sees the err of her ways and knows where she went wrong.

Where I'm going with this, I don't know, I'm tired and a bit hung over. I think my point is, YOU need to stop laying down and let the masses control the situation. That is YOUR daughter, not your W's. As I told my XW and her attorney in a court of law, I'll be dipped in sh!t if ANYONE thinks they will interfere with my realtion to BOTH my boys.

So, pull those belts tight and get ready for the ride. It seems you are fighting the power now of 2 women here. And why they'd gather in numbers against you like this is a bit questionalbe. Thus, are you SURE there isn't something you aren't telling us? I think there is a major piece of the puzzle missing here.

[P17]

P,
Don't come on here after all you post and shovel me crap that you're not investing way too much thought in anything your W is saying or doing. Puhleeeeze, you know and I know that you are.

Okay, I probably still am. Trying not to but I probably still am.

It's difficult when some of the things are said with such venom I wonder, what the hell have I done (I know the answer to that though - nothing but in her eyes everything so that she can justify to herself and others as to why I FORCED her to leave and be with other men).

That said, I don't know how the legal system is 'across the pond', but, here, there really isn't a dang thing you can do about your D's exposure to other OM unless it's an imeditate threat, be emotionally or physically.

As she is not my W's daughter I can. He is a 44 year old who worked for a supermarket. Drinks, smokes and like a laugh are his interests. His Facebook page suggests he smokes pot and he abandoned his two children (who my W claimed he hadn't seen in 6 years - there could be legitimate reasons for that). He's not a good role model, is nothing to my D and will only confuse her further if she is introduced to him. On top of all that neither I nor my D's mother know him and even my W has only been living with him 3 weeks. Finally, my D doesn't want to meet him.

Now, I'm a bit confused here. Why the hell should your W have any control over a "step child" on you? That's YOUR kid.

What I tried to do is facilitate contact between my W and my D as my D wanted to see her. I was just trying to be a good dad to be honest and this was before the texts from yesterday about her meeting the OM. My W would come here and spend time with my D and me. To stop my W thinking I was controlling her through contact and also so contact would be limited (ie. no, can I come over type of things) with my D I asked her for some dates when she would see her - that way everybody knew when and where it was all happening. She gave me dates to the end of Nov, I agreed them it was sorted. No controlling at all. In fact, as I said I did it to AVOID controlling!

So I don't understand where your W gets off calling the shots there.

From something I read today about people who are Obsessive Lovers (I think it was that), which my W is, is that they rarely have control over their situation so they desperately try and find control over any situation. I think that may be my W's reasoning. She knows that if my D wants to have contact with her I will do what I have to do make sure my D is happy (within reason). This has however gone too far and I think she underestimates me.

You're concerned about OM being exposed to your D? Man up, yet again. The only word of wisdom I think I EVER conveyed to my XW was: "If you're going to be with him, fine, not around the kids". Well, since she up and left and moved directly in with him, that 'request' went straight down the lou.

At least because my D is not my W's D, I can control that and say 'no more'.

So, pull those belts tight and get ready for the ride. It seems you are fighting the power now of 2 women here. And why they'd gather in numbers against you like this is a bit questionalbe.

I think it's actually a power battle. My D's mother wants to make sure she is important in my life so if she holds the power over my W she's higher up the pecking tree. I now have her onside however after I told her what my W really thinks of her. My W is desperately trying to hurt me by sticking two fingers up and saying she doesn't need me anymore to see my D as she would see her through my D's mother. W's clingyness to my D's mother was obvious for me to see in the texts bearing in mind how much she hates her.

Thus, are you SURE there isn't something you aren't telling us? I think there is a major piece of the puzzle missing here.

I've told you guys everything I can think of. I genuinely haven't tried to deceive anybody.

When you say there is a major piece of the puzzle missing - I say that to myself everyday. Things don't just add up.

Question for you - is you XW still with the original OM?

[dday101798]

Question for you - is you XW still with the original OM?

Yes, they have been engaged to be married for a bit of year now, BUT, they have a "open relationship" so.........

Anyway, I don't know if the way you post things, or the way I interpret them, but someting seems to not add up.

At this time, like I told you yesterday, get away from it, making my response to your question, I need to walk away for a bit, hang in there, and stop listening to her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Comments?

Yes: I think you're doing the right thing.

Get GOOD legal help.

Oh, and no more staying out 'til the wee hours with other women, platonic or otherwise. NOT while you're in a legal battle. Has your L advised you on this yet?

Your D may not understand you cutting contact between her and her stepmother, but this is going to be one of those times, P17, when you're just going to have to say "You may not agree with me right now, but I'm doing what's best for you as your father." My wife used to say to our teenaged daughters "I'm more concerned with what the 30-year old you thinks, than whether or not you agree with me right now." When my daughter would ask "What do you mean?", my wife would say "Thirteen years from now (or whatever), I don't want my 30-year old daughter coming to me saying 'Mom, what the hell were you THINKING letting me do that???!'"

Puppy

[whatdidido]

Your wife rocks, Pup.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, I know.

[P17]

Comments?

Yes: I think you're doing the right thing.

Get GOOD legal help.

Quick response as I'm heading out the door.

Is this it then .. the end?