Nell seems to have made all the good point, just out of interest did he reply to the birthday request after or before the meeting. If before then maybe its an honest answer who knows, and if after possibly a retort to you not playing ball!
Id definitely go with the "I understand but Im not helping you routine" its the one Ive stuck with all along, let H know quite clearly that he can do what he chooses to do but I still want to work at our M!
Huge hugs as even if its not a pullback/stepback Im sure it hurts even more so as he has theorectically turned the children down, how old are the kids Cas old enough to tell him he's being a miserable ratbag not coming to dinner with them, my S certainly would although hes really a grown up at twenty one, even though he made me giggle the other day when I heard him tell his dad he'd talk to him when he managed to find his good manners again lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!