Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

This sounds like a good plan. I missed this information on your thread.......Has your W ever told you the specific reasons why she wants to leave?

GAG

No. Just real general, non-specific phrases - "this and that." Trust me, I have tried to get an explanation.

[mishka422]

She said she did have deep, caring, committed love for me early but that over the years, the things I did (again, she cannot specify) made her feel like I was not putting the kids and her needs ahead of mine.

WHOA! Time out! She feels that you should put her and the kids ahead of yourself at all times? Haven't we all learned that is the absolute wrong thing to do? It's fine to do that some of the time but really we must put ourselves first to make sure we stay healthy enough to be able to give of ourselves to the people we care for. Does she always put you and the kids ahead of herself?

It's sounding like she might need to get together with Jeff's wife and compare notes! (Jeff is Virtually_Handsome) They sound like twins separated at birth.

Your W is going to have to have a rather large does of the reality of D. She expects you to sit in a loveless M for possibly years because of the market? Hmmm.......doesn't sound right to me.

[givingitmyall]

Your W is going to have to have a rather large does of the reality of D. She expects you to sit in a loveless M for possibly years because of the market? Hmmm.......doesn't sound right to me.

I am not going to do that.

And, she may not have exactly said I didn't put the kids and her before my needs. It may have been that she felt I wasn't looking out for the kids and her. Same type thing though.

[goodattitudegirl]

Since she can't give you specifics it sounds like she may just be unhappy and is blaming you for her unhappiness. About 6 weeks ago I read a book called "I Do Again" by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. It is about a golden couple who had the perfect life and were married for 10 years or so. The W decides that her H is the reason for her unhappiness and files for D. A couple months after the D she realizes that she really still loves her H (even though she has been having an affair) and sets about to win him back. 7 years later they re-marry. The book has a very strong faith-based message so if you decide to get it you have been pre-warned.

What I REALLY liked about the book is the way it is written. Each chapter has sections written by the H and by the W, so you get their perspectives on what they each were thinking at each point in time. I haven't seen another book quite like this. If you are like me at all and feel a need to understand WHY this is happening, books like this can sometimes give you insight.

GAG

[givingitmyall]

Well, I have cancelled the sitter for our Sunday evening anniversary dinner. Will cancel the reservations later today. I had planned on taking a half day today to pick up some cake decorating items for her for our anniversary - that's been scratched as well.

So, Monday is my anniversary, as well as the day my father passed away. It is what it is.

Spoke to my brother and one of my friends this morning about the "talk" last night. Time to take care of ME and the kids now. In talking to my friend this morning, I learned that W mentioned in the last week or so to his wife a conversation my W had with my MIL. MIL apparently called W and asked, what is going on - you have an anniversary coming up and if you stay M'd into next year, it creates more tax issues for W. W responded with it takes however long it takes. Nothing has changed, I'm trying to sell a house in a down market, and I have no job. Nice.

Here are my take aways from last night:
-W does not (or will not allow herself to?) love me.
-W is incapable of meeting ANY of my needs.
-Nothing I have done has had ANY affect upon her (before you say anything - I made these changes for ME and did not have any expectations).

The fact that nothing I have done has had any impact upon her tells me this isn't about me, or it has little to do with me. This is about HER. Maybe she's unhappy and sees ME as the source of all her problems. I don't know. And it is not for me to figure that out.

I am saddened and disappointed. But, I am NOT devastated, depressed, defeated. Nor will I let this make me an unhappy person.

I do not want to live in a loveless M. I deserve more than that. We all do.

So, folks, how am I supposed to act around her? I don't care what she thinks/feels for me. I understand where she is on that. But, I don't feel like talking with her. I don't feel like being her "friend."

We are supposed to go to a function tomorrow as a family at the zoo. I want to be there with the kids, but I couldn't care less about being around her. I truly don't want to be around her.

I don't feel like I should have to leave my home. But, I do not think she will agree to move out. And what about the kids, the true losers in all of this. Now that part rips my heart out. Where do the kids go. I would gladly keep them 100% of the time, but I know that's not realistic, or healthy for them - they need us both.

I now know I need to put together a plan for me. Do I consult with a L? Do I set up a seperate checking account so she cannot see what I'm spending my money on (I would give her $ to pay the bills - and I don't know how much, if any, is left over for L or "my" things).

She doesn't have a job, and isn't really looking. She does some consulting on the side, and is only bringing in a couple grand a month. We live in an expensive part of town, with the highest taxes in our city.

Guys, I sure could use some advice on what the plan is from here on. Oh, and support too. I am ok, but, like everyone here, I don't want to be in this place. So, I will keep walking. Just not sure of which path to take.

[iwantittowork]

GIMA,

I feel for you brother, your at a place I was a few weeks ago. I don't know if what I did is the correct thing, but it WAS the correct thing for me at the time.

First though, you may want some time here before you make hasty plans..

I don't feel like I should have to leave my home. But, I do not think she will agree to move out.

What does GIMA want here? I had asked my STBXW to move, but she wouldn't, and ultimately it was best for me to move, as I needed to be closer to work, and my d8 will be with STBXW as custodial parent. However, I put the bills for the house in STBXW's control, at my risk, but she needs to feel some pressure for this. I felt my STBXW was 'cake eating' a bit by floating at home not in a MR, but me paying for everything as if we were. Do you feel that way yourself? How can you put some burden back to her for what SHE has decided?

And what about the kids, the true losers in all of this. Now that part rips my heart out.

I hear you, and understand. This was exactly why I stuck around so much. My d8 has been amazing though, even though this is just the first week. Me sticking around the marital home during the next few months would have been WORSE for d8, keep that in mind for your kids, as you plan. Saving GIMA's emotional and financial well being is most important so you can be there for the kids no matter what happens.

Do I consult with a L? Do I set up a seperate checking account so she cannot see what I'm spending my money on (I would give her $ to pay the bills - and I don't know how much, if any, is left over for L or "my" things).

These two things I would do, if I were you, but they should be for you and not about spite, etc. I have been talking with someone who D'd a few years ago, and he DIDN'T seperate his checking account, figuring his W was not a bad person, and she then wiped out 20k of savings on the way out the door.

What I found is that there are no 100% 'correct' answers here, you have to do what is best for you, and then ride the wave after, and deal with things as they come up.

I am praying for you my friend, with all I can to pull through this no matter what the outcome..

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

Your Quote:

Here are my take aways from last night:
-W does not (or will not allow herself to?) love me.
-W is incapable of meeting ANY of my needs.
-Nothing I have done has had ANY affect upon her (before you say anything - I made these changes for ME and did not have any expectations).

My Reply:

We're in the same boat brother! It feels like the last eight months have made no impact on my W either. My W said yesterday that the fact we're communicating now is a major improvement. At this rate, my marriage will be reconciled in approximately 2 years. I simply have accepted the fact that this reconcliation is not on my timeline...period. There is not much I can do about it...and yes our wives have issues that go way beyond us.

So what are we to do my friend? I think for the first time we now understand what our wives were going through eight months ago. You and I are very close ourselves in becoming the WAS. This is our reality. The only reason I haven't walked away is the kids. I don't want some other guy to ever touch my kids!!! So for now I'm in a waiting pattern. I'm trying my best to accept what my wife has to offer in the present. The future has no guarantees for any of us. I'm trying my best to take the "patience" route. It's hard as hell, but it's my reality for now.

Yesterday, I read the DR chapter on dealing with a depressed person. I really believe my W blames me for her unhappiness. This chapter has realigned my viewpoint on my particular situation. It may help you as well. I'm choosing to be patient at this time, but I do know that this particular situation is going to end sooner or later...this limboland will not be indefinite. My W knows this as well.

Regards,
LFH

[Coach]

Yesterday, I read the DR chapter on dealing with a depressed person.

This stands out to me after reading your convo GIMA. She is emotionally numb, she responded "anything and everthing" (pessimistic thinking) and no energy to tackle problems. Ask her to have a physical and see a IC. You learned things having the conversation. One is that it isn't all you with problems.
Aren't you glad you didn't wait another 6 months to find out she hasn't budged?

You did something compassionate for your wife too. She was holding back from telling you something she knew was going to hurt you. You led the convo that needed to happen and relieved some pressure off her.

What did it take for you to wake up?
LFH is right here:

I think for the first time we now understand what our wives were going through eight months ago. You and I are very close ourselves in becoming the WAS.

The difference is that a WAS isn't focused on a solution but just how to get to a place of less pain. A DBer has tools and is looking for solutions regardless of the outcome. Sitting in limboland is OK for your Wife because the pain is bearable. But you are aware and wise enough to know that it is not where a strong, confident man is going to keep his marriage or family. The other side of limboland is a great place to live.

I would read "Oh, the Places You will Go" by Dr Suess to your kids this weekend. Think, pray, stay busy and mangage your energy. You can handle it.

Cheers

[C-Bart]

Gima,
Wanted to say thanks for sharing your sitch with us. I've learned so much about my sitch from reading yours this morning.

Keep strong and continue to move forward.

Thanks again.

[Greek]

I am saddened and disappointed. But, I am NOT devastated, depressed, defeated. Nor will I let this make me an unhappy person.

This is b/c you are strong and honorable.

I do not want to live in a loveless M. I deserve more than that. We all do.

Amen. This is your boundary.

So, folks, how am I supposed to act around her?

Aloof. About your business. Distant. Polite. Pull way back.

We are supposed to go to a function tomorrow as a family at the zoo. I want to be there with the kids, but I couldn't care less about being around her. I truly don't want to be around her.

Play with the kids. Don't ignore her but do not initiate engagement with her.

I don't feel like I should have to leave my home. But, I do not think she will agree to move out.

Don't leave your house. Let her know you think that a woman who does not want to be in "a M" should leave. Tell her to get busy arranging that. She can move in with parents, a friend, Residence Inn....

I now know I need to put together a plan for me. Do I consult with a L?

Yes. Know any??

Do I set up a seperate checking account so she cannot see what I'm spending my money on (I would give her $ to pay the bills - and I don't know how much, if any, is left over for L or "my" things).

Yes, but not so she can't see. You do it b/c a woman who does not want to be married needs to provide for herself. The reality is that you make the money, so you will be managing the money from here on out. Take the bills from her and you pay them. Give her a painfully small allowance. (Ouch, Greek!!!)

She doesn't have a job, and isn't really looking.

She must get a job. Big Girl Panties (my fave saying!). This is the reality she is asking for.

Guys, I sure could use some advice on what the plan is from here on.

Well, I'm not one of the "guys", but I chimed in anyway.

Cheers.
Greek