A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[The Wifey]

So let me get this right. I don't need eharmony or match. I just hang out near the pool with a big stack of fluffy towels?

"Can I refresh your drink? Was that a pina colada you were enjoying?"

Odog, I've been short on time to read or post. But regardless of not knowing the back story ------ H*ll yes this would work for me! And make mine a Strawberry Pina Colado if you would.

[orangedog]

Right away, ma'am.

[Dia]

This weekend is going to be interesting. My in-laws are coming. They're not staying with us. They're staying at the D's house while the D's are travelling.

I anticipate that they will want to see H and kidlet.

I anticipate that I will not be included an anything the 4 of them do together.

I anticipate that if MIL has decided to evict us (and if FIL has decided to knuckle under to her), we will be given notice this weekend.

Anybody got advice for this? Should I allow H to allow his mother to exclude me from family functions? For myself, I'm content to let it slide this weekend and this holiday season. Give MIL time to cool down. I also think that even nutjobs have the right to decide with whom they will or will not associate, so if I'm persona non grata, that's ok and I'll go do my thing elsewhere.

My father thinks this is completely inappropriate and that H and FIL should draw a line together and insist that I be included and treated like family, with civility if not with warmth. My father also thinks that H should be the one to explain to kidlet if I am not welcome at the HFOO compound for the holidays. If I do it, no matter how fair and accurate I am, I will be seen as badmouthing/ poisoning kidlet against Gramma H.

What does anybody think?

And for the record, I already told kidlet that Gramma H was angry with me and didn't want to see me or talk to me. As for why, I said Gramma H thought the divorce was my fault and she was angry that I hurt Daddy's feelings.

[Gardener]

Should I allow H to allow his mother to exclude me from family functions?

No. Nor should your man even entertain such a possibility.

Give MIL time to cool down.

From what you've written in the past, this passive-aggressive, controlling 'nutjob' will never cool down.

I also think that even nutjobs have the right to decide with whom they will or will not associate, so if I'm persona non grata, that's ok and I'll go do my thing elsewhere.

And if my woman were persona non grata, I would consider my parents to be the same and end the visit or I'd leave them and go be personas non grata with my wife and do our thing together.

I know, it's easy to say when it's not your own dysfunctional FOO that's at issue. Still, that's my take from this distance, Dia.

My father thinks this is completely inappropriate and that H and FIL should draw a line together and insist that I be included and treated like family, with civility if not with warmth.

Your dad's right and saying this might also be his way of wondering out loud if H and FIL have any giblets.

My father also thinks that H should be the one to explain to kidlet if I am not welcome at the HFOO compound for the holidays.

H should explain to kidlet that if Dia is not welcome at the HFOO compound for the holidays, the three of us are going to stick together as a family and consider none of us welcome at the compound. You three are the family.

And for the record, I already told kidlet that Gramma H was angry with me and didn't want to see me or talk to me. As for why, I said Gramma is a mean, rotten, controlling old hag! (how's that?).

Good night, kiddo.

[Dia]

OMG, Gardener - I laughed, nay, cackled!, right out loud at that!!

Nighters!

[Gardener]

Hope you only laughed at the two funny parts (giblets and the hag).

I was dead serious on the rest.

[Dia]

ok, I think I've untangled this for the moment - again.

There are three people in this sitch, hence three decisions.

I have stated to H and FIL that I am willing to repair the relationship. That's a decision I get to make.

MIL is entitled to invite or not invite who she pleases to her home for the holidays. That's a decision she gets to make.

And then H gets to decide how he will deal with the whole mess. That's his decision.

If H want sto discuss this with me, I will discuss it, but I need to be careful to to be or seem controlling along the lines of 'making him not let her exclude me.'

They're his giblets so he needs to wear them.

[Gardener]

Yep. Keep an eye on them giblets and you may find out which woman/which family is more important to him (or at least if he's outgrown his FOO's twisted drama dynamic.

Gardener. Must. Sleep.
Tomorrow, sweetie.

[Kettricken]

For myself, I'm content to let it slide this weekend and this holiday season. Give MIL time to cool down.

I this is a good idea. You've got enough to contend with given the very-fresh reconciliation/departure of OW without throwing gasoline on FOO flames at this exact moment.

My father also thinks that H should be the one to explain to kidlet if I am not welcome at the HFOO compound for the holidays.

On this, I agree with your dad.

Regarding people's decisions ... that's very noble of you. Don't forget that among those available decisions is your freedom (in my opinion, responsiblity) to let your husband know if it makes you feel sad, hurt, or second-tier if he continues to be all fine (overtly or covertly) with you being excluded in the future.

[bluerain]

I agree with Kett here, and Gardener. They both had great things to say.

Personally I have a little complex from my M about being on the back burner and valued less than the career/blood-family, etc... So my opinion is probably a little tainted, but I think that he needs to decide if he will allow his mother to decide with whom his loyalties lie. Maybe not this season, but at some point he should stand up for his wife.