Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Dia]

It was through 180s, flirting, what H calls emotional generosity and humbly admitting my mistakes.

As for pushing the issue, I did throwdown about OW, but pretty gently. I said I would wait a little longer, but I wasn't going to wait forever. That if we were going to move forward with full reconciliation, that I expected - and would give - 100%, unshakeable fidelity.

It's on this page: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137&page=109

Now, probably H had already made the decision before he slept with me, albeit unconsciously. But as far as having it out, on the table and explicit, it was on p. 109 after a little throwdown.

[goodattitudegirl]

Dia,

As for pushing the issue, I did throwdown about OW, but pretty gently. I said I would wait a little longer, but I wasn't going to wait forever.

So it sounds as though YOU were the one to initiate movement out of limbo. Is that correct? Now that you and H are down the path a bit, do you think that is how HE perceived it at the time? Or do you think that he thinks HE initiated the movement?

GAG

[Dia]

Yes, I think I am the one who initiated it. I'm not sure how he sees it because we haven't talked about it that directly. He was given the opportunity to make an active and informed choice between me and OW - and he made it. So he can't feel browbeaten or pushed around about it because his will and free choice were just as active as mine.

I still think I led, tho.

To recap - I put myself among the offerings available. He made the choice. Eventually, I told him I needed to hear what the choice was.

[goodattitudegirl]

Dia,

Did you feel pretty comfortable that all of "the signs" pointed to H's renewed interest in reconciliation? Or were you just "going out on a limb" by making your overture (referring to your initiating the OW or me talk)?

GAG

[Dia]

Another thought - when I initiated the conversation, I did it by expressing vulnerability. I expressed strength at the same time, but I think what got him was me expressing my insecurity that I didn't know who he was going to choose - and yeah, followed by a statement that I wouldn't wait forever.

This is different from what men are told to do. Men are told to be strong, be firm, be worthy of respect because that's what a woman wants.

So what do men want? At heart, do they want a woman they can protect? Did I 'win' because I invoked H's protective instincts? It's possible...

[Dia]

Dia,

Did you feel pretty comfortable that all of "the signs" pointed to H's renewed interest in reconciliation? Or were you just "going out on a limb" by making your overture (referring to your initiating the OW or me talk)?

GAG

I was pretty sure. Not 100%, but pretty sure. I told myself that I wasn't going to just 'assume' anything based on his actions, though. I needed it to be out in the open and explicit.

That said, I did not wake up that morning with a plan to have an R talk, nor did I have a long-term plan that eventually I would have one. The words sort of came out of my mouth a little out of the blue. The timing was right, though.

And if you read really carefully, *he* initiated that R talk by asking me if I felt excluded from his social circle. I merely nudged it a certain direction once it started.

Sorry for the threadjack, GIMA.

[goodattitudegirl]

Sounds like you HAD this thought in your mind and when the right opportunity presented itself you took it, am I right?

If I recall correctly, you and H were doing a LOT of flirting before you got to this point where you sensed the opportunity to do this. My sense is that GIMA would have a stronger chance at success if he could move into flirty territory (more affectionate physical contact) before broaching the "where are we going" convo?

GIMA, will there dancing at this restaurant? This would be a very good opportunity for some physical contact that would allow you to gauge her reaction. If she is tense, you probably know your answer. If she relaxes and enjoys herself dancing, that would seem to be a very good sign.

Dia, what do you think?

GAG

[Gardener]

S My sense is that GIMA would have a stronger chance at success if he could move into flirty territory (more affectionate physical contact) before broaching the "where are we going" convo?

And maybe - just maybe - you've been so noble, selfless, and patient in your approach that perhaps she might find you "manning up" (in the good sense) and taking the lead somewhat comforting and attractive.

Really just a wild guess I'm throwing out, here.

[givingitmyall]

Guys....

It just doesn't matter. We had the "talk" and NOTHING has changed for her since she dropped the bomb in April.

I began with I need to talk to you. OK. What's up? Well, I wanted us to come up with some ways we could improve our R. Oh, in what way? Well, we have been living under the same roof, but we aren't involved in a MR, and I'm NOT talking about sex. I'm talking about feelings. I am talk about holding your hand or giving you a hug.

Long pause by W, followed by, "Nothing has changed from what I said in April." W said "I just don't want to be in a M. "A" M, not "our" M.

This was followed by a discussion of love as a decision v. love as a feeling - b/c it sure as he!! sounds to me from her description that she experiences love as a feeling.

Then, towards the end of the discussion, I told her I understood her decision and that I accepted it. But, that I disagreed with her. And, that I could not control her or keep her from doing it or make her love me or want to be with me. Very calmly stated that.

Then the discussion turned on the why she felt the way she did. Basically got the same statements she gave me back in April. "Anything and everything." Which I told her wasn't really an answer - and I said "Maybe that IS the best you can do."

W explained that she thought with the economy the way it is, if we tried to sell the house right now, we couldn't (and she's right). So, the best thing for the support of the kids, according to her, is to try to stick it out in the house until the market improves.


Please understand guys, throughout this entire discussion, I was calm, collected, not needy, not pursuing, not begging, not angry. Just calm, detached and mature.

As I gathered my laptop to go back to what I will now call "MY" room, she asks whether I will make any changes in the way we are going about things - not her exact words, but the gist was was I going to bolt/file for D.

I am sure I have left some of the statements out, probably important ones.

The thing is, now I know. It's not what I want, but now I know. And, while I am not happy, I am, well, ok. Just ok. I don't feel like crying - maybe that will hit me later. I don't hate her. My worry now is for my kids. And that part hurts. Really badly.

Feedback, support, 2x4's are all welcome.

[goodattitudegirl]

GIMA,

So sorry your W presented her position as unchanged since 6 months ago. That must feel really unfair to you after all of the hard work you have been doing DB'ing.

GAG