It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, friends!

Well, I've been doing OK....... Snappin' the crap out of my wrist!!! But OK. I have tentative plans for going dancing Saturday (and maybe Friday) nite.

I oughta clean my house this weekend too.

I am really looking forward to getting back into session with my C on Monday! I need it!! I have this idea that I might like to have a session or two with STBXH (if he will agree) for some "closure".

I sorta feel like because of "DBing", there is actually a lot I haven't said, that I want to say. I have tried from the beginning to "take the high road" and be generous and understanding and not vindictive. And I am glad I have done that really.

I don't want to attack him or anything. I have forgiven him. But, this may sound weird, but I feel like he has no clue what I have forgiven him for. He honestly can't see any culpability on his part, other than the affair itself. I am not talking about that. I am talking about the fabric of our marriage.

I am talking about the fact that he never showed any affection, unless I instigated. I am talking about the fact that he didn't understand why I had such a problem being around him when he drank when nobody else did.......he doesn't see that it's because early on in our M, when he drank he got very abusive and even though the physical stuff stopped a long long time ago, the verbal and emotional abuse was still there when he drank (I now know that it's because he did not love me and when alcohol lowered his inhibitions, his animosity came out). A few months before the bomb, I remember getting into an argument because he was drinking, and I was lying in our bed and crying and telling him to go away and leave me alone, and he told me I was just pathetic and useless and how could he respect me when there was nothing to respect.

I really don't want to poke him in eye. Really! He really is not a horrible person! He just was never taught how to have a relationship and has no idea how to say what he feels so he bottles it all up and "fakes it". I just feel that there is so much that I have never said, either because I thought that would be "throwing it up to him" and I didn't want to hurt him that way.....or because I was "DBing" and wanted my M.

I don't know...... I am going to talk at length with C about this and see if it would be a worthwhile exercise. I don't expect him to agree, or offer an apology, or anything remotely like that. It's not about him.... it's about me and whether I need to say it.

If it does come to pass, it's not going to be for a while...... I wouldn't want to do it until the bankruptcy and legal sep is completely done. I don't want to rock that boat. So, I'll take the next 6 months or so to let it ruminate in the back of my head.....