Jody says that walk-aways may or may not acknowledge receipt of this type of letter so you can imagine my surprise when H's reply was in my e-mail inbox before 9AM this morning:
"Morning!
Thanks so much for your note (hand delivered no less!)…… I hope you take me at my word that I am very happy for you. You have made a transformation, the likes I could not have dreamt. And yes, work is important, however, you now know that it is or should be only part of who we are. I agree that you were the proverbial hamster on the wheel, with no apparent way to jump off. Well, the wheel slowed down for you to begin a new route.
I have no regrets either. You truly are a wonderful person with great heart and compassion; now have the time and means to enjoy life and others. And I would be remiss if I didn't thank you once again for seeing Mom when you can. I will tell you, as of yesterday, she said she was going to go to the "Meet the Neighbors" meeting on Friday afternoon. SHE mentioned it to me without me reminding or encouraging her! And she said she wanted to take a drawing class that they offer downstairs….amazing! Mom is doing very well at her new "home" and I thank you for that.
I wish you the best and we will continue to maintain our friendship. You know that if you ever need help I will be there.
Love,
H"
The part that confuses me is the "Love" sign-off. I have always felt that H and I both still love one another. We have been very kind to one another throughout this whole ordeal. At one point we bonded over the fact that we were both ticked off at our attorneys (sorry GIMA). Someone once said that the saddest divorces are those when both people still love one another. H rarely said the "love" word while we were really happily married......I think it had something to do with his unhappy childhood.....so it really sticks out to me that he wrote it now.
--Served 1/09. --D decree signed 4/09 -- I persuaded H to agree to a final D date 6 months after we signed decree. H acted like he was manic the first 4 months after he left. I wanted to buy time to see if his mood would even out. He was happy the first 1-3 months after buying his new house (5/09). Now after 2 women have "dumped him", perhaps he's having flashbacks to his single days before we met? --D is scheduled to be final 11/7/09.
Remember the birthday dinner that H invited me to? You, Oz, Rabbit, and others gave me great flirting ideas (LOVED those). I spoke with a reliable source who said that H didn't tell his BMF that he took me to dinner or that I was dressed provocatively and flirted.........
Well H just left after spending about 3 hours here. He came by to clear his things out of the garage before winter sets in here in the Great White North. Surprisingly, he STILL didn't manage to get everything.
I had a bad cold and have been hoarse for the last 2 days. Recovering today with a raspy voice. When H arrived he immediately climbed up on the roof to take down a giant branch that had fallen onto the roof. He also carried a heavy teak patio table to the 2nd floor storage area above the garage. We had talked about both these things a couple days before but H remembered and did these things right after arriving.
I had curried squash soup simmering in the crockpot and the cinnamon and cumin spice scents filled the house. My H used to like this soup. Both H and BMF commented on the wonderful scent.
We had about 1 1/2 hours alone together before his BMF arrived with a truck.
H: "We can throw that (I forget what it was) away". Me: (Looking at H in the eyes) "You're not much for recycling, are you? I have a very clear recollection of standing at the kitchen counter one day when you were talking about how you were going to throw such-and-such away because it would be too hard to repair and you could get a new one. I remember wondering that day if you were going to throw ME away the same way." H: (Looking surprised) "You thought that?" Me: "Yeah."
Then I saw an opportunity to interject something that Jody had coached me to tell H when I had the chance.
Me: "You know that I have been in therapy for the past year....and I forgave you along time ago for leaving.....and I forgave myself for the doing the things that made you so unhappy that you left." H: (It was quite interesting that H looked open to me. He did NOT look like there was a wall up. I could tell by the look on his face that my words were registering with him.) "I know that."
Not much else to report other than as H was leaving he turned to me, gave me a nice hug and said "Don't be a stranger". As he turned and walked down the back sidewalk I said "You'll have to initiate if that's what you want". Don't know whether he even heard me but I was voicing my frustration. Probably not great DB'ing.
So, the main thing that I think I learned today is that H has softened in his feelings toward me. Don't really know what that means since Dday is 2 weeks away now. My sister says that H's continued unwillingness to try reconciling in spite of his obvious caring for me says that facing his inner demons is even scarier than facing life without me. The only thing I know at this point is that I have peace in the knowledge that I have done everything that I could possibly do to restore my M.
