Rob, I hope you get good news on the knee - and that it just calls for PT. I can totally understand the benefits of exercise - as I think my lack of it has helped propel me into a state of mild-to-sever depression over the last few weeks (the PT I do for the torn ACL just doesn't get the blood flowing...).
It's good to hear you sounding so upbeat and to see that you're identifying and pulling yourself out of some dark places.
What a shame about your GF's car - such random frustrations can be so taxing at times.
How are things at school?
Any plans for Halloween? I'm hoping to take my S3 to a pumpkin patch this Saturday (there's a train involved, he loves trains) - so that should be fun.
I had the MRI on the knee, but don't know the results as of yet. However, I did go to a chiropractor on Monday and he relieved a lot of pain and pressure. He looked at the right knee and thinks it may be an injury to the MCL, but he's not sure either w/out the MRI to look at.
I am looking at things differently and it has helped. I've been continuing to do some reading, and finishing up "How to Improve Your Marriage W/Out Talking About It" has been a great read as it gave me some really good insight as to what I did wrong in my M as well as what I can do to help things out in my current R.
That is the part that is a bit troubling right now as GF has gone into a depressed state and we've not been in much contact since Sunday morning. She is worried about her stolen car (recovered near the border), she finally wrapped up a wrongful termination suit w/the EEOC, and she's having some issues w/what may be an ulcer in her stomach that is causing her a ton of pain.
So, she sent me a text after the EEOC thing finalized on Monday and then I didn't hear from her again until Wednesday morning when she told me she was depressed and didn't want to be around anyone. She apologized for not being in touch w/me and said it wasn't fair for me right now.
I "stepped into the puddle" w/her and affirmed her situation and how difficult things have been for her. I told her I missed her, but I know she needs space. I left w/telling her I'm here for whatever and she knows how to find me if she needs anything.
So, now I'm just in a bit of a holding pattern as I try to decide whether or not this is going to be something where she really needs time, or if she's blowing me off and wanting to end things. I'm tending to believe she's really in a down state and is retreating into her shell and I don't really think it is about me.
However, until she decides to get some help, I'm not sure there is going to be a future w/us. Now, I'm in that area where I'm planning on giving her her room and allowing her to "miss me" but I'm also confused as to whether or not I should reach out to her.
This is where relationships are tough. Am I supposed to stay away, or is she calling out for help and wants my connection? It is hard to get connected on an emotional level if we aren't interacting. Thus, my internal dilemma. Again, it could be over-analysis, so for now, I'm going to stay away, but may end up sending her a card or something in the mail if I continue not to hear from her. I'm in uncharted waters and learning to sail on my own w/a new outlook about who I am and newly formed confidence about myself.
In the end, if it goes too long w/out contact, I'll know what is up and where things are so I'll look to move on at that point. I'm not interested in dating someone else and if this goes south, I'll be sad. However, I've learned a lot and would be able to get back on my feet again w/out much delay.
So, that is what is going on for now. I'm in limbo right now, but determined to stay away and give her space. That is what she asked for, so I'll give it to her. The tone of her texts didn't feel like the "it is over" messages, but just that she feels guilty that she can't give me attention right now b/c she's too consumed by her own issues.
I could be wrong, but I'm feeling like it is a space issue right now and if that is true, then the only thing that changes things is time.
I'm interested in what the ladies take on this is and I know what the male perspective will be - I need to lead - but I'm confused as to how to "lead" when we are in this current mode.
So, I'll keep you all posted and will look forward to hearing some feedback.
It's good to hear the knee is healing! What is it with men and balls? Hmmm...
On the GF front... She's sounding more like a girl friend than a girlfriend. She also doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship, or at least the type you're seeking. And it may be safer for you to pursue (albeit slowly) someone who is consistently tentative. You're living on crumbs and cold noodles.
My take on it... pull back. Wayy back and examine what's driving you to need such a high maintenance relationship. Is it easier to focus on another person's needs than your own? Is this really love or something that's helping you bridge the gap between the pain of a family dissolving and discomfort of being alone? Having a special friendship, loving connection right after divorce can be one of the best ways to heal but it's often short lived. How much of this reflects your old patterns? Although you're giving her 'distance' you're still smothering her with your constant concern, even if it's anxiety you keep to yourself.
However, until she decides to get some help, I'm not sure there is going to be a future w/us.
You hit the nail on the head. And she may or may not be ready. And if she gets help, changes do not occur overnight. And she might not want what you want. And, my friend, apply the statement in italics to you.
Why do you need a future.. ? Some divorced women I know who are in relationships take it one day at a time, are happy that someone finds them appealing (rather than their former spouses who didn't).
Leave her alone. Let her reach out to you. And find your feet. Discover what is positive of being single, at ease in your own skin.
Thank you very much for your words. I must admit that I didn't sleep very well last night after reading your post, but that is actually a good thing. You really got me thinking.
The answer to your question "are you repeating an old pattern?" is YES! It took me a bit, but I've discovered that I've been putting myself in the position of the rescuer again. GF has been filled w/drama and I've been there to bail her out. In the process, I've become a follower rather than a leader and pretty much slipped into the "nice, wussy guy" mode.
I've gone over instance after instance in my head over the past few hours and came up w/far too many times where I took the backseat and let her do the directing. In the process, I've managed to damage her attraction toward me and that is becoming very, very evident right now.
There has been so much drama w/her that it has been a lot of work for me and instead of realizing I'm in a one-sided relationship w/a person who is sucking me dry, I stuck around thinking that "once we get through this rough patch and can start to relax, then we'll be able to see what we have in this relationship."
Well, leaving one rough patch led to being in another and in the end, GF and I did a lot of nothing. She wasn't motivated into doing anything and going out, so we basically sat around a lot. In a word - BORING!
When we have actually gone out and done things, there has been a lot of fun, sparks and attraction. However, those are too few and far in between and instead of realizing it, I accepted it and let GF lead. In hindsight, when she resisted and just wanted to be a couch potato, I should have been going off on my own and doing what I wanted to do...but I haven't done that and now I understand that is b/c I wanted to make sure she was happy. In the end, I need to make sure I'm happy first.
So, to answer Donna's question, I now know why I've been staying where I'm at and been allowing myself to live off of crumbs. I've been telling myself that although the lack of excitement and connnection is frustrating for me, I need to be giving and unselfish right now as GF needs someone to be there for her.
I have some mixed emotions this morning. Part of me wants to vomit and the other part is very sad. I'm mad at myself and sad about realizing I need to pull away for my own good. As I can see, it isn't easy for me to pour myself into something and then leave it alone. Thus, this is hard for me to swallow.
However, I see what is needed and I'll be leaving GF well alone. I'm pulling away from her and it will be up to her to reach out to me. If and when she does, the challenge for me will be to remember how I feel right now and not let it happen again.
I feel ill b/c I've been a wimpy ass-kisser instead of a man. I've been following and getting abused in the process. I'm embarassed about this revelation, but I also know that I have no choice but to accept this and now do something about it.
GF has mentioned that she'd be jealous if I was dating someone else which made me think that she really wanted me around for the right reasons. She may, but the way I've been acting has allowed her to do whatever she wants w/out concern for me and what I want and need.
So, I'm going to wait a bit and if we get into next week and I haven't heard from her, I'll put myself officially back on the market and date some people casually. If GF shows up again, I may still go out on a simple meet-and-greet or too, but even if I don't, I'm going to lead and do what is in my best interest.
Things w/GF may be unhealthy and they may be over, but even if they are not and she decides she doesn't want me to go away, the first thing that will need to happen is I'll need to change my outlook and attitude toward the relationship. After that, it will be up to her to convince me to stick around.
So, I'm going forward today w/new information and a new plan to make sure that I'm taken care of rather than taken advantage of.
Why is it that old habits are so difficult to replace?
To be more direct in answering your question, I've allowed myself to put up w/GF b/c of my own fear of being alone again. I jumped in and things w/GF and I were great at first, so I got hooked.
Lately, they haven't been going well, especially over the past few weeks or so as she's been pulling away.
I would love for GF to want to be w/me and become more open and loving, but that may be an impossibility. Instead, I need to make sure that I'm not putting myself in a position to be weak and taken advantage of any longer.
That is the key - not only for myself in the long-term - but for any relationship I'm going to have. If it isn't w/this one, I'll still have to be careful to look out for myself in the next one or I'll find myself in the same place again.
I just think that there are some bad signs here early on with this lady. She is pretty, but the depression is going to hold you down. Move on. Realize that the Phoenix area has many more eligible single ladies. Get that knee better. Have fun with Grace. Oh, and watch the Husky's get their asses handed to them by the Ducks tomorrow.
Never would I EVER consider you a wimpy ass-kisser. Sounds like a pity party to me. Blah blah blah.. I'm not a MAN.. yadda yadda. Sheesh, buddy! *hugs*
You are a man. You are a father. You are a teacher. You are a person committed to the best for his daughter.
You are wounded, emotionally. We all are. Wounds take time to heal. Behaviors take time to change. It's easy to 'be' who you've always been.
BUT..
With awareness the triggers can be identified, the red flags heeded. You can do something about it, learning in the process what works and doesn't work. Get perspective. Give yourself perspective without beating yourself up about it.
Recently I met a couple, one of whom is the daughter of longtime friends of my mother. The daughter who is my age is in remission from the same type of brain cancer that killed Ted Kennedy within a year. She has survived for three years which is representative of only 10% of those who contract this cancer. She left her high powered job because her oncologist said the stress would kill her. Her husband decided to retire so that they could be together. They live a life full of promise. He nurtures her without pity or demeaning who she is. She's independent, whole and loved. She loves him. He loves her.
I imagined marrying him when she dies. The imagine stuck in my mind and I couldn't get rid of it. We could all become friends, close and I'd be there when he was widowed. I hated myself for so compulsively thinking like that. A good friend pointed out that I admired and respected a husband who so deeply cared for his wife. Why wouldn't I? Once I had that perspective, all the angst disappeared and all those wacky thoughts went away.
We all have experiences of how we've changed from consequence of divorce and how we've remained the same. Old habits die hard. But through examination and choice, they change.
Maybe it was a pity party of sorts, but I do look back and see times where I needed to be assertive, but didn't understand how to "read" women correctly. It may be a moot point w/this one, but I'm still trying to learn.
As for seeing what is out there, I'm just not interested in seeing someone else. I mean I took a look at the old on-line site and really, I'm just not wanting to try w/someone else right now.
I guess I'm saying I'm not ready to throw this all away yet...even though maybe I should be. It doesn't feel like go away time right now, but I could just be completely screwed up.
Anyway, she did send me something today from her work about kids and their innocense and I wrote her back. I kept the reply to only what she sent, didn't pressure her or ask how she was doing, and I didn't talk about our R at all. She replied immediately to my reply, but I left it there.
So, now I'm still waiting to see what happens next. If she misses me, she knows where I am, as evidenced by today. I'm not getting too excited about today's contact, but at least it was something on her part in the form of a connection.
Again, we'll see. If there isn't anything from her by next week, I'm thinking of sending her a simple card and then deciding to let it go or not based on her reaction. The card would be simple and not be mushy, but let her know I've enjoyed the moments we've shared and I look forward to more moments w/her.
It is an idea, but I'll let you all know what I'll do before I do it. I think now the thing for me to do is to be patient and wait to see what happens.
Time will let me know a lot, but also, if I am on her mind, I'm guessing she'll let me know.
In the meantime, I'll concentrate on me, on my D, and on getting my knee back in shape (cartilige damage and a possible small MCL tear). I only hope surgery isn't too invasive. I hated the rehab on the left knee, but that one was a mess compared to this one. Hopefully we can just go in quick and easy and keep the rehab to a minimum.
That's it for now. I'm blue b/c I've allowed myself to feel and invest again. I may have bet on the wrong horse, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. My astrological signs say I've got to be extra patient when involved w/a Sagitarius like GF, so maybe this is part of the "waiting game"...or maybe not.
Ali is the one to help on that front.
Be well my friends. I'm down right now b/c I don't want to date anyone else, but I'm going to bed and tomorrow is a new day.
Again, it could be over-analysis, so for now, I'm going to stay away, but may end up sending her a card or something in the mail if I continue not to hear from her. I'm in uncharted waters and learning to sail on my own w/a new outlook about who I am and newly formed confidence about myself.