Hope and heartache

[awest1217]

I am so sorry to hear that. Of course there is still hope, but now is the time for you to really truly focus on you. The more you focus on your the more strength you will have to deal with W, and spend more quality time with Ds. You just need to keep being nice when she is talking and just stay kind yet like you said detached. She may not come around, but at least you know you tried and you are coming out a better man from all of this.

With everything you really need to focus on yourself because when you do have the girls, you need to be there for them. They are going to have the hardest time with this. I see that with my own S and he is only 2. They understand a little more about what is happening, but they will need a lot of reassurance, and you can't give it if you don't take care of yourself.

Once again I am sorry and I will pray for your strength.

[ClingingToHope]

Problem with sleeping pills is that you have no energy the next day. Couple that with feeling I'm on the bottom of the roller coaster and I just want to lay on my couch and sleep all day.

But instead it's time to go into work.

I still find it surreal that I will be facing divorce soon. I'll leave the info on collaborative divorce at W's house tonight. Then I'll text her in a week to see what direction she's headed.

I'm feeling better about last night's talk and the fact I didn't break down and ask why she's doing this. She's hanging out with divorcees at townie bars. I don't know what enjoyment she'll find from that long term.

I just have to keep going. Keep grinding. Keep from falling into too much of a financial hole. And keep praying. Definitely keep praying that I can handle the path he is choosing for me.

[ClingingToHope]

Muddling through the day. D10 had to leave school early. She called me, not W, because she knows I'll come and get her.

So I did and dropped her off at a neighbor's house and worked for a bit. Then went home to meet D7 off bus. After school lady couldn't come today because she's sick. So I stayed home with both for a while and W called to say they could go to a daycare by her work.

So I drove them all the way across town to drop them off there and head back to work. Put myself seriously behind. W? She blissfully worked through her day with no troubles.

She is committed to going through with a D. I'm committed to have this affect my D's as little as possible, but I can't continuously put my job on hold for W's sake without consideration.

So when the time comes to discuss visitation stuff and child support how I bring up the fact that I should pay less because I am putting my own career in jeopardy by continually being the kid shuttle person?

W never said thanks -- I've done it for so long she expects it. D10 is pretty sick though. I doubt there's any way she makes it to school tomorrow. I'm wondering what W will do. If she pulls the crap she did before and leaves her home alone, do I call her on it?

[mishka422]

W never said thanks -- I've done it for so long she expects it.

There's the rub.....she expects it. I'm sorry, this is going to sound callous and uncaring toward your kids, but it isn't. Don't do this anymore. If she is going to be the custodial parent then she needs to act like one. If she isn't willing to take just as much time off from work as you are (including the every day shuttling) then she also has no right to be the primary custodian.

If she pulls the crap she did before and leaves her home alone, do I call her on it?

Ummmmmm....the short answer? YES!

No child under the age of 14 should be left alone for more than an hour. Especially a sick child under 14. If your W doesn't get that, she has no business being a parent.

She has to be hit upside the head with reality. Reality is that if she is going to D you then she loses all the conveniences of being M. That includes having a live in flexi-taxi for the kids. You have a life and a career. You have time with the girls that you are responsible for. So does she. If she can't make arrangements to have someone responsible (other than you!) look after them then she will have to leave her oh so precious job and take care of her children herself! (gasp! say it ain't so!).

And yes, sarcasm is my middle name in case you were wondering.

Question - your kids seem to have been sick quite a bit lately. Have they seen a doctor?

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks for responding Mishka, I was feeling a bit lonely. Awest and I have been keeping up a good correspondence though.

D10 and D7 have had a bad run of illnesses so far this year. D10 has always struggled with respiratory stuff. You have to keep the house really, really clean -- and that's not happening with me not there. In fact, it's going to get worse. She's allowed them to push her into buying two guinea pigs to go along with the dog and the cat. Remember, she works 60 hours a week.

Not that I was a clean freak. But I kept the dishes done and the clothes washed and the dog hair swept so W could spray down the counters and tables.

Last night I had them and checked both their heads since D7 had lice last week. One nit on D7 -- yeah -- 7 nits on D10 -- boo. Turns out W didn't check their hair Monday or Tuesday. D10 said she sat in the living room watching TV Tuesday.

Of course, I don't have a lot of room to talk. Last night, after our latest round of D talks, I spent about an hour talking to my aunt and sister to cheer me up.

I know I have to stand my ground on the kid stuff and I'm getting ready to. I always justified it in my head before that we were a team and it was OK to put my job at risk for hers.

You are right. I can't be doing that. W actually shocked me last week by staying home with D7. Tomorrow, if D10 is sick I can't miss work and I looked up that in Illinois it is illegal to leave a child home alone younger than 14. That seems a bit much. I would think 12 and under. Still, it'll be interesting to see what happens.

People keep telling me I need to document this stuff for the D negotiations. I guess I am on this site.

[ClingingToHope]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Just got off phone with W. Second call tonight. D10 has flu and it may be the bad one. Chills, body aches, 102 degree temp.

W wanted to split the day off with me. She works half, I work half, but I told her I couldn't do that on Friday. I had three stories to write for the weekend.

That set her off. I tried not to fight but she pushed enough buttons that it became an argument. Eventually, she hung up on me.

I tried to do the "listen affirmatively" thing but she demanded that the next time one of the daughter's get sick that I had to stay home. I've already worked from home or called in sick six times this school year. My superiors have told me my absences have been noticeable.

I tried to stand up for myself and that just made her madder.

I sent a text after saying I know she's frustrated, but I have to look out for myself at work. I left unsaid that this is the path she chose.

[mishka422]

I left unsaid that this is the path she chose.

Why leave it unsaid. Don't assume that she knows that. She is living in la la land as it is.

[awest1217]

You did just fine. W is mad and pushed your buttons on purpose because she does not want to look inward at the real problem and that is her. If she really does want to be custodial parent then she needs to step up. She needs to take care of the girls as much as you. I know with my H gone, I knew that I wanted to be the custodial parent so I have done everything possible to show I can handle it. I have made a support group of people I can call in case I can't take off of work, need a break, or something else like going to therapy, which is good and showing I am getting help. Your W has done nothing! She needs to step-up or you should fight for custody. That would be hard on the girls, but they would be better with a parent that puts them first and not a career.

Keep standing your ground! Unless it is your time to be with the girls, W should stay home and be a mother. She will start realizing what she is missing or what a divorce would do when you actually make her see the realization. Make sure the girls are taken care of, but she needs to be inconvenienced as well.

Stay strong.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks, Awest and Mishka, I'm feeling good about it, although I wish I'd been more business like and less emotional -- my voice rose with hers.

She's so eager to divorce and it's nights like these that I am as well. She doesn't have a clear sense of what it's going to cost her to divorce and once a plan is on paper then she can't try to call up and make additional demands.

Of course, she is feeling the heat at work -- although that may be in her head more than an actual reality -- and I do feel sorry for that. But I'm the only one who has pulled into a meeting and told I needed to take less time off for my kids.

Now I'm looking forward to my weekend. Working at a high school football game tomorrow -- $45, not much, but it all helps -- then going into Chicago Saturday night to see a friend and to Cincinnati on Sunday for the Bears-Bengals game.

W will be home with a sick child -- and another one going stir crazy. I may call and take D7 off her hands for a few hours Saturday morning -- if she allows it, she tends to stew when she doesn't get her way.

I'm actually more than willing to take a day off next week if one of them is sick -- but not if it's a demand. If she calls up and asks nicely if I can do it, I'll make it work. But she can't make demands.

[ClingingToHope]

Just got off phone with W. I texted to see how D10 was doing and she called back. D has the full blown flu, perhaps even the swine flu.

W has calmed down -- although she did not apologize for flying off the wall last night -- and it was a good conversation.

I'm going over there in 30 minutes so she can go get her flu shot and then I'll stay a bit longer so she can take D7 to get a flu shot as well.

She said she's trying to keep the two separated. I offered to take D7 tomorrow for several hours -- although they are getting new guinea pigs and D7 might not want to leave.

I snuck in that I was going to Chicago tomorrow night so I couldn't take D-7 for the night.