Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Well Trent, as far as moving back in, I have no hope. Like I said he is really only here to see the boys while they are sick. Tonight is night two. It will be interesting.

You'd be surprised what can happen, but definitely do not get your hopes up. I'll be interested in a post-game analysis tomorrow.

I think a lot of it is the fact that he has had no affection in the past month he's been away, and just being in our home makes him want it. Which really sucks, cause its not me, its just the feeling of affection that he craves. I believe that.

And that is why you should have clear boundaries while he's in the house. If you believe he's just lonely, there's no reason to give him what he wants.

As for staying away from the house? I don't think that's necessary as long as he understands the ground rules. You need to be there for your kids -- as several people have commented in other situations with kids, your children nees to know that they have one parent who is 100% committed to their well-being, and you can't count on it to be him.

I feel like if I'm here he expects me to bend over backwards for him, cook him lunch, get him a drink if he's on the couch...etc. Then I fall into the habit of our old ways and do it.

And that's a perfect reason not to do it -- a textbook example of a 180, in fact -- the same way you didn't need to let him back into your bed because he couldn't find a blanket for the couch. He needs to respect you if you're going to work it out, and there's no reason for him to do that when he gets all of the perks of your relationship with no effort or investment on his part.

You're not "punishing" him if you explain clearly why he doesn't get to enjoy the privileges he's had. Again, it comes back to him dealing with the consequences of his decisions.

Also do you think I should talk to him about the mixed signals (backrub offer, sleeping in my bed offer)? Or just leave it..?

You will ultimately be the best judge of it, but there's no reason to indulge his mixed signals. If he's seriously having second thoughts about leaving, he needs to tell you. Until then, keep politely turning him down.

Cause today as I was gettting ready to go for lunch with a friend, he continued to talk about next week and the week after childcare discussions, and how we will go about things. I hate this!

If you have somewhere you need to be, he needs to respect that. You can tell him that you'll talk about it when you get back.

As soon as he asked me to sleep in our bed and offered me that backrub my tummy fluttered and I had the best feeling I've had in 3 weeks!

Oh, I know those feelings all too well. It's been 6 weeks to the day since my last romantic encounter with my wife -- to be honest, it's been 6 weeks since any such physical gratification -- and it was murder when she came to bed in my favorite PJ top and underwear last night. I feel like I'm 16 all over again!

But I have my rules; given the our last encounter, I have made it clear that she has to initiate sex next time.

I have no plans tonight and cannot find anything to do. He and the kids will be here. Do you advise me maybe to be here too, and show him some change I've made?

Well, there are two ways to handle it.

1) Stay at home, take care of the kids, and be polite but detached from your husband. If you want to show off some changes, buy something nice for yourself -- a new outfit, new perfume, a new set of undies, etc. -- but it's tricky to "show off" changes because it can come across as manipulative.

2) Spend some time online looking for something to do before he gets home. Are there any dance studios with free or cheap introductory lessons? Many art galleries and/or museums have a "First Thursday" showing, with free or inexpensive entry fees.

Good luck to you tonight!