Thanks people. Yes, the nitpicking continues. Under it all is the message "I am working so hard to pay for everything and you are lazing around." I got yelled at last night with that message and H threatened to write a letter to my L to destroy the sep agreement he offered - because it was "way too generous and he's getting f***ed in the a**". So now he threatens to make the papers much less favorable to me financially, insisting I make a certain amount of $ or we will sell the house.
this is a living hell people.
YOUR L probably has something to say about that. Call him/her.
Stronger, you are exactly right. Since the big threats, I left the house, shut off all communication, spent the night at a friends and refused to talk.
Guess who called me 24hrs. later CALMLY TALKING, WANTING TO RESOLVE THINGS BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, EVEN IN THERAPY, AND OWNING UP TO HOW PARANOID HE'S BEEN.
He has a long way to go, but I'm finally standing up to him this has shown results. THANK GOD. It's going to be a tough battle.
My first step is - stay away from him, and only talk about this stuff in therapy. He came up with the idea today, I didn't ask him. So I"m going to jump on it and stay away. No more clinging and waiting around. I have busy plans with my son and my friends this weekend.
Your H will set you up. He'll make it so he can yell at you no matter what you do.
Envelope on the floor = Yell at Hope b/c stuff is always a mess around here. Doesn't she ever DO anything around here?
Hope picks up envelope = Yell at Hope for touching my stuff.
Or...
Garage is too full = Yell at Hope b/c I can't get my car in. Doesn't she ever DO anything around here?
Garage is orderly = Yell at hope for touching my stuff.
Maybe he doesn't do this, but my red flags went up when you mentioned those two incidents.
When he does this to you, where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't - do what pleases you. If you want the garage orderly, do it. If you want the envelope off the floor, pick it up. For me, if I knew I was going to be yelled at either way, I'd much rather have been yelled at for doing something I wanted. That way I was at least in control and not knuckling under to an arsehole in the grip of his own demons. When I didn't do things specifically because I didn't want to trigger abuse, I felt like I had become complicit in the abuse.
Does that make any sort of sense?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Dia, you are right on the button. I have finally realized this. I'm set up for a no-win. This is why I'm prepared to leave anytime this yelling comes up again. I have nothing left to lose - and my self-respect to gain.
Jeez. Guess who came over for Friday night dinner, didn't yell at anyone, stayed off of his blackberry, and laughed and shared stories with tonight for like two hours?
Wow. going dark and detaching works. I was prepared to be yelled at and ignored, and to have to leave, as usual. But he was bubbly and chatty and upbeat - WITH ME. FOr the first time in a long, long time.
I don't know what to make of this. Still on guard. But - OMG! I'm in shock. Feeling strong.
Also, I decided I wasn't going to give up theatre forever since H hasn't noticed it helping our M. I auditioned for the first time in a while the other night, and nailed the part! Show starts in Feb. so that buys us time.
