I felt like I was beating a dead horse with that question, but I guess their really isn't an answer and I just have to trust my intuition!! And, like I said to Annette OW isn't going to just disappear is she?
Hope you had a great weekend. I did. I went to a college football game last night, it poured the whole first half, but I was prepared with my rain gear. My goal was to sit through the whole game in the rain. In the past if it was raining, I didn't care what was going on I didn't go. But I was determined to sit out the rain last night. However, my sister and friend wanted to leave at halftime, my brother and me would have stayed but left. Wouldn't you know it stopped raining shortly after the third quarter started! I'm pretty proud of myself for once again doing something I wouldn't have done only one short year ago.
I had an interesting conversation with my friend PW last night. She wanted to know what was happening with me and H, she said she was worried, didn't want to see me get screwed--financially. I said I really don't think I am and aren't their enough good lawyers out there these days that it wouldn't HAVE to happen to me if it did go that way. At the beginning of this mess I do talk to a lawyer and eventually ended up playing the "I want to see about a D get me an appt. to I changed my mind" that she at one point said this was it! So I'm banned from her office. I told her I still wanted to make this marriage work, that I'm not ready to do anything yet. It's the third person thing that's bothering her the most, I told her I've been trying my hardest to put OW out of my mind. She wanted to know why! He's there with OW, if things aren't good with her H comes to me, if things are good with me he goes to OW, which I agreed I said he was having his cake and eating. I couldn't get her to understand why OW wasn't that important at this point, that she's a symptom of the problem and also a victim of this whole situation. Isn't it kind of like someone being an alcoholic, the person can't deal with their problems, so they drink, it's not the answer to their problems, but a sympton of their problem. So isn't this what OW is, also? Is it because she's a human being that people see this as something intolerable. Doesn't an alcoholic have hit rock bottom before they start to address their problems? I don't know it seems like OW and alcohol are kind of one and the same?
I told her I was fine, I was okay with the way things are for now, but I couldn't put into words how things might be changing. PW at one point did say "H isn't going to change" so why try. I said maybe he won't and I don't know that I want him back if he hasn't realized that he was part of this problem and it wasn't just me. PW then said I don't know C I can picture him showing up with all of S*** and saying he's back home and you just letting him move back in. I said I don't know that I would let him back, my life has been going pretty good and I like it now. I like being relaxed, just me and son, it's easier to plan my weeks, and I DO NOT want to go back to the "walking on eggshells" feeling. That scares me the most. So we kind of ended the conversation, by me saying I'm doing fine for now. I'll know when enough is enough. She then went on to tell me about her and her H and problems. I couldn't talk to her though, I told her when he says something critical just agree with him. She said I WILL NOT DO THAT! I said why not it'd shut him up. I don't know what's going to happen with those two either, but I think her H is MLC, but PW won't see it.
Enough on PW, today was spent with S3 as he went to bed rather late last night he was wound up like you wouldn't believe all day today. Finally got him to bed about half hour ago. Didn't get to go bowhunting as I had no one to watch S3 and I really wanted to be with him, took him to the park and played. I even turned a ticket down to an NFL game today, that ended up in OT with my team losing!!
Can I just say that my dial up connection at home is soooo slow and it takes me forever to read posts and to post. It seems exceptionally busy her this weekend with lots of good things happening to people!
Quote: I know that I did that and one other thing I have realized that I did a lot was use that "shell" to get attention from him. If I was mad or upset, I would go into my shell and then he would come after me asking what was wrong.
My H wouldn't even try with me, I don't ever remember him coming to me and saying what's wrong? I think he always thought it was about him. Or mabye not, I don't know we didn't communicate. After I found out about A H was having and people started find out, my whole life was out there for everybody to see, to judge me, to wonder what was wrong, I felt like I was the awful person when it all happened, but I never bad mouthed H. The thing that bothered me the most was that H was telling OW about me, about our private life--there are always two sides to every story and she only had his side!!! I admitted to my 50% to people and I used to never ever tell people personal things about myself. I was/am a private person. So at the point of the bomb I had to come out of my shell and have been out ever since.
Just go off the phone with H, we talked about our weekend. He did ask how I was doing. I then asked how he was. He talked about his up trip up North. I asked about fishing, H said nothing was biting...was this good that he told me about his weekend? Talked about son, told him what we did this weekend. He wanted to know who went to the game with me, where we went, who we saw. He's so nosey.
He then asked me about a charge that came through on our line of credit and I told him.
I probably just scared him off again, I asked him to go with son and me to the football game this Saturday and he said "No, no I do not want to go" very firmly. I said Okay that's fine, just thought I would ask.
It was at that point, that I said well I have to go my boss needs me. He said what? I said I have to go my boss needs me. He said okay, bye.
I guess he was in an okay mood. I'm feeling a little anxiety about the fact that he was with OW. I guess I really shouldn't ask him about his weekend, should I? I feel better when I don't know, it also gives him the opportunity to rub it my face, he didn't but one other time he did...have to refrain from doing this in the future.
Well, here is my 2 cents: I have learned one great lesson. Some people you can not talk to about R with your H. When they ask, I say "I'm doing great". If they ask about H I change the subject. Frankly; it is none of their business!
Come here and talk about your R, because here we understand and you will get the kind of support you need. My H has an OW. Don't let it bother you. Think of her as a sports car or some toy. When our H get bored with it, the thing will mean nothing!
Deb Had a great weekend, chatted with 3 of my friends here from the DB BB! And today I'm working on a flannel quilt, making 2 Apple pies, making apple butter, doing laundry! It's a fun, great day. Also went golfing Sat. with friends and D!
You're wonder woman today, apple pies! I love apple pie but haven't had a chance to bake any. H loves them to as does son.
PW is a really good friend and once I assured her I REALLY WAS okay she relaxed and we went onto her SITCH!! She's on the verge of an A herself!! She described the guy and his showing more and more interest her and on and on and I just didn't know what to say to her.
I can't believe you're 43 with grown children and her I am 45 with an almost 4 year old!
If you read my early morning post about conversation with H, I was kind of feeling anxious about OW, but it passed rather quickly. Now six months ago, I would have been in tears and just feeling awful, would have had a confrontation with H, but now it's soo different. Detaching, detaching, I'm at the point. I really didn't even want to talk to him this morning, but he kept calling me, even left a voicemail to call him--which he doesn't usually do!
You know the other thing my friend thought I should do is "put myself out there"? I said I don't want to put myself out there, if I did I'd be in the same sitch as my H is in. I could be very vunerable to an A of my own right now, but I wouldn't do that. I'd have to tell them right off the bat that I was married, but separated, and then I would be out there...does that make sense?
Okay, my H is calling me again, I have caller ID at work, but I'm not going to get it as I'm going to go to lunch now.
Hey I have a Grandson; who is almost 7 months! there is nothing wrong with having a late in life baby! Go girl!
Sending you the aromas of apple and cinnamon! LOL
Quote: I said I don't want to put myself out there, if I did I'd be in the same sitch as my H is in. I could be very vunerable to an A of my own right now, but I wouldn't do that.
I agree, I've had many chances to have an A, but choose not to; two wrongs don't make a right. And that is what I told a friend of mine! Plus I don't want to break my record; my H is the only man I've been with !
Seven months is such a cute age, too!. Sometimes people do think I'm son's grandmother, but I make sure they know I'm his mom!!
Just got off the phone with H. We talk about things, wants to know how PW and DW are doing? I said she wants to try but he's really mean to her lately. H says you mean just I am to you? And then brings up the conversation of me telling him not come back, that he's not welcome anymore. I said IF HE WAS GOING TO CALL ME NAMES. THEN H SAYS I didn't add that part when I told him to leave and not come back? I said it, I said it, you all believe me don't you? Why doesn't he believe me that I said "if he was going to call me names"to not come back. H doesn't even remember what name it was that he called, me he said "stupid or something" I said A$$**** The he tells me again I didn't say the part about calling me names so I just laughed. I don't want to argue about it.
Then comes the Monday morning question: what are we doing here? I say what do you mean? What are we doing, is this marriage saveable he asks me. I said yes it is...he says even after I've been living with her for six months?....I say yes, she's not the problem. He then said what is? I said I have to go I'm at work and it's really hard to talk right now. It is sooo quiet in here right now everybody can hear every word I'm saying....which is too bad becuase I think this conversation might have been going somewhere with H.
Anybody want to read between the lines of his question above?
To me, it meant he wants to come back and make it work, but is worried about me accepting him back after being with OW for six months.
So now what do I do? I don't know that he'll bring up the conversation again, so do I just continue to db?
I'm kind of feeling more positives than negatives about his question???
so many posts...he called me once again today. The funny thing is before I pick up the phone I know it's him..doodoodoodoodoodoo...and it's the first time it's happened either. A gf and I seem to have that weird connection going too...doodoodoodoo
He was in a very good mood. Wanted to know if I think about sex at all, I just kind of laughed I said I did now. H then said you didn't in the last four years, I said I was in a lull or something like that and that stuff like that happens. He does have sex on the brain lately.
He said do you want to make me supper tonight and then a roll in the sack of something like that. I just laughed again. H then asked what was for supper so I told him, H sounded like he was coming over tonight, but then said he had to go he was at work. Before he hung up I asked H if he WAS coming for supper, H said no, I said you can if you want to.
So why would he have three telephone conversations with me today, not to mention the couple of times that I didn't answer the phone?
I think things are going to be okay. I feel like I did when I played softball, you were winning the game, but then you had to be sure you didn't screw up before the end..you get that tense feeling in your stomach. It's your turn to bat and the ball comes in......AND YOU KEEP DBing!!!. I think we're half way or three quarters through the game.
Sorry, I've been busy and didn't check in before now!
Quote: To me, it meant he wants to come back and make it work, but is worried about me accepting him back after being with OW for six months.
That's how I see it too! Weird, he asking you about sex. My H said something to me, when that stange guy was in our home. He said,"Good thing you weren't naked" Why would he say that? I told him, I'm never naked anymore, how about you? He said, "once in a while". Was he feeling me out to see if I'm sleeping with someone, or is he just picturing me naked. I am 31 lbs lighter since Jan when the bomb dropped!uhm! Looks like our H's are both picking up interest!
Sounds very good for you, just keep DRing and take it slow. I seem to make the mistake of getting excited when I see baby steps and then I want to give H a little push, it doesn't work!
I told her I still wanted to make this marriage work, that I'm not ready to do anything yet. It's the third person thing that's bothering her the most, I told her I've been trying my hardest to put OW out of my mind. She wanted to know why! He's there with OW, if things aren't good with her H comes to me, if things are good with me he goes to OW, which I agreed I said he was having his cake and eating. I couldn't get her to understand why OW wasn't that important at this point, that she's a symptom of the problem and also a victim of this whole situation. Isn't it kind of like someone being an alcoholic, the person can't deal with their problems, so they drink, it's not the answer to their problems, but a sympton of their problem. So isn't this what OW is, also? Is it because she's a human being that people see this as something intolerable. Doesn't an alcoholic have hit rock bottom before they start to address their problems? I don't know it seems like OW and alcohol are kind of one and the same?
!
I think we're half way or three quarters through the game. 