Magnificent

[mishka422]

You all are so funny! I love the support I get from you all. CRACK UP!

Mom isn't doing any better, but she isn't any worse either. I've been sitting in her room for nearly 3 hours now waiting for her to come back from dialysis. They had her out for an MRI and a nuclear study early this morning so I think she has been in her room a grand total of 1 hour today. I'm not sure how long I'm going to make it tonight, but I defnitely have to stay until I make sure she eats dinner. Yes, there is a full medical staff but they are also taking care of an insane number of patients. She is in the acute care wing of the hospital. Not quite ICU, but one step down.

As far as Gabe, I just don't want to ask him to do anything. I mean really, he left partly because he didn't want the responsibility of taking care of anyone or anything. He flat out told me that my mom and all her needs were one of the reasons he just couldn't bear to be in our M anymore. How sad is that? I guess if his mother ever gets deathly ill and can't care for herself he's going to just let her end up in a state run institution so he doesn't have to disrupt his life. I asked him to take care of Marc last night only because Marc is his responsibility whether he likes it or not. Too freakin' bad if it disrupted his evening with the broom! Of course, he was only there with Marc until 7pm. I didn't get home from the hospital until 10:30pm. He had 'stuff to do' as he told Marc and just left him there.

Yes, Marc is nearly 15 and can mostly take care of himself. It's just never a good idea to leave a minor alone for that length of time, in the evening when he can get himself into a whole bunch of mischief. It makes me very nervous.

I'm going to take a little dive here people, I hope you will bear with me. I need to get some stuff out of my head. All this time sitting and waiting in a hospital filled with sick people that I hear moaning and crying is making me a little nuts.

There are no happy endings. Not really, just endings. People will make claims of love and caring but only in order to get what they want out of you. It's up to us whether we fall for it or not.

I loved fully and freely with the expectation that the love and support was going to be returned. When it wasn't any longer I woke up to realize that it never had really been there. It was an act. There was a time that I was blind to people's act, the masks they wear, the lies they tell. I was gullible and totally naive. Now that my eyes have been rudely opened, I just wish I could shut them again. I don't like seeing this in people. Someone will say something kind to me and my first thought is now, "yeah right. Like you really mean that! What do you want from me?" It makes me a little sick that my mind goes to that cynical place automatically now, but it's reality in far too many cases. Just sad.

In the end, we are all alone. In the end, it doesn't matter what we've done in our lives, who we've surrounded ourselves with, who we thought we loved. In the end we are set adrift by the very people we cared for and shared our souls with.

I told you it was a dive into the pit! I warned you! So, if you read the above and it depressed you, you knew it was coming.

So, the next goal? Just to get to tomorrow without getting myself tore up in the process.

Long term goal? Get healthy. What do I need to do in order to do that?

1)Make time for myself. Even 30 minutes to exercise would help.
2)Dump all non-healthy food from my home.
3)Follow the renal-patient eating plan to the letter.
4)Learn to ignore my inner voice that says it isn't worth it because I'm not worth it.
5)Stop focusing on living just for Marc and mom and find a way to want to live for me.

Yeah, they're going to be hard. But with help and support I think I can do it. I have friends who may be able to help if I can get the time.