Is this the end of my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep!

[P17]

Had a few setbacks today and a couple of conversations with friends. I have to be honest I haven't digested it yet and I'm also thinking of giving up now as I think the nails are in the coffin. I hope you guys can reassure me / encourage me to keep going but I do feel this may be the final end end of this whole thing.

Spoke to a friend of mine who has had a few conversations with my W over the last few weeks. She has told me:

1. When she asked me W it there was any chance of reconciliation between me and her she said 'no, never'.

2. She told my W to tell me about the OM as she couldn't have her cake and eat it too.

3. My MIL doesn't approve of what my W is doing and that she has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

4. My wife had discussed our financial problems with her - problems that were resolved just before she decided to leave.

I THEN had my D's mother call me. She has interfered and had a meeting with my W to offer her time with my D as I can't handle it!?!? She told me, when my W came around, that:

1. When asked if there was a chance me and my W would get back together she said 'no, never'.

2. My W and the boyfriend are together.

3. The boyfriend is looking for a job and is quitting smoking (after 32 years - my W is allergic to cigarette smoke).

4. My W and I split up as I said we would have to wait 3 years before having children (a lie, we had been trying for 9 months before she left!!?)

5. She is the happiest she has been in a long time.

6. She hopes the OM and her are a long term thing.

7. My W will never get married again (well she'll need to get divorced first!)

8. The last holiday we had was the last straw and that's when she decided she had had enough.

9. My D's mother said she did look happy and was laughing etc. while there. This sort of blows my theory out the window about her being deeply unhappy. I may have misread that one entirely and she's actually just deeply unhappy when with me.

10. She agreed that the time being spent with me and my D is awkward and uncomfortable.

11. My W hated the time she spent in her house on her own. Funnily enough I think that was also the time she was texting me a lot.

I'm mad at my D's mother for interfering but it's done now. She will go back and tell her that she will have to spend the time with me as already planned.

Not sure what to make of any of this but I do feel like giving up now and just accepting that it's over. Hhaving two different people tell you she said the same thing to them about not getting back together is putting that final nail in the coffin.

I am fairly certain that the relationship with the OM will not last but how much more hatred and kicks in the teeth can I take.

I don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but it's a lot to take in one day. I'm trying hard not to analyse it and just accept it for what it is. When her actions and words match up then we'll see but if my daughters mother did give her the time with my D on her own, I doubt I'd see or hear from my W again so in that case the words would match.

If I'm grabbing my balls I'd say keep the contact between my W, my D and me. Be engaging (as PDT says) and wait this one out until the OM disappears and then take it from there.

As I said, I think I maybe at the end of this and time for a reality check ... help, somebody?

Advice anybody? Help, pep talk ... anything ?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P,

I didn't even make it halfway thru your post, sorry. You can sum the entire thing up with:

"My wife things she's in love with OM, and is telling other people that. What should I do?"

NEWS FLASH: EVERY wayward spouse thinks they've found their soulmate. It's the LOOOOOVE chemicals talking.

Do this: Google "PEA love addiction brain", and do 30 minutes of reading. Then come back and tell us what you think.

Puppy

P.S. My wife said/did just about every one of the things you describe.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

P-
WHAT part of "don't believe anything they say" don't you understand??? ;-)

If you're hanging on every word she says to someone else, you are NOT focusing on yourself. Let it go.

BTW, the WAS will rewrite the history of the marriage to justify what they are doing. Be prepared for it.

[P17]

P,

I didn't even make it halfway thru your post, sorry. You can sum the entire thing up with:

"My wife things she's in love with OM, and is telling other people that. What should I do?"

NEWS FLASH: EVERY wayward spouse thinks they've found their soulmate. It's the LOOOOOVE chemicals talking.

Do this: Google "PEA love addiction brain", and do 30 minutes of reading. Then come back and tell us what you think.

Puppy

P.S. My wife said/did just about every one of the things you describe.

PDT,

I've been trying to refrain from replying to get emotions out of the way but it's not working as yet.

I've read about the PEA and it's quite clear what she's suffering from - the euphoria of the OM. Something I missed from my post last night is that my W said to my D's mother that the OM is the complete opposite of me. That is classic WAS behaviour.

I also read what I'm feeling just now and to recognise it as a chemical reaction which does make it a little easier.

I was also reading about obsessive love and people who are effected by this and use it to go from one relationship to another. I think this is my W. Probably a little of me is the obsessive bit at the moment although I think that's more natural than what she is feeling.

I just feel like giving up to be honest and just filing for D on the grounds of adultery to let me move on. No matter what I try, I simply cannot detach and that is the part that is hurting me the most. If I could detach from her I think things would be easier and I would just ride this out.

But I don't want to make any decisions today.

[P17]

P-
WHAT part of "don't believe anything they say" don't you understand??? ;-)

I do get it. If I'm honest it was the fact that my D's mother said she looked happy. But then that was probably just the OM fix.

If you're hanging on every word she says to someone else, you are NOT focusing on yourself. Let it go.

Trying hard to let go and it's just not working, if I'm honest.

BTW, the WAS will rewrite the history of the marriage to justify what they are doing. Be prepared for it.

I've noticed that. How many stories that are lies do I need to hear as to why we split in the first place.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But I don't want to make any decisions today.

That's probably best.

IS yours a "fault" state for divorce? CAN you file on the grounds of adultery? Not that you shouldn't still fight for your marriage -- I think you should (and that it's still salvageable) -- but it does change your leverage, and therefore your strategy and tactics.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If you're hanging on every word she says to someone else, you are NOT focusing on yourself. Let it go.

Trying hard to let go and it's just not working, if I'm honest.

P,

When we say "let it go," it DOESN'T mean you don't allow yourself to feel the sting. To do that is human, and it shows you still care, which is admirable. I assume you love your wife, very much.

"Let it go" means that you don't ACT on the sting -- you don't make DECISIONS from a place of being stung.

The stings never go away, I'll be honest. They'll LESSEN somewhat, but I don't think they ever go away. But you WILL learn to begin to operate from a more detached place, if you work at it.

Puppy

[dday101798]

Alright P, face the wall and on your knees, this 2x4 might just break over that thick head.

You DON'T get the concept you've reposted what 10 times in 2 days? "believe NOTHING they say and half of what they do" whether it be directly to you or through someone.

And, TRUST NO-ONE closely related to the situation, especially her family members and mutual friends. And what your D's mother said, umm HELLO, gathering of the hens!

Like puppy, I just about quit reading half way through that post. Quit the ho-hum crap. Easier said then done, I know, but if you're going to go around and wallow over every line of bullsh!t your W throws out there, then yeah you might as well file for D and propose to a blow-up doll.

Oh, and speaking of filing, good luck with "adultry" as grounds. YOU HAVE TO PROVE IT, which will just drag things along if and when it ever comes down to you filing, or your as your response to HER filing.

Now, as to what your W is saying: As others attest, this is all script, plain and simple and you are NOT the first H to be the biggest bag of cow manour that "deserved" to be cheated on. Get the F over it. Ask ANY LBH here and abroad, we're all "worthless and got what we deserved" in the begining stages. It's call VALIDATION to your W. She NEEDS this B/S to feel good about what she's doing. And guess what, the more you throw a pitty party in response to it, the MORE she will rub your nose in it and find you even more a pathetic loss and waste of the years "she lost in you".

I've heard this sh!t first hand, as well as many others who didn't heed the advise of NOT LISTENING to it.

My advise to you right now, call up some buddies and get the F out, TONIGHT! Get away from this. You are headed down a path of self destruction and most importantly, destroying ANY chance of R your M. BTW- I CAN say that with confidence becasue I WAS YOU. Do you want to be divorced? Do you want to find yourself stuck in life a year and a half later? I don't think so. And if you think the pain is bad now, keep this sh!t up, it gets worse, trust me.

You have GREAT in puppy, listen to it, HE GOT HIS W BACK! You also have mine, I DIDN'T. I'm certain I shall live out the rest of my days, along with my XW that we made a huge mistake. I am D'd and free to move on, but right now I can't because everytime I'm just about to, I'm looking over my shoulder for my XW to come back. DO YOU want that?

In summary, everything you hear right now is horessh!t to make your W look and feel okay for being with the troll that is OM. If you can't stand the fact she's with him now and can't let that go, get ready friend, a year and half later, it don't get no better (especially when the are to marry! oh yeah, I got that line of crap too that she "never would marry again").

Like I said, get out, tonight with company that WILL not converse this. I want to see a post by later on this afternoon as to what it is you'll be doing.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Trying hard to let go and it's just not working, if I'm honest.

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us."

Stephen R. Covey