Disclaimer: I pulled this off of Thinker's thread. The gender roles were reversed in the book, I changed them to meet my situation. I wonder if the theory still applies...

I have been reading through Stosny's "Love Without Hurt."

I found the whole book to be pretty interesting, but in the Appendix, I found a short gem...

"Unequal Investment of Love"

"...Happens when men marry women they don't really love, but who very much love them...This is a formula for disaster if he's also addicted to blame"

In essence, she loves him. He feels guilty for not loving her as much. His guilt becomes resentment. He blames her for everything and anything to explain away his guilt. His blame and guilt ride him and turn into criticism of her.


Stosny doesn't offer any real solutions except to offer the woman "I guess then you'll have to leave him" and to offer the man the advice to look for and try to heal the real sources of the guilt.
It is moot anyway, I know. But he has commented on how he has had these problems with me from the beginning.

And historically, we had big 'rifts' in

1995: After 3 years of dating, he said I felt like an 'obligation', not like he 'wanted' to spend time with me. He broke up w/me but then asked to get back together 6 weeks later when I went back to college for the fall and there was a chance I would be dating other people.

1997: He and I fought a lot as I was in college and he was off in Dallas for his job (he graduated a year before me). He broke off our engagement after I visited him on Spring break but then when I was back at school around other guys again, he wanted us back together. We got married that August after I graduated.

2000: After 2 1/2 yrs of marriage he cheated on me on his February trip to Tokyo with the stripper from Brazil. At one point tried to shift the blame to me as I had put on weight since we got married and he hadn't. (Incidentally we were in our fourth state--Idaho--in 2 1/2 yrs of marriage as he tried to find a job that made him 'happy')He moved to St. Louis 6 weeks later, back to his original job, b/c he didn't like the job in Bois. I stayed behind and worked on me, running, eating right, doing whatever I wanted to do for BBJ. By the time I got to St. Louis in June he wanted me back.

2002: October/November... We were living in Kansas (same job different locale) and he had a 7 week affair with a woman starting when our son was 5 weeks old... sick At one point tried to make it partially my fault b/c during the move (while I was 6 months pregnant), I was more focused on finding a house and getting settled then on supporting him in his new position as office manager. I gave him an ultimatum over Thanksgiving that he could not come back to our home (we were in IA visiting family) when we got back. He broke down crying and asked me to take him back...

2007: Two more moves later...Starting early spring he began his PA after starting an EA with ow from his office. Our D was 10 months old at the time it started and 18 months when I busted him...once again I had led him to it because I was not supportive of buying family farm after his Grandma died in Dec. 2006

OK maybe I should just print this out to remind myself why we are getting a divorce??? wink I guess I wrote this out just for my own reflection. I told myself we had a great relationship most of the time but in hindsight, obv. not...maybe it is more amazing that he stuck around as long as he did if he wasn't really in love with me. And pathetic that I stuck around as long as I did because I really WAS in love with him.

Last edited by BobbiJo; 10/22/09 07:54 PM.
Me-35

Together: 18 yrs
M-12.5 yrs
S-8
D-4
D'd: Feb. 2010

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save. --Zeph. 3:17