Disclaimer: I pulled this off of Thinker's thread. The gender roles were reversed in the book, I changed them to meet my situation. I wonder if the theory still applies...
I have been reading through Stosny's "Love Without Hurt."
I found the whole book to be pretty interesting, but in the Appendix, I found a short gem...
"Unequal Investment of Love"
"...Happens when men marry women they don't really love, but who very much love them...This is a formula for disaster if he's also addicted to blame"
In essence, she loves him. He feels guilty for not loving her as much. His guilt becomes resentment. He blames her for everything and anything to explain away his guilt. His blame and guilt ride him and turn into criticism of her.
Stosny doesn't offer any real solutions except to offer the woman "I guess then you'll have to leave him" and to offer the man the advice to look for and try to heal the real sources of the guilt. It is moot anyway, I know. But he has commented on how he has had these problems with me from the beginning.
And historically, we had big 'rifts' in
1995: After 3 years of dating, he said I felt like an 'obligation', not like he 'wanted' to spend time with me. He broke up w/me but then asked to get back together 6 weeks later when I went back to college for the fall and there was a chance I would be dating other people.
1997: He and I fought a lot as I was in college and he was off in Dallas for his job (he graduated a year before me). He broke off our engagement after I visited him on Spring break but then when I was back at school around other guys again, he wanted us back together. We got married that August after I graduated.
2000: After 2 1/2 yrs of marriage he cheated on me on his February trip to Tokyo with the stripper from Brazil. At one point tried to shift the blame to me as I had put on weight since we got married and he hadn't. (Incidentally we were in our fourth state--Idaho--in 2 1/2 yrs of marriage as he tried to find a job that made him 'happy')He moved to St. Louis 6 weeks later, back to his original job, b/c he didn't like the job in Bois. I stayed behind and worked on me, running, eating right, doing whatever I wanted to do for BBJ. By the time I got to St. Louis in June he wanted me back.
2002: October/November... We were living in Kansas (same job different locale) and he had a 7 week affair with a woman starting when our son was 5 weeks old... At one point tried to make it partially my fault b/c during the move (while I was 6 months pregnant), I was more focused on finding a house and getting settled then on supporting him in his new position as office manager. I gave him an ultimatum over Thanksgiving that he could not come back to our home (we were in IA visiting family) when we got back. He broke down crying and asked me to take him back...
2007: Two more moves later...Starting early spring he began his PA after starting an EA with ow from his office. Our D was 10 months old at the time it started and 18 months when I busted him...once again I had led him to it because I was not supportive of buying family farm after his Grandma died in Dec. 2006
OK maybe I should just print this out to remind myself why we are getting a divorce??? I guess I wrote this out just for my own reflection. I told myself we had a great relationship most of the time but in hindsight, obv. not...maybe it is more amazing that he stuck around as long as he did if he wasn't really in love with me. And pathetic that I stuck around as long as I did because I really WAS in love with him.
Bbj, looking at the history, it reminded me of what I have read many many times: when cheating is a trait, a behaviour, people need A LOT of work to change, if they ever do. You do realise it's his "normal", right?
Make use of the time he is away to calm down and strengthen yourself. xxx K
I read your post last night, reread it this morning.....are you a saint? Are you applying for sainthood? Saint BBJ...I am sure you qualify. I don't know how to say this but perhaps the fact that he has been the only man in your life is what is keeping you from doing what you should do (quite honestly should have done a long long time ago). Are you seeing anyone professionaly BBJ? I think you need to speak to someone....
BBJ that is over a decade of bullsh!t and those are the ladies you know of! That is not normal behaviour...why don't you write a list of Dan's good qualities to try to balance that list so I can understand what this person who says he wants out of the marriage has to offer.....because I do not see it.
I am sorry...you probably do not need to hear this but for some reason that list got to me ...... and I am holding back.....especially when you are hypothesizing that he never really loved you?????
I would like to think that he loved me very much, but was/is just a weak, flawed man. I think it is not so much that he didn't love me, but he didn't love me enough. He knew just how much I loved him, that I loved him unconditionally and always would. And I think he knew he would never have that kind of love for me, the kind that comes with unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, etc etc.
So he is probably doing me a favor, really. If he cannot/will not be the kind of man that a husband should be, then he shouldn't be a husband. Of course, he should have been honest with himself and me years ago if that is the case and saved us all this drama and pain.
The list is just pathetic, isn't it? If I have time later I will try to give you his 'good list' because there is one, or at least there was one.
And the funny thing is, I am not trying to drown myself in the tub, so to speak. I can read that list and not even feel like crying. For some reason, I feel clinical about everything suddenly.
Just the past couple days I feel like some sort of veil has lifted and I see things for what they are,not how I wish they were or hope they were. And I am feeling....ok with that.?. Almost like an outside observer looking back at my life. Weird.
"Of course, he should have been honest with himself and me years ago if that is the case and saved us all this drama and pain."
Maybe you should have been honest with yourself as well? But..... that was then and this is NOW. I am glad that the clinical side is taking over ... I am sorry BBJ .... really I am. Don't worry about the list BBJ....my mind was made up a long time ago...with that closet post.....after that, all the other "evidence" is just pilling on.
Hope you have a nice weekend BBJ and take some time for yourself....go out with that guy.....run with him or have a coffee or whatever....it will do you some good.
I would like to think that he loved me very much, but was/is just a weak, flawed man. I think it is not so much that he didn't love me, but he didn't love me enough. He knew just how much I loved him, that I loved him unconditionally and always would. And I think he knew he would never have that kind of love for me, the kind that comes with unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, etc etc.
BBJ-Dan has no idea what Love is and he never will..
I'll keep trying with music...
Cherry Holmes-You Don't Know What Love Is
You don't know what love is
You think that it's a toy
A pretty little game played by a girl and boy
You won't talk about it
You don't even care
And you just take for granted I'll always be there
Chorus
You play, you stay away from anything that might be real
You talk and then you walk
I pray someday you'll know how bad it feels
You don't know what love is
You don't know what love is
You think that it's a game
And you don't even think about the pleasure or the pain
Answers to the questions
You don't stop to find
And it doesn't really matter what you leave behind
John-- Ouch! But true...I am stubborn/willful and believe in 'ever after' so I refused to believe we were 'done' despite things H did. Putting them in chronological order in black/white put things in perspective. He pretended he could commit and I pretended I believed he could, to a certain extent...
Mike--Good song, once again. Don't I get points for at least acknowledging that my M is gone, and still choosing to be positive??
You get points for being BBJ! You are doing, and have done, what you thought was right, at every juncture. You have shown forgiveness, love, compassion....
And still, he has rejected you. I know it's been said before, but he is broken. Looking at it in black and white, he is very broken, and has been for a long time. He didn't know how to love you, and never wanted to find out. On top of being weak and flawed, like the rest of us, he was selfish.
Get him served, and move forward with your life! In a dream, he would wake up. The evidence would suggest that in real life, not so much.
Mike--Good song, once again. Don't I get points for at least acknowledging that my M is gone, and still choosing to be positive??
Gosh, you mean they give points for this??
I think you get points for being able to move forward.
I think you get points if you can get through this with your sanity intact.
I think you get points if your kids get through this OK..
I think you get points when you detach..
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with all my points..i'm hoping someone will open a store somewhere where I can trade all my points in like S&H Green Stampsthat's an old school reference...anybody remember S&H Green stamps??
At one point tried to make it partially my fault b/c during the move (while I was 6 months pregnant), I was more focused on finding a house and getting settled then on supporting him in his new position as office manager. I gave him an ultimatum over Thanksgiving that he could not come back to our home (we were in IA visiting family) when we got back. He broke down crying and asked me to take him back...
I guess I wrote this out just for my own reflection. I told myself we had a great relationship most of the time but in hindsight, obv. not...maybe it is more amazing that he stuck around as long as he did if he wasn't really in love with me. And pathetic that I stuck around as long as I did because I really WAS in love with him.