Yes, I consider myself piecing now, but since I have hung out in mlc so long, I think I will stay over there -- Lots of friends! I'll keep trying to pop over though!
Quote: Does anyone here remember or thought they felt when things were changing and that it was shortly before Spouse decided to come back? Or am I just strange?
I posted this earlier, did you feel this way before your H decided to come back?
Last night I was thinking about you all and it dawned on me that I finally feel comfortable here! It's like when I first meet a person, I'm not sure how much I can reveal of myself, I have to sort of feel that person out first, know who they really are before I put too much of myself out there.
So to all my friends here and I believe if I knew each and everyone of you personally we would be friends, thank you all for your support and for holding me up when I thought it was all going to H***!! I'm doing okay, I seriously don't know where this R would be without this bb!!!
It's a beautiful day here! H is in the Northwoods this weekend and do I envy him! It's bringing back memories of when him and I used to go up for the weekend or spend time up there!
I miss doing that, can I tell him that when I see him again? Or should I just not say anything?
The things I wanted out of life were very simple things: to be married, have a child or two, work at my job, retire someplace warm in the winter, have a cabin in the northwoods and that's about it..the sad thing is I never shared this vision with my H this.
There is so much I didn't share with my H, I know it's too late now, but how selfish was I? To not be able to share my most intimate, personal feelings with the man I'm married too...well looking back it was all wrong and I should have trusted him more, should have opened up and I couldn't do that. I wanted him to be the one to open up to me to draw me out, but he couldn't that either. I'm learning that if I relax, if I be myself, if I let H be himself, than maybe we can have that openness, to be able to communicate more freely without taking everything H says personally or making it all about me...
Maybe it's my ephiphany or however you spell it, everything is making so much more sense these days. If I wouldn't have been so selfish maybe H wouldn't have been so selfish, i.e., his need to go on expensive hunting trips, him saying he wasn't important, if I would have just made him feel more important in my life rather than just somebody who was there in case I didn't have something better to do....I was selfish. My priorities were totally mixed up. I know I accused H of me being at the bottom of his list of priorities, well now I know why he accused me of putting him at the bottom of my list of priorities, finally I'm getting it
This probably isn't making sense to a lot of you out there, but needed to get it down for me today. H is still on his journey and I am still on my journey. Hopefully, H and I will meet up at the end...no, we will meet up at the end!!
Gosh, I need to post a few things. First, a couple days ago I posted to you:
Quote: I'm sorry to hear that you felt frustrated over in the mlc forum. Some times it is very depressing over there!
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS: That yes, there is a lot of sadness in mlc, but, I am absolutely glad that I found the mlc forum! I don't think I could have made it without everyone there. There were times when I was so down, and I came to the bb, and so many people seemed down that sometimes it did not seem like I was going to make it, pma wise. BUT I THANK GOD that it is the forum that I found -- I have learned so much about mlc, about my h's journey, and in turn, have learned so much about me, who I am, and what is important in life. I learned to understand dealing with an mlc spouse, and understand the emotional rollercoaster we ride, and understand when we cry about our friends who tell us to "move on" because they can't understand why we are still watching the RAS and have not yet "divorced the bum!". It was there that someone came and helped me feel better, and helped my pma because everyone understood! Anyway, I just wanted to add this because I was afraid that people over here might think I was bashing the mlc forum.
Now having said that, I have no doubt that there are great, great people over here, too. Obviously, with the number of people that post to you, everyone here, too, supports everyone! You appear to be doing well too! Such a community Michele's forums have brought together. And I hope in posting what I have, that someone doesn't think I am bashing the Piecing forum!!! I'm not! And Shiny posted to me over there, too -- Thanks Shiny!
Anyway, Cathy, you asked me a question earlier.
Quote: Did you remember or thought you felt when things were changing and that it was shortly before Spouse decided to come back? Or am I just strange? I posted this earlier, did you feel this way before your H decided to come back?
I did actually post a reply to you yesterday, but I posted it just as the bb went down and somehow my reply got lost.
I remember feeling the change in July -- it was actually when I was on my 2.5 wk holiday with my kids. H seemed different on the cel. I began to notice an awful lot of "inswings" towards the marriage. Up to this point, they seemed to only occur at the time of the full moon (weird, eh?). I "knew" the tides were changing, but when I returned from holidays, almost immediately h took children with him and OW on 10 day holiday to farm (the details are in my earlier thread -- it really upset me). Needless to say, I figured that I must have read the situation wrong. However, while they were away, h called me one morning at 4 a.m. and we chatted. That phone call confirmed that I was not crazy, though I had no idea how long his journey to exit the tunnel would take. As it turned out, the rest of the summer he was on an "inswing" almost all the time -- I kept very clear track of it in my daytimer. At the end of the summer, on Sept long weekend, my h hit rock bottom, and I found out shortly after that. It was then that I "knew" it was only a matter of time.
I am still pretty cautious talking about it, because as you well know, these mlcers can do strange things. But I am very, very convinced that he has existed the tunnel, is out of replay, and is in the last stages. Hopefully his full journey through them will not take too long, or atleast, hopefully I won't go crazy !
Quote: ! H is in the Northwoods this weekend and do I envy him! It's bringing back memories of when him and I used to go up for the weekend or spend time up there! I miss doing that, can I tell him that when I see him again? Or should I just not say anything?
Hmmm, here is my opinion. If it comes up in conversation, perhaps say "Oh, yeah, the Northwoods has great memories for me..." but not "I miss spending time with you in the Northwoods." I would just avoid saying something that he might see as relationship pressure. But having said that, you know your h best, and you probably know what he is capable of hearing right now.
Quote: There is so much I didn't share with my H, I know it's too late now, but how selfish was I? To not be able to share my most intimate, personal feelings with the man I'm married too...well looking back it was all wrong and I should have trusted him more, should have opened up and I couldn't do that. I wanted him to be the one to open up to me to draw me out, but he couldn't that either. I'm learning that if I relax, if I be myself, if I let H be himself, than maybe we can have that openness, to be able to communicate more freely without taking everything H says personally or making it all about me...
We all make mistakes, Cathy. I certainly did not appreciate how much my h meant to me until after he walked out. Don't beat yourself up about it. This midlife crisis is more about him; This may sound really weird, but I am in a way thankful that it happened. It gave me the opportunity to evaluate my life and what is important, and it sure helped me to grow as a person. I really wish that I could have learned the things I learned in a different way, but honestly, I'm not sure that is possible. As hard as this has been, I learned a lot because of it that I know I could not have learned otherwise.
Make sense? Anyway, nothing is too late. Continue to stay with your gut instinct that h will be back. If your gut says so, then I believe your gut is correct! The power of postitive thinking!!!!
Quote: This probably isn't making sense to a lot of you out there, but needed to get it down for me today. H is still on his journey and I am still on my journey. Hopefully, H and I will meet up at the end...no, we will meet up at the end!!
I understand! If you believe you will meet together, than you will! I agree with annette! Listen to your gut!
Quote: There is so much I didn't share with my H, I know it's too late now, but how selfish was I? To not be able to share my most intimate, personal feelings with the man I'm married too...well looking back it was all wrong and I should have trusted him more, should have opened up and I couldn't do that. I wanted him to be the one to open up to me to draw me out, but he couldn't that either. I'm learning that if I relax, if I be myself, if I let H be himself, than maybe we can have that openness, to be able to communicate more freely without taking everything H says personally or making it all about me...
Oh my gosh! that is me to a T! For years my H would say that sometimes I am like I'm in a shell and I only open it up so far so he could never see the real me.
I know that I did that and one other thing I have realized that I did a lot was use that "shell" to get attention from him. If I was mad or upset, I would go into my shell and then he would come after me asking what was wrong.
Why couldn't I just be up front and say it??
I guess these are the lessons we are meant to learn during this process.
And I thought your post made perfect sense! esepcially the part about NO WE WILL MEET UP IN THE END!!
And, I hope you didn't think I was bashing the MLC forum, either. Support is every where on this board!!
Quote: I remember feeling the change in July -- it was actually when I was on my 2.5 wk holiday with my kids. H seemed different on the cel. I began to notice an awful lot of "inswings" towards the marriage. Up to this point, they seemed to only occur at the time of the full moon (weird, eh?) not weird at all as last week was a full moon and also a month ago when H poked out..hmmmm . I "knew" the tides were changing, but when I returned from holidays, almost immediately h took children with him and OW on 10 day holiday to farm (the details are in my earlier thread -- it really upset me). Needless to say, I figured that I must have read the situation wrong. However, while they were away, h called me one morning at 4 a.m. and we chatted. That phone call confirmed that I was not crazy, though I had no idea how long his journey to exit the tunnel would take. As it turned out, the rest of the summer he was on an "inswing" almost all the time -- I kept very clear track of it in my daytimer. At the end of the summer, on Sept long weekend, my h hit rock bottom, and I found out shortly after that. It was then that I "knew" so it's just not me ,something is happening, I'm going with that feeling it was only a matter of time.
Okay, I guess, once again I was looking for an ANSWER to my question and it has been more or less answered. That it's a slow process and what I am seeing is him coming out of the tunnel and that the OW isn't going to just disappear overnight.
Quote: Continue to stay with your gut instinct that h will be back. If your gut says so, then I believe your gut is correct!
Yes I've always believed in "gut" feelings. My "gut" feelings have always worked in my favor as far as getting the great jobs that I have had!!! I just recently checked out a book from the library on the subject of intiution, also.
Right now I am totally back off from H. I don't call him unless absolutely necessary, he doesn't call me everyday like he used to either. I am giving him space and time to come through and out of his tunnel.
Preachy? I'll take this kind of preaching any day!!
