R2C - I know that you're exactly dead right on with the counter-intuitive stuff. What led me on my journey to discovering DB in the first place was another website I had found on saving your marriage. It said to agree completely with the person walking away. And start GALing. So that night, (8/21) I went to H and told him just that, that I agree that we will both be better off individually. He was right about things going wrong for a long time. I was excited for my future on my own, etc. Then went to bed. Next morning (8/22) was the day he broke down (first time he had/has since the Bomb) showed emotion, we ML, and then H tried for the week after that to reconnect with me - asked me to a movie, texted me, etc. I was so shocked by his immediate reaction that I thought he was under some kind of jedi mind trick or something. But then he continued texting/talking to OW on phone which I wasn't prepared for. So one morning I sent him a voicemail saying that "We are both moving on with our lives which is a good thing and that I didn't want to give him the wrong impression by accepting his invitation earlier in the week nor did I want him to think I was getting the wrong impression from him in regards to us getting back together." I thought this was counter-intuitive at the time, but I also hadn't read or discovered DBing yet. I'm sure that's where I messd up though because that was the last time, outside of my surgery weekend 3 weeks ago (where there were 2 kisses on the check and forehead and he slept in my room in bed with me albeit with a pillow in between us), that he reached out like that and then since labor day weekend has started spending even more time with OW.
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 10/20/0901:11 AM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Last night H came home as I was finishing making dinner in kitchen. I made conscientious decision prior that I would NOT venture into the garage at all during the course of the evening, as I was sure OW's car was back. H sat down at bar and started his usual ritual of chatting with me. Last night, I changed my tone to happy with myself, looking good, smelling good, and friendly, but busy, not giving him as much eye contact and not as much enthusiasm and interest from me to his conversation. He seemed to notice and retreated to the office after a little while, but then came back a couple times to say something else and then to show me something.
Let H make his own dinner plate and I went to living room with tv to eat and H followed. Little later, H's gym friend/co-worker came over and I made the friend a dinner plate and hung out in kitchen to be more chatty and flirty-friendly with the friend. I'm taking full advantage to put my best foot forward with any friends like this, figure it can't hurt.
When H got home from gym, he came to my room and asked if I wanted to go to hot tub with him. I was wrapped up in what I was doing and he kinda startled me so I just said a quick "Yeah in a little while." before thinking of what I should have planned to say. I didn't think far enough ahead earlier in the evening to plan what to say should that scenario have come up. After I said yes though, I did think in my head that no, I wasn't going to go anyways. Night went on and I was still busy and he never came back to get me and didnt go himself and I never went back to say I wasn't going to go. Eventually just closed bedroom door and went to bed with him in living room watching tv.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
R2C - It felt great flirting. H was right there and it's fun knowing that he would be the object of that attention if he would let me. But since he won't accept that from me right now, I'll shower it upon someone else while he has to watch.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Tuesday evening - It was a little late in the evening and I got a picture text from H of his brother's new kitten that H had told me about on Monday. I didn't respond and wasn't sure if H would be home that night. H did get home a little later. I didn't make dinner so he had to make his own. H came to my room and asked me where my phone was. Told him I saw the text and yes, kitten was cute. H then got another picture text from his Bro and came back in to show me and then told me what else Bro had to say from his texts.
I stayed in my room for the evening except for once when I went to get some water and H stopped me to say "Oh you've got to watch this" and rewinded TV, I stood there and watched and turned to look at him to ask him a question and caught him in a full "already watching me/checking me out" look that he was in. Said good-night and stayed in my room for rest of night. H slept on couch which he hasn't done in forever.
Yesterday - I get a picture text in the morning from H of H's bro with kitten and "I know I already showed this to you, but it's just so d**n cute." (Hmmm? - We had our two kitties for 14 years together and had to put them both sleep within the last year and he knows how much I miss them, and I know he misses them too. They were always a source of close connection for us because they were our babies. Thinking this was sort of an emotional reach out?) I waited until mid-afternoon to respond with "Yep - adorable".
More of the usual, H came home and I was starting dinner. I had friendly face, looking/smelling good, but more reserved. Let him do the chatting. While I was in kitchen something a little different happened though, his proximity to me physically kept coming closer and closer. At one point, it almost felt like he was going to come up behind me and put his arms around me. Maybe it was only that his demeanor was just more natural and not as "happy and right as rain" as he has been so intent on projecting, but there was definitely more of an electricity in the air that I felt from him. I just played cool and kept my distance. H also asked if I was going to the gym, which I told him "yes" as I had already been planning to regardless of his plans. H eats in living room and I eat at dining room table.
Here's where it gets interesting. H is in living room watching tv and I am in kitchen cleaning up from dinner. H's phone rings and he STAYS in living room to talk. I'm getting annoyed inside because he already stated before that he will continue to take all his calls outside of my presence by going in his bedroom or out in garage. He was taking no steps to do that and I was pretty sure by his tone of voice that it was OW. I went to get gym clothes on and came back to kitchen to grab a few things before I left. H had changed into his gym clothes and was still on phone, walked past me (I could hear female voice) and mouthed to me "Do you want to ride with me?" I did my best to have friendly face and just said "No, that's ok." H looked at me with puzzled look "No?" I again said "No, it's ok." and went out the front door, not through the garage. (I had noticed earlier that H's truck keys were still missing from his key ring and so he must still have the other car.) As I was getting in my car in the driveway, H already had the garage door raised forcing me to see the other car. H was still on the phone but made full eye contact with me as I was pulling out of driveway before H got into this other car.
I drive myself to gym, pull into parking space. I am out of car about to start walking to entrance and H pulls into space right next to mine. H rolls down window and while still in car says "Come here. I know what you're thinking, please come here." I glance at him and can CLEARLY see this is a female's car and just said, "No, you can come here if you want." H "Ok." As we are walking into gym - H - "I know what you're thinking, I can see the look on your face and it's not what you're thinking. Let me explain." AFG - "You don't have to explain anything to me. Your world is your world and I am just living my life now as well." H - "No, your whole attitude changed when I was on the phone at the house and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. This is just a friend's car from (city). It was out of warranty and I am doing a favor for them. I pulled a few strings at work and am getting the part to have it fixed covered and the person called me to check on the status is all." AFG friendly and smiling - "Well, that was nice of you to do. You don't have to explain anything to me though, I just know my own boundaries." H - "No, I don't want to make you uncomfortable and I could tell that you were because you went out the front door at the house and wouldn't ride with me." AFG - "Thank you, I appreciate it." H - "You're funny. You think that I would do that to you and put something like that right in your face. You know me better than that." I didn't say another word, just continued smiling while thinking to myself no, I really don't know you at all right now.
I left gym before H. When H got home he came to my room "Wanna go to hot tub?" I said sure. On our walk there H says "I opened my mouth at a party just trying to be friendly to a person when they said what kind of car they had and problem with it. I mentioned that is the dealership I work at and could help them if they wanted. I figured that would be that and it would be forgotten. Apparently they didn't and called me about it. So, I'm just trying to help them out. (In annoyed tone) I hope this part gets in soon so I can get my truck back." AFG - "Well, that was really nice and generous of you."
In hot tub, H - "Well, you can definitely tell you've lost weight. You're getting your naturally curvy self back. I told you all that time ago you just have to get active and start eating better and look that's what you're doing and it's coming right off. Don't you feel better?" AFG - "I feel GREAT! Everyone I encounter tells me how good I look and that I look like a completely different person. I even ran into someone at the grocery store the other and he told me that "I was gorgeous". H - "Who was that?" AFG - "Someone I used to work with."
Back at home, I didn't go out and watch tv with H, just said good-night and went to bed. H slept out on couch in living room again.
One other funny thing - I had some lingerie on top of washer to wash (just to mess with his mind a little, might give the appearance that i "might" have some reason to be wearing something like that) and I know H saw it because he had to walk by it a few times. This morning out on the kitchen table where his two baskets of laundry is was a pair of boxers that I had seen previously when I folded his laundry couple weeks ago and I assume OW bought for him. They were the only thing pulled out sitting there all by themselves. Just seemed a little peculiar. I don't know, like a tit for tat kind of thing?, lol.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Definitely tit-for-tat, but don't worry about it. You're "tatting" FAR better than he's "titting," baby.
btw, NICE, NICE JOB on the whole exchange and evening. Perfectly done, imho. I was starting to think, as I read, "up until the hot-tub part, which I wouldn't have done," but after I saw how you handled it, I think it only added to the GAL/act-as-if/I'm-doing-surprisingly-well persona you're pulling off so well.
