I bet when you start talking about these things she will become bitter and make you try to carry even more; "You're doing this to me." Don't buy it. Remind her you did the work.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I bet when you start talking about these things she will become bitter and make you try to carry even more; "You're doing this to me." Don't buy it. Remind her you did the work.
Two authors, in a "meta-study" (that is, a study of hundreds of studies), put it this way:
Quote:
children who adapted most successfully were on the whole intelligent, attractive, and more skilled socially and in sporting activities, and they achieved well in school...The children who were doing poorly had a history of problems: disturbed peer relations, speech and learning disability, were overweight, and so on
* it is not clear that the effects of divorce are not unlike the effects of any other trauma or disequilibrium suffered during childhood, so the relevant concept might be insulating children from trauma generally and not divorce specifically
Would imply the question is more "how would MY children do?" Can they carry one more brick in their little cart of troubles? Are they overloaded already?
Still noodling the antecedent preconditions portion. Something doesn't sit right.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
So a lot to think about and very little in the way of robust data on which to make decisions. But what about the elusive Middle Ground or Third Way? Is there an intermediate stage for the Thinkers? Separation? Or is that too cost-prohibitive?
Agree. Thinker, you seem a little "intense" lately. Lots of questions and posts from you. There's been a lot of dust kicked up lately. A month or two away by yourself might give some clarity. (Vacation, sabatical, remote assignment, volunteer work, etc.)
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Thinker, you seem a little "intense" lately. Lots of questions and posts from you. There's been a lot of dust kicked up lately. A month or two away by yourself might give some clarity. (Vacation, sabatical, remote assignment, volunteer work, etc.)
Hi All,
I agree with the idea of the separation, but these ideas - me taking a sabatical, a remote assignment, etc, just won't work.
They all put me in the position of moving out while continuing to carry the full financial support and responsibility.
Big discussions in the thinker household last night. I'll post more later.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
mr: It's a one-way ticket. I thought we could use a little time apart. I earn the cash around here so I can't leave but I thought you might enjoy a little time in Bangladesh setting up a sewage system in an impoverished village. You leave tomorrow morning.
mrs: Whaa..?
mr: Your tetanus shots are up-to-date right? Sleep tight. It's a long flight.
---
Ok, I'm just having a little fun here. But you both sound like you're under a lot of pressure. Take some time. (The O'dog is looking into time out too).
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
mr: It's a one-way ticket. I thought we could use a little time apart. I earn the cash around here so I can't leave but I thought you might enjoy a little time in Bangladesh setting up a sewage system in an impoverished village. You leave tomorrow morning.
mrs: Whaa..?
mr: Your tetanus shots are up-to-date right? Sleep tight. It's a long flight.
---
Ok, I'm just having a little fun here. But you both sound like you're under a lot of pressure. Take some time. (The O'dog is looking into time out too).
Well Thinker my man, it sounds to me like you already know the answer.
While it is in fact the case that 50% custody doesn't HAVE to mean you miss out on half the kids' things, if it is your sincere contention that you want to be around the kids 100% of the time, then in a strict cost-benefit calculus if the benefit to you of 100% kid-time is 1 something (utile, whatever) more valuable than the cost of Limboland, then stay in Limboland, focus all your energy on the kids, and - if you'll excuse the somewhat misappropriated word here - DECIDE.
The kids dont need to know if their parents are conjugal and at some point wont want to know. And so long as you derive the kidly payoff it is a fair bargain - a good compromise.
Unfortunately, being in an R with someone who is emotionally unavailable has a negative utile value, and the situation itself is inherently unstable, so...
Last night in a big discussion, Mrs. T. refused to attend further Retro sessions or anything else which similarly pressured her into working on the R.
I calmly responded by saying that we should then begin the process of initiating D.
Today I called a mediator. I also finalized a deal which get's me out of the home office and back into a company office as of Monday.
Mrs. T isn't happy about the sitch - accusing me of rushing into a D, etc.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
