Thought I was over this

[K4D]

I would say keep standing firm on your boundaries. It is one thing to let her come over and help out with you as that only benefits you in her getting to see you in action. But her just taking the kids without you around doesn't benefit you at all. And plus by you not allowing her to take the kids to school on your time, it shows her you do have boundaries and she will respect you more for it.

Kevin

[C-Bart]

That makes sense and I'm able to hold those boundaries when necessary.

The real issue is the fact that I told her flat out that I did not want to be her friend at this time all things considered. She respected this for about a week while I was out of town. Didn't try and contact me via phone or text. Basically gave me the room I needed. Now that I'm back she is back to calling three-five times a day some times to talk about the kids other times just to chit chat. Even when she calls about the kids its very trivial.

I'm not sure if this is her way of trying to work things out. This would be in keeping with how we normally would function. Ignore the issues and talk about some else. I know this is not the way to a successful relationship.

My guess is that if I push her she will retreat.

[K4D]

If she is calling you to chit chat, that is a positive sign I think. My W does not call to chit chat. I wish she would. That gives you a chance to shine every time she calls. What I would do is just not answer every time she calls. Delay sometimes. It keeps her wondering what you are up to.

She wouldn't be calling to chit chat if she had no interest in you.

Kevin

[C-Bart]

So in other words. Let it go. Look for boundaries in other areas. Look at the time spent with her as good. Back to the whole affirmation of her and letting her know she is safe.

I am relationally challenged.

[Gardener]

C-Bart

So in other words. Let it go. Look for boundaries in other areas. Look at the time spent with her as good. Back to the whole affirmation of her and letting her know she is safe.

I am relationally challenged.

Yeah, I'd let it go. You seem to be doing well with boundaries in other areas. If she's calling to chit chat, I wouldn't necessarily look at it as avoiding issues and talking trivia which sounds like a pattern in the past (though it certainly well could be).

I'd suggest taking her calling to chit chat as just calling to chit chat. A good sign? She's still connected? She's trying? Maybe. Maybe not, but either way, certainly not bad.

Just don't take every call or let her hijack or monopolize your time. You know the drill. Take some calls. Answer others later. Say fewer words than she. End the calls first.

[C-Bart]

Thanks guys. I think I'm doing all this at a sub-conscious level now; ignoring some calls, saying fewer words, etc.

BTW D court date is moving back again. Looks like Jan-Feb time frame.

I keep asking myself how much longer I can take this. Then realize I asked for more time. Better get off my a$$ and be productive with the time.

[K4D]

BTW D court date is moving back again. Looks like Jan-Feb time frame.

Prayer answered.

I keep asking myself how much longer I can take this. Then realize I asked for more time. Better get off my a$$ and be productive with the time.

Yup.

Kevin

[ClingingToHope]

C-Bart, I was wondering how you were doing.

[ClingingToHope]

I think I'm the only person on this forum who's W really is better off without them. She seems happy and carefree. She is in control and that makes her happy. She calls whenever she needs something or if she wants to give me directions about the kids. If I appear to be happy she is quick to dismiss me and to get off the phone or change the subject. She always has her guard up as to not say anything that may appear to give me hope. She loves to tell me about any conversation she has with other men.

Sorry I missed this as well. I'm in the same spot. When W calls she has this happy tone and when she responds to my texts she tosses in a joke -- although it seems forced.

My W also tries not to do or say anything to give me hope.

On the flip side, she doesn't say anything about other men. Instead, she tends to try to work in comments about the girl friends she's going out with. This past Saturday, it was a twice divorced friend of hers to a bar owned by a friend of mine. She said a couple of my friends there were mean to her.

I try to keep in mind that in my case, I'm still very early in the game -- just five months out of the house -- and only three months in my own apartment where I could take the kids and she could be single.

So she's had six free weekends. I know she's gone out at least three times -- perhaps it's more. I don't really know. I just hope I get to a point where I don't care anymore.

I've seen on these threads that you should only believe 50 percent of what a WAS says. You and I are trying to put on brave fronts, it's possible they are putting on brave fronts.

Afterall, this was their idea and to admit they were wrong is going to be awfully, awfully hard. The research shows divorce is harder on women than men -- although I don't wish her to fall apart, that gives me a bit of peace.

It still just feels so weird, having to worry so much about how you act or filling your time when you don't have the kids or wondering what W is thinking or feeling.

It's Thursday, the end of my normal time, Friday begins the "must GAL, must GAL" pressure.

I'm glad I'm not in your line -- sales. I'm a salaried newspaper writer. They pay me no matter how productive -- or unproductice -- I am.

[C-Bart]

Not bad today. I spent the afternoon with my W doing school conferences. Its been a rough week for her and has drudged up a ton of guilt. She's feeling guilty about homework not getting done, kids being sick, etc. etc. I never realized how bad she is struggling. That doesn't translate to anything other than guilt. She has no incentive to take action. My hope is she will get some help working through her issues. She was seeing an IC before but that ended as soon as she figured out I was the problem.

One of the things that has struck me this week is that we are two very troubled people. Both of us have some serious issues to work through on our own if we are going to be healthy individuals. I'd like to think we could help each other but that probably doesn't make any sense. Somewhere I heard the analogy of the air masks in an airplane. Prior to helping someone else make sure your mask is on. Guess that's what I need to do.

I was doing fine until we talked this afternoon. She was opening up a bit to me and closing down at the same time. These conversations are exhausting. I can't do this for her and I can't stand to see her suffer. Think this may call for a boundary. Wish I didn't suck so much with boundaries.