He may or may not recognize the changes in you. Make them for you.
Do the two of you talk regularly about the kids? There is an opportunity to not be angry and keep him in the loop (very important IMO).
Yes he does need to process all of this on his own, without you telling him about all your changes.
As far as your family goes. Don't talk to them about this, it will make it harder later. This bb is great for that. Also, if it comes down to it, are you willing to telll your family to back off and support him in coming back? You may have to.
I'd keep the contact about the kids and any financial business you may have for now. Keep it as light as possible. I say that b/c sometimes depending on what's going on with the kids, it could take a more serious note. Remember, whatever is happening with the kids, it isn't necessarily b/c he left. It could be happening anyway. I say this to remind you not to place blame and look for solutions.
You should join Facebook DB has a site there and you can become a fan, and Michelle has alot of good stuff on there including videos and such. Turns out alot of people here are fans there. Its a great place to get DB info and resources straight from the horse's mouth if you will.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Don't worry at this point about distance. I live 5 miles from my wife and I didn't see her for 4 months. I didn't hear her voice for almost the same amount of time. We went over a month with absolutely no contact.
Just have faith that the time will come for your H to see your changes.
Like many have already told you, don't change to get your H back. Change because you feel you can and want to be a better Mom, daughter, wife, co-worker, friend, person that you are happy with.
I went dark..black in fact for over 2 months, doesn't sound like very long, but with me and my XH it is a long time.
He did something really mean to my kids and they wanted nothing to do with him for that time and so I just left him alone. He would try to call D10 and she would talk to him sometimes but mostly she would just not answer. My D16 almost 17, really doesn't talk to him much at all, she is very, very angry with him, she is in threapy. S14 talks football with him and that is about it, but really didn't talk to him at all during this time. I didn't text him updates on the kids, nothing! He knew he had hurt them!!
Just a short story of what happened...kids were with him for their summer visitation. They all told him several times that they didn't want to meet OW, hear about OW..nothing. My D10's therapist called XH and told him the only way D10 could handle it is in a therapist's office, XH has no therapist for D10 down there!! So, on the day that was exactly 1 year since he moved out, also the day after my B-day, my S14 calls me and says "Dad is trying to do something and I think in involves OW, I think we are going to meet her for dinner" Once again being the fool I am and believeing XH would at least respect his kids wishes told S14 that I was sure he wouldn't do that.
Well, within minutes my phone is ringing off the hook with D16 and S14 calling me at the same time. S14 tells me that OW showed up at our house (I still own the house!!)with no warning from XH, so he took off out the back door and was running to the tennis courts, D16 tells me D10 is freaking out screaming and crying and ran to my neighbor and wonderful friend. XH goes and drags D10 with force home, she runs and locks her self in a closet, comes out and runs back to N, again XH goes and drags her home. While this very intense scene is playing out in my front yard OW is first sitting in my living room, then goes and stands by her car, as XH is dealing with getting D10, he is making a huge scene on the front yard, he is yelling "your mother will not win..you will do what I tell you to do, etc." D10 breaks free and N is outside, so she runs to N and N tells XH to back off and let her calm D10 down (OW leaves at this point, but not before approaching D16 and asking "can I have a word" D16 looked at her said "no" and walked away). XH tells N she has 10 minutes to calm down D10, N says that is not long enough, XH says he will call the police, N says go ahead after what I saw you do to D10 I would love to tell them!! N is very reserved and hates confrontation, so this was huge for her, her H was so proud. Anyway, when D16 and S14 are back inside upstairs talking about everything on the phone to me, XH runs up the stairs saying "I guess you guys don't love me as much as I love you" and slams the door to our bedroom. He is nuts!! So, S14 goes and tells XH that he disrespected them and that they never wanted to come back, told him that he had lost the only people left in his life who love him, we told you we didn't want to meet her and you did that, we are not coming back, etc. So, at this time S14 is more of a man than XH!! XH tells D16 and S14 that they do have to come back and that they have no say in it, goes and gets a copy of our divorce and gives it to S14 to read!! And, trust me that is the short version!! It was a mess!! The funny part is S14 calls me and says "Mom, I read the whole divorce...Dad is in contempt of court for a lot of stuff!!" I said "yep, but it would cost me more to take him back to court than it is worth, but if you want to cut off visitation I will go back to court and you can tell the judge that" I then told both S14 and D16 that I really hoped they wouldn't want to do that because XH loves them and is just having a rough time right now" But, I called XH and told him I would never have a real conversation with him ever again after what he pulled and hung up, that is when I went black...and he could have cared less, he has OW and he thinks that is all he needs. We started talking again before he came up here due to serious stuff with D16. So, I know that was an event that make me go dark, but I did it. Before that XH and I barley went a week without talking about something, even if it was just the kids.
Thanks for the advice on the distance thing, I think you are right, he will see or hear them if he wants to and if not I am a better person for ME!!
I joined the facebook site, thanks for the info.
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Okay, need help calming down and not getting too excited, cause I know it all depends...but just hung up with XH, he called D10 and I needed to talk to him regarding her BB sign ups. So, then we started talking about the kids, I was filling him in, it went really great. I was totally calm, nice, never said a word about anything that didn't have to do with the kids. So, when I was telling him about D10 and her therapist, he chimes in..."I am starting counseling this next week!!!" I still didn't even react, I didn't even say I was glad or anything, just listened. He then said he was going to work on himself and help him deal with long-distance parenting...I had to bite my tounge not to say "you don't have to be long-distance, I love you, come home"!! I just said "oh, who are you going to? Are you going back to our MC?" and he said no. But, he is going!!! And, I just pray it is the right therapist with the right advice and help. I hope they are well researched in MLC and can spot it right away. I am praying and praying for him!! I know he is in there, I have seen too many signs not to have some hope.
I was sooo good on the phone with him...I am sooo proud and it felt so good to just be there and listen. So, maybe just maybe, he is seeing the changes and wants to work on himself. Either way, I can feel the changes in me and I love that even more!!
Thanks so much everyone, thinking about my support here made it so easy not to bring up R with XH and just listen, you guys are the best!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
In one post you don’t want H, in the next you are ready to tell him you love him and come home.
Sweetie, where are you really in all of this?
Not concerned with him, with the kids, but with you? If it was just you and him and NO ONE else, no ow, no family, no kids, no history, would you want to see what the future might hold with this man?
If you are on the fence, that is ok, we just have to get you to one side or the other.
You did good by STFU that is for certain.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
