If you do talk, try to concentrate your conversation to the present and future. If she starts bringing up the past, just tell her there is no use in rehashing what you both already know.
Some of her regret could be your happily moving on and having had another girl friend. They want what they cant have. And I also suspect it could be that the luster of the R with the OM has faded.
My XW also had some sort of major girl part operation and I have wondered if it was do to her promiscuous behavior. I do know that she picked up genital herpes from a one night stand.
I wonder if the operation could also be causing some hormone changes in your XW that could be contributing to her confusing behavior to you.
I also got the letter of regret, but that was before the D was final.
You best path is to just move forward and not try to analyze too much of what she is doing.
When you say did wonders, what actually do you mean. Havent read your sitch so guess I better do that.
Well, as hard as I tried and said I had accepted and forgiven, my anger and frustration for XW tearing our family to shreds was still there, lurking and waiting for a vulnerable moment to rear it's ugly head and break me down. No matter what I tried, I was merely lieing to myself.
XW had brushed on regreting what she was doing 6 months before the D. But it was the recent post D statements of regret and remorse that set that anger free. Don't ask me how or why, I don't know yet, but it's gone, and now I can look at the whole thing and even though are still issues, I can affirmatively say with confidence now, it is what it is, she got what she thought she wanted, the issues of the past lay there, in the past. All I can look forward to now is as Kerry said, the present and future and make the best of it as it certainly isn't what I envisioned, but sometimes as they say, the best laid plans don't come to frutition. And who knows, a ways down the road, maybe there is a chance for us, but a new us, and if not, oh well, through the thick and thin of it all, past the way it ended, we had a good run at things.
So in summary, and maybe to explain why it did wonders, one word:
closure.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I hear ya. And I concur with maybe being a chance way down the line, but like for now, I am not in the right mindset for anyone right now to fill that void, if thats what you want to call it. X debated her actions thru the whole thing but was so confident that is what she truly wanted and had her friends and familys backing. Nothing I could do, but I am very happy now.
Seems like X just cant stay out of the hospital. Her mom called me lastnight to see if I wanted the kids, but it was too late in the night to disrupt them like that. X was getting a CT scan cause she went there having another headache. Must have got released cause havent heard anything differently. Last August she got sent home from work cause they thought she had staff in her eye, I was at lake and she couldnt be around the kids so was wanting me or my mom to watch them. I forget what she had but I remember that weekend like yesterday cause that is when I finally detached! Wrote her and told her I am not paying for insurance or anything else, going to write you one check and thats it. That was 7 months into the D. She didnt like it to well but it had to be done. Ah, memories!!! lol
Well couple weeks later and got email from X with this in it: "I think you may have misunderstood my intention when I wanted to talk over dinner. Sorry- you know me- all forward and in your face. Dinner was probably a bit much huh? Really it was just how I would like us to be friends one day. I know… baby steps. I was going to see how you felt about maybe coming when I take the kids to the pumkin patch? You could meet us there. I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable. Or misguide you that I’m trying to save a marriage that is already over legally. I just know how happy it would the kids for us both to be there and be able to watch them play."
Is she out of her damn mind? Goes on to say just think about it and what weekend she was planning that. I dropped S off couple days before that at her house and OM car was there so still together. I wanted all or nothing with her and thats where I stand on it. Dont like to be around X or listen to her more than I half to. Sucks for the kids cause I hear stuff or cant let S do things with his cousin because all of this.
On that note, X keeps asking if I am going to this one event this weekend cause I go every year. Well dont have tickets this year and its my weekend with the kids, and she got offered tickets, but funny never wanted to go with me. Says she would much rather spend time with the kids than go to it, and doesnt want me to wait until last minute to tell her if I am going. My stand is I shouldnt have to tell X if I am not going. I talked to X on phone the other night after D handed it to me, but she didnt ask then. Its times like this its all about her so she can plan her life out. X wants both of best worlds. Hate playing it like this but I didnt choose this path.
Well couple weeks later and got email from X with this in it: "I think you may have misunderstood my intention when I wanted to talk over dinner. ....Really it was just how I would like us to be friends one day. ..."
Is she out of her damn mind?... I wanted all or nothing with her and thats where I stand on it.
Did you tell her that? Simplest thing to do might be to just tell her that. Then she should quit bothering you, and you can rest easy yourself.
Not recently I havent but last summer when we were going thru all of this a couple of letters to try and save this like the C suggested, I explained to X that I would have my family with the kids and she would have hers. I dont think X took me serious back then but is slowly realizing I am for real. Guess I need to reiterate to X that I wanted all or nothing.
Well, if OM weren't there, I would love to say she sounds a lot like a WAW spouse who posts here who came on too strong to her her X. Of course he rejected the offers of getting together. So She wasn't sure what to do, so she backed off. Then came back here and posted and my advice was to still make the effort for get togethers for the kids, but tone down the personal desire in it.
Bottom line for either side, IT DOES mean a lot to the kids if mom and dad can put aside their personal agendas for the sake of the kids, because after all, you may be X's, but you're still mom and dad.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Oh not really. I picked D up from daycare a while back and noticed OM name had been scratched out. But that same day after I picked S up from X's house, he was coming around corner as I was leaving. Still hear from kids about them doing stuff with OM and his D. So I dont know whats going on, X has seemed to back off.
S has soccer on Saturdays, and unlike his baseball games this past summer, OM hasnt been to any of them. Dont know if S is going to make it this Sat to his game, he has been under the weather, well just running a slight temp. That started Monday morning at school, and that morning, like a lot others, he tried telling me his stomach hurt. Didnt have a temp in morning but developed one before lunch so got sent home.
Its hard to known when he is really sick tho. X says he does the same thing, especially on Mondays. We are thinking it has something to do about the before school at the school care he doesnt like. Although today I finally got a little something out of him when I threw at him "you like the last place how come not this one?" He replied with "there isnt anything to do there". So I dont know, he loves school and is a top notch 2nd grader.
X tried to plan Thanksgiving and according to the papers and how she thought it was suppose to be. We both have Thurs and Friday off, I have them Tues and Weds but the holiday schedule for this is for X to have them Weds night and I get them Thurs overnight. X was under the impression of getting them all day Friday cause that is "her day". I called her while she was at work to discuss this around lunch time and it was ok but I didnt get pissy, but X did.
Then I brought up Xmas how it was suppose to work and didnt like that either. Anyways, a while after we got off the phone, I get email say never to call X at work unless its an emergency and let her know where she can pick kids up at 7am Friday morning and that the next 4 years is my weekend after Thanksgiving (earlier I did bring up the fact while on the phone that I go 4 or 5 days without seeing them every other week). So couple hours later I am driving home and X calls and leaves a more than 2 minute message cause it cut X off at 117 secs. X was polite and acknowledge that we just need to get along like we have been lately and that is best for everyone. I mentioned on the phone to X I only communicate what I need to in response to my communications or lack of X talked about.
Later on that same night, I get a couple of texts saying she didnt know why she thought that was her day so maybe next year she could have them and to call her next week.
So anyways it worked out, the exchanges went well Thanksgiving. Then I get a hair in my butt to take her up on her "meeting" since she wanted to see the kids Friday. My S went out of town with my dad for the weekend and I had the lil girl. Well I text X asking if she is going to buy us dinner. X said "maybe somewhere cheap". X also asked "why the change of heart" I replied "no reason".
Met her at 5 with lil girl and it wasnt too bad. X had been shopping all day and X was in a uppity mood which was good. Kept asking me how is so and so, and her and him, and etc. Keep asking me "so whats new". I just couldnt really talk like I have never been able to do, or if I did, just not in so much detail. There was so much I wanted to say, but just couldnt. I did crack a lil funny thing about how X always saying bring when it should be take. I just had to correct X and she did get a kick out of it and said "i havent had to hear that for a long time".
All in all it was good. X did ask again in person "why the change of heart" (once again refering why I wanted to meet up with her) and i replied the same as I did in my text. We left and X walked me and lil girl to car and said thanks for dinner and we ought to do this again sometime. This was at McDonalds cause they just reopened and have a indoor playground. X was about to pay for meal after we ordered but I didnt allow it, told her I was just joking with her about her paying.
So I guess the whole email and text is out for now. Will try to better communicate with X but dont want to get hurt by her again. X emailed earlier saying boy prob isnt going on a field trip Sunday morning with boy scouts cause its too far away but instead wants to take them to see Santa and if I would like to come. Also sent me a video of daughter singing a song she sings all the time shortly after.
Thats the majority of it, but for now its time to leave work and come back in later for a few hours so I have tomorrow off.
