After a great deal of thought, I think a combination of Dia's and Coach's (really think they are the same) is the best. So, here is my third try at how to talk to my W - ALL SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS/REVISIONS are welcome:
"I need to talk to you because I need your help. I am feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. This is not about sex; this is about feelings. I would like to see if we can come up with some ways to improve our situation."
Assuming the conversation moves in a positive direction, I would suggest one of the following:
-I would like you to hold my hand.
-I would like you to hug me.
-I would like you to sit with me when we watch TV.
-I would like to hear your appreciation when I do something for you.
So, do I leave the first part of the talk open ended (can we come up with some ways...) or do I make it about what I need, more leading her? I mean, part of this discussion is communicating to her in a non-threatening way, that my patience is not limitless and this current arrangement isn't doing it for me.
Or, do I just play it by ear and only bring up the R isn't where I want it if she says she can't do any hand holding, etc.? B/c if, after the original open ended question, she says she's ready to move closer to each other, there doesn't seem to be a need to say the current R won't work for me. Instead, it would seem that a new step has been taken, and that's where the work should be - and then over the course of the next few weeks, work on hand holding, hugs, sitting next to each other, and so forth.
Personally, I would keep the 'This isn't working for me' in reserve. If she responds positively right off the bat, no need for the bludgeon, ya know? If she balks, *then* you can get more serious.
Last edited by Dia; 10/22/0903:19 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Gima, I didn't mean to skewer this so much, but I knew where you wanted to go and I thought it was too wordy, one-sided and needy. So I came up with this.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
"I need to talk to you because I need your help. I am feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. I would like to spend a little time with you talking about our feelings. Not sex; but feelings, emotions.
Are you willing to have short discussion at this time? When would be a better time?
I would like to see if together you and I can come up with ways that might affect some improvement, some movement in our shared situation .
I've decided that I want us to take the next step with some little physical demonstrations of the affection I know we still feel for each other. Simple things: holding hands, hugging, sitting closer or even snuggling watching TV. Complimenting each other, saying words of appreciation for our many simple kindnesses to each other.
I think such demonstrations would feel good again. I think it would mean a lot to both of us; I know it would to me.
And I'll bet it would do the kids a world of good to see it again, too.
What are your thoughts?
Use what you'd like, of course. Discard the rest. I'd see how this goes before planning a different conversation of I-don't-know-how-much-more-of-this-I-can-take.
Hope this helps.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
W could just be busy today, but, in her messages today, I am sensing some pull back. Don't know why.
Should be able to tell better once I get home. She has her cake decorating class, so it's me and the kids for dinner. Beautiful weather here, so I am thinking the grill on the back deck while they play outside is a great idea.
Going to have to play it by ear on the "talk." I want to catch her at a good time.
Too funny. Apparently, W has already started dinner. Oh well, there's always the weekend when I can fire up my Big Green Egg. Oh, and made dinner reserv's for our anniversary. Dinner out Sun.
