Thank you friends. I am just at my wits end. H yelled at me for moving something in the garage, which I cleaned out for him to put his car in when he's here - I'm never allowed to touch anything of his. He also yelled at me earlier for cleaning up an old envelope I saw on the ground saying don't I dare touch anything of his, like I was supposed to know an old envelope meant anything. Then he yelled at S for dropping something accidentally on his toe.
I don't know what I'm going to do. First step is I'm finally coming out of denial about this. I want my son to have his father in his life, but this is so painful.
I am moving from wanting my H back to accepting that he never will because he refuses to look at himself. I am at an all time low, feeling a depression I haven't felt for many many years.
I know I'm supposed to be doing things for myself, but all I can do is cry. This is not DB. I'm supposed to be happy, upbeat, moving on. I just can't do it. If I could afford DB coaching I would but I don't see how I can spend one extra penny right now given the circumstances.
I know I need to play hardball. I'm trying. It's just not in my heart - I want to do all the pleading and begging but I haven't. Why do I feel so devasted by his leaving when he is the one that is so cruel? What is wrong with me? I need to move on. I just don't know how.
I understand you Hope. I'm feeling the same in my sitch. We are on the low portion of our own roller coaster. I see DBing as personal growth for ourselves--that's it. It's keeping busy and improving ourselves while we wait for our spouses to open their eyes and decide to work on the relationship. You already know this, but I know it helps me to be reminded to keep focused on yourself and your child. You need to find peace and emotional stability for yourself.
Step by step you will get through this. Even if you have to break it up day by day, hour by hour, you will get through this.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Take some time to think it through. Don't make a decision while you are upset. But, face what you have to face. It may be hard, but in the end, it is the best for you and S.
Yelling is not acceptable. Name calling is not acceptable. Becoming angry with you about an envelope on the floor is just plain ridiculous.
Thank you for all the constant reminders as I try to wrap my head around how horrible my marriage has become - it's so easy to want to stay in denial. Your support means more than you will ever know.
I can't thank you all enough for being there for me and reminding me of the reality of my situation. It's not something I tell people usually because it's so dang dysfunctional and I like how I usually show myself as a confident gal (believe it or not). But you guys have been witness to some of the hardest stuff of my life and not given up on me. I can't thank you enough and want to let you all know I am thinking long and hard about all of this.
I intend to grow and mature no matter what the outcome of my marriage. Somebody further back up my thread mentioned the child-parent dynamic of a relationship. I'd be interested in hearing more. I am working on being treated like an equal adult, not an abused child!
Isn't it strange how we can nearly reach midlife and still have so much to learn.
Nope, I, for one, can tell you I KNOW what it means. I suspect everyone else here would say the same. B/c, in one form or another, we've all been there. And I think that's why the people here really want to help.
Quote:
I am working on being treated like an equal adult, not an abused child!
Start by having enough self-respect to stand up for yourself - and you are doing this. He won't respect you if YOU don't respect you. If you perceive (and act like) you are not worthy of others' love and respect, then you won't receive it.
And, don't blame yourself for the problems in your M. You are 50% of the reason why you're here. No more, no less. Forgive yourself, make any needed changes and move forward.
What can you do to work on your self-esteem? Maybe a new outfit? Maybe new perfume? Something to make you feel nice and appreciated.
Be aware that he is probably going to keep testing you. Expect it so that when it happens, it doesn't rattle you. As long as he can get a reaction out of you, he will keep doing it. Once you stop allowing him to affect your mood, then he looses power over you. Take it back. Believe in yourself.
H yelled at me for moving something in the garage,
H doesn't live there anymore right? Shouldn't he get his stuff out of your house? My thought: He is the one who walked out. Why does he still maintain the right to come and go to your house as he pleases? Is "his" place just a clubhouse or is it his new home?
It seems that your H has one foot in and one foot out?
I still think that moving on, getting a life, stopping trying to hard to please him is the only thing that will work.
"H, I love you and would untimately like to put our family back together. I picture a relationship where we are true partners and are dedicated to meeting eachothers needs as well as our own. I see mistakes that I have made in the past and would like to correct things for a better future. I can only control my own actions though and can't apologise for the past forever. If you would like to work on this future with me, you know where I will be."
I know that in your case, having too much of a life without him was one of the issues. At this point though, he is surely aware that you are trying and that you are sorry for the past.
Just my 3 1/2 cents...
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
[quote=Energizer Bunny]"H, I love you and would untimately like to put our family back together. I picture a relationship where we are true partners and are dedicated to meeting eachothers needs as well as our own. I see mistakes that I have made in the past and would like to correct things for a better future. I can only control my own actions though and can't apologise for the past forever. If you would like to work on this future with me, you know where I will be." [quote]
Have you tried saying this to H? This is something I'd like to say to my H, but feel it would be pursuing. But I also see that nothing is happening now in my sitch, so I'd be willing to give it a try.
How are things Hope?
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Hope, As your H yells at you for stupid things.....if they are really stupid, then you continue to do what ever it is you were doing. And eventually he'll get the point, get over or die with it on his mind. You as a mother know you can't give into your child when he's whining and being ornery just to be whiny and ornery, it goes for adults too.
Remember this: You are going to survive this and one day your H will regret how he did this and how he treated you. When that day comes, you won't care.
Thanks people. Yes, the nitpicking continues. Under it all is the message "I am working so hard to pay for everything and you are lazing around." I got yelled at last night with that message and H threatened to write a letter to my L to destroy the sep agreement he offered - because it was "way too generous and he's getting f***ed in the a**". So now he threatens to make the papers much less favorable to me financially, insisting I make a certain amount of $ or we will sell the house.
Hope, As your H yells at you for stupid things.....if they are really stupid, then you continue to do what ever it is you were doing. And eventually he'll get the point, get over or die with it on his mind. You as a mother know you can't give into your child when he's whining and being ornery just to be whiny and ornery, it goes for adults too.
Remember this: You are going to survive this and one day your H will regret how he did this and how he treated you. When that day comes, you won't care.
On the little things, this does work. H eventually calms down when it gets little reaction from me. But there's an intensity and rage to his voice that sends shivers down my spine.
