She went straight to the shower so I am back. I can tell that she is conflicted about leaving me. She even told me tonight that some days she feels positive about our future but other days she is not. She can't seem to let go of feeling like the hurt she feels over my depression was personal on my part. She also says she feels like I "need her" more than I love her. She has noticed my changes over the past month and I think that is why she has let her guard down around me lately. I have received a lot of good advice from Sandi and I agree with her that the intimacy of late is because I am being "tagged" until she figures out what she wants to do.
-HBH
No more sex.
Refuse it next time it happens.
Hard as it may be, tell her you don't want to give her the wrong impression.
Thanks for checking in! Started off the day OK, feeling empowered because I let her know how I felt about the A last night. As the day rolled on, I started feeling worse but that is becoming my normal day. Hope all is well with you guys today.
Last night was a tough one. I had my first boundaries discussion with her which in some ways left me feeling as string as I have felt since this whole thing started. I started by telling her that everything I had told her before (that I am not mad at her, that I love her, want to work through this with her, etc.) still stood, however, I cannot exist in a marriage with three people. I told her that if she truly felt positive about our R that we cannot work on R at all until OM is completely out of the picture. I also told her that by separating, she is in effect choosing OM over her M and that she has to understand that that will affect how I feel about her and our R. I did tell her that no matter what I had done to upset her, I did not deserve what she is doing and that I find it to be completely unacceptable.
Of course she denied that she is seeing OM but I told her that I knew for a fact that she is and that she had been with him at his place last week when she did not come home until 2:00 AM. She continued to balk but I emphasized that I would not be having this talk with her if I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I finished by saying that either she tells the OM that I know about A or I would. I then left and went upstairs.
A few minutes later she came up for more talking and it was clear that she was stressed out by this. She seemed to waiver back and forth between acknowledgement of what I was saying and denial. She never asked how I knew but I sensed that she does not know how much I know and it made it hard to gauge her response. She slept on the couch last night and we had more discussion about R this AM.
I want to bust this A up but I am not ready to expose to HR b/c we depend on her pay to meet bills and such and I don't want to jeopardize her job. I have never met OM (we work at a large corporate campus and he is in another building) and I was thinking of walking over to his office and introducing myself as WAS's husband and since he is spending so much time with my wife, I felt like I should introduce myself.
I am wondering how to move forward at this point. I set a boundary last night but don't know that I did the best job of it and don't think that I established clear consequences. I still don't know if she is leaving or staying and for sure if she leaves, I go dark but what should I do if she stays at this point? What is the best way to handle someone in an A who is sleeping in the same bed as you?
Its Plan A time and listen to the fog. But keep your boundaries. Or reread what Rob wrote. Does OM have a W ?
Did you come up with a plan for the next few days... You did state that there is no R talk until OM is out of the picture... Has she done anything on this ? If not then enforce that boundary that you have set up for yourself. Do not slide. Its going to get rather messy now. Funny that. Worst day of your life and then you made it. She is going to come hard at you with anger if you enforce your boundaries. I did not learn about all this until a few weeks after D-day. So use the smart people here to help you through the next few days.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
HBH...Get her out of your bed. My W & I slept in the same bed for about 2 weeks after I discovered & confronted her about her A...worst 2 weeks of my life. It made my physically ill. Tell her you're not comfortable & make her sleep on the couch.
Are you prepared to make her leave your house if she doesn't cut off contact with OM?
Last edited by etrain; 10/23/0901:13 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I have never met OM (we work at a large corporate campus and he is in another building) and I was thinking of walking over to his office and introducing myself as WAS's husband and since he is spending so much time with my wife, I felt like I should introduce myself.
Hi HBH,
My sitch is not like yours, my wife is not involved in an A. I suggest you watch the movie Fireproof. There is a seen where the husband confronts the OM and tell him that he is going to fight for his wife and that he has an advantage over him, he has had several years with his wife and knows her better then most.
I would suggest you confront the OM and let him know that you are not going to give up your fight for your wife.
Me: 39 W: 34 S:6 M:11 years T: 13 Years B: 07/2009 Possibly BUSTED: 11/2009
