Question

[awest1217]

I was just reading a few other posts and if tristan or robx is out there and reads this I would love your suggestions, especially tristan because my sitch is similar in the fact that H will not give up EA. THANKS!

[awest1217]

The funeral went well. H has been really nice and talked again about getting DR, but hasn't had time with funeral and viewing. Also going to do dinner later tonight. I am still sad because with him gone again I feel like we have taken one million steps backward, but he is being very open about everything, and very nice. I am trying to just listen and not say anything. I don't know how long I can handle him being gone again, but I need to quit focusing on it and focus on me and S like I was before. It is just harder now because H says he wants to be home soon, but no dates.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, it's amazing how similar our situations are, so I totally feel for you. Does your H suffer from depression as well (you mention something about pills)? For me, as much as I want my H back and have our family together, I just really want to protect my son. I fear about how the D would affect him, but I also fear the affects of a dad who comes in and out of his life (like yours, my H comes to visit S for just a few hrs a week. I would not call that a dad!) Although we have been S for almost a year now, I only recently came upon DB. I'm still trying to negoiate this rollcoaster too, but I just wanted to offer some support. Hopefully, I'll be able to offer more advice soon! It's so nice to know we are not alone in this.

[awest1217]

Lucky11too

It is good to have someone who understands. If you read the whole sitch, it is crazy, and i will try to read yours when I have more time. Right now I am busy trying to get S to sleep. With H leaving again, S is not willing to sleep in his own bed again.

I am very worried about my S. I am worried about what he is learning by this. I want him to have a good relationship as he gets older and I am scared he is learning that it is ok to just leave your family whenever you want. H and I have talked about it and he has said that is why he has not seen him much because he does not want S to turn into him. He doesn't want to be a bad influence. The only good thing is although he told me the last separation was for him to figure out what he wanted, he didn't do that. He figured out on his own last weekend that the whole time he was gone he was just doing whatever OW wanted and never figured out anything about himself. He said he needs to start seeing a counselor and get some help. I don't think he is depressed, although I think he was for a little bit after he left. I more think he is going through a midlife crisis and some of the stuff is things he has done the whole time we have been together. Online stuff with women, then having EAs while we were dating and engaged, and finally this last one. He says he doesn't know why he does it and needs help to stop. Plus he hates that he is 27 and tells everyone he is 25. Not good. Hopefully he will follow through this time. He has said numerous times these past two days that he does not want to be gone long and htat he really is just gone to read DR and another book then come back. He wants us to work he keeps saying. This is a huge step. He even made plans with us for tomorrow and has been giving me hugs when he leaves which is a first.

I am scared, but goign to keep doing what makes me happy. Even holding his hand, telling him I love him (not all the time, but once in a while), giving him hugs, and he is returning them more and more. It is really working (for the two days I have done it). Hopefully it will get better and better.

[ClingingToHope]

I wouldn't call what he's going through a "Mid-Life Crisis." It's more of a Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn't want to grow up and have to live a grown up life.

Either way it's not fun.

Sounds like infatuation with OW is lessening. That's good.

[awest1217]

Finally getting over the snooping. I am realizing it is just making me unhappy so what is the point. Also I am working on my control issues so unless I happen to fall onto it, which I have at times, I not going to go looking because I control others through knowledge and know likes to be around someone who controls them. I am letting go a little at a time. Including not showing H how much it bugs me and S that he has left, I am just going to act as if everything is great and we are fine, although it still hurts and S is back sleepign with me, including not sleeping unless he is touching me or I am touching him. I think it is a way of making sure mommy is there. I feel really bad for him. He just was getting used to H being home and now he is gone again. NEVER AGAIN. Next time H asks to come home, I will be laying down some major ground rules. Number one NO MORE LEAVING. If even think might not work, then don't come back.

Still very tired, but I am sure a week of normal sleep will help.

[Lucky11too]

I've read the whole sitch - what a rollercoaster! It seems like he is making some process in his desire to get some help and read DB. I hope he follows thru this time. My H has a hard time following thru on things too. I've heard his "I'm ready to turn my life around" many times but with no actions or results!

Interestingly enough, on the whole "mid-life crisis" thing, I've heard a lot of my friends talk about a "quarter-life crisis" - maybe just a cop out, but it seems like a lot of our men here in their late 20's are going thru some kind of crisis, since they are not where they expected themselves to be in their relationships, careers, etc by this point in their lives.

Either way, like you said, S is definitely the most important thing in the world. I know it will take a lot of strength to following thru with the ground rules, but whenever you feel weak, just think about your S. As hard as this whole Dbing has been, I am able to continue and draw my strength from knowing that I am doing everything possible to give my S a better life. I just wish they didn't have to go thru this. =(

Yes. Definitely, get some good sleep! Good luck! =)

[awest1217]

H is supposed to get DR tonight. After reading "surrendered wives", which fits DR, but at the same time works more with control issues, which I have, I am definitely trying harder than ever to not talk about R or even say anything at all about anything. Let him take the lead. With the surrendered wives I can't really put everything into practice because it is not meant for husbands who have left or cheated multiple times, but I can at least learn to let go of controlling him. The controlling my household can come later when H has shown he wants to be here.

Looking forward to a good weekend. H should have plenty of time to read. I want him to go to my class reunion with me so I will ask, but if he says no not get too upset. Just let it go because I cannot control it. Then go and have fun showing off S. Really starting to feel happy again!

[ClingingToHope]

Oh jeez, class reunions. My W's 20th was this summer and I held out some little bit of hope that she'd ask me. She didn't. I watched the kids and when she came home I asked to stay the night and she said no.

That was just one month into situation and it was a stupid thing to do.

Good job on giving up snooping. That's been tough for me as well. You spend too much emotional capital on someone else.

[awest1217]

H came over out of no where. His phone died. We had been talking all summer about switching companies because he uses all of our shared minutes because we are on a family plan. We discussed it and got the plan he wants, he got a new phone, and so did I. The best part is he actually got a family plan. All summer he wanted to just get a single plan, just in case, and this time he went straight for a family plan without me saying anything. I am going to take that as a small step. He got a bunch of books to read about making decisions and being happy. He says he does not want to make the decisions alone, but really discuss them and both have an opinion, but feel like he has the final say, but wants my input. He even text me saying sweet dreams. Has not happened in a while.

S is still having a hard time at night and I have not told H. I am going to wait to see if he asks then I will just tell him the truth. Things are going well. I hope he really is going to get help and read the books and be home within a couple of weeks.