I am wondering if there is any value in confronting the OM with the fact that I know. Unfortunately, all three of us work at the same company, what a completely messed up situation this is. Even if my W separates, I will get the joy of seeing her at work all of the time.
-HBH
yeah you can confront him after you've spoken to your wife.
Not only that, after speaking with your wife, tell her you're going to go to HR and let them know what's happening, alot of workplaces frown upon "employee relations" of that nature because when they go south (and they almost all invariably do at some point), work performance is affected plus if they're having an affair, they're most likely spending time at work messing around with each other is some form or fashion.
Having an affair is disrespecting you. I consider cheating a form of abuse.
If she is willing to break your trust by having an affair, you're willing to blow the whistle on the two of them not only to HR but to everyone.
"...I'm not going to be the only one uncomfortable at work now that I know about this affair"
"Stop the affair right now, I won't have an open relationship and share you with another man, and I won't be your second choice, if you choose him, I'm letting you know RIGHT NOW I'm not waiting around for you - we are done and you are out of our home ASAP" and then very important, before she says anything, you turn your back on her and walk away.
She can follow you for the rebuttal and if she does, you tell her
"STOP! This isn't up for discussion, I've told you what's going to happen, I've made the decision, I'm taking control of this situation now. You can either work on our marriage, come clean, be honest about everything and why you felt the need to have an affair, offer full transparency for whatever's happened, because I want to know everything, otherwise have a nice life and I will do the same - When you go home, pack your things and move in with the OM (or I will pack for you, no problem!)"
I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, we usually hear about these issues when the person has been a LBS for quite some time, discovered the affair and has been pursuing their spouse for quite some time without any success.
It would be nice to turn this around just as it's starting, instead of becoming the LBS, you become the WAS that you're wife is becoming. You become the first one to leave, no pursuing, you pack her things and kick her out and you start dating and enjoying your free life.
It's counter-intuitive to what most WAS's would expect to experience. They would expect their spouses to be lost & heartbroken, they feel they have alot of power when they make the decision to have an affair.
Turn this around, become the WAS.
I want to hear more about what you found out, the extent of the affair, what have they done, who else knows, how did you find out, did someone clue you in, how long has it been going on?
She made the mistake last night of entering her phone lock code where I could see it. I feel bad for snooping and do not like that I did it but I felt that I deserved to know the truth. I have known in my heart for some time that this was true but I guess I needed confirmation to give me the strength to do what I know is going to be so hard for me to do.
I have been depressed for a couple of years which has pushed my W away a bit (I have to accept mt blame first). She never told me of the extent of her hurt and just proceeded into an A. She started taking a language course earlier this year and met up with a guy from work who is a native speaker for "practice". She initially told me she was doing this but eventually she became evasive about it (EA at that point I'm sure). I eventually confronted her about my concerns and she blew up on me about how everything between us was so bad. A few months ago, she came home asking about how much text messages cost and said she had been texting her mother (Her phone was on my plan). I was able to check the bill and see that the texts were to this guy that she was spending time with and not her mother.
She denied an A and said that he was just a friend and we have been in the separation holding pattern for three months. She eventually admitted to being with someone but that it was over. She said there is nothing going on now. My evidence is from last week so I know this is BS.
Here I am now and she just walked in so gotta go for now - Thx for the advice.
Confronting the OM and working together.... Not a good scene. One where your going to need to keep professional. As you need your job at a time like this. If I was you I would expose to HR. But again this depends on your plan of action.
What is your plan of action for tonight and the next 2 or 3 days.
Are you going to expose and confront.... Or confront and do no exposure ? These are items you keep from your WAS. They are your weapons to use. Use them wisely.
I would recommend that you really work out your plan. 1 more day is not going to hurt. It may help you in the long run. You are at the position of strength. You can control this situation.
I do know that I would not reveal my sources or show my evidence.
You need to work on your script. For you will be receiving a script from the land of the fog. It is going to just destroy you on the inside for now.... Prepare for war. For this a conversation you will take to your grave. You will always remember the conversation. So make the most of it. I ended up hugging at the end of mine and we were both crying.... It took 3 hours and when it was over she left the house and called OM. It was the beginning of being completely broken. But they say you need to fall down to get up. Good luck. My heart goes out to you. So prepare and go to war with a plan. Remember cheaters lie. So be like a duck. Water off the back. Reinvention is a justification for guilt. And the guilt will be hidden in plain view. If your smart you will use this time to learn what he is giving her that you cannot.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I like your advice of collecting myself before reacting and somehow I do feel in a position of power right now. I am now armed with evidence and don't have to deal with any gaslamping by W. I have been encumbered in my efforts to truly DB by doubting my hunches about the reality of the OM (you know, the whole am I crazy thing!) BTW, I have been following your sitch as well, I definitely wish you the best!
NEVER reveal the source of your intel, and never show your evidence. Just say "I know everything that's going on between you and _______, and it needs to stop. Immediately. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family. I will not live in an open marriage."
Don't do anything else for the next 48 hours. She will BADGER you to try to find out what you're going to do; just say "I haven't decided yet." Let her twist in the wind.
I'm really sorry, I know this sucks. It's like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. But you WILL survive this, and -- if you do it right -- you WILL come out stronger than you have ever been.
And, even though you can't control it and I can't guarantee it, even your marriage can come out stronger.
She went straight to the shower so I am back. I can tell that she is conflicted about leaving me. She even told me tonight that some days she feels positive about our future but other days she is not. She can't seem to let go of feeling like the hurt she feels over my depression was personal on my part. She also says she feels like I "need her" more than I love her. She has noticed my changes over the past month and I think that is why she has let her guard down around me lately. I have received a lot of good advice from Sandi and I agree with her that the intimacy of late is because I am being "tagged" until she figures out what she wants to do.
It's great to have you on my thread. I know you understand what I am going through right now (and probably what I will go through for the next 2 years as well!)
