I think your W is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be free to have A with OM, but she wants to maintain a R with you. I believe she needs to know that she can't have it both ways.
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She said that she wants us to come together and have these type of talks during S. She also told me that she feels a lot more positive about us.
Yeah, I bet she does. If she is under the impression she has you wrapped around her little finger.....but I think you are going to upset her playhouse!
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would it be a bad idea to unemotionally let her know that if it comes to light that her decision to S is motivated by a desire to pursue a relationship with OM, then it will have consequences of some sort.
Be thinking how you will say this to her, so you will not be emotional when the time comes. She needs to see you being a strong male presence before her. Always be standing (if possible) when you say these sort of things to her b/c it is from a position of authority and has more influence. She will either respect what you say or suffer the consequences. (An example would be losing her R with you.)
Another good practice is to use statements that say "I have decided" b/c it shows that you are solid and decisive. For an example:
"I have decided that I cannot be in a R that has three people in it." or "Our M does not have room for three people in it." or "I do not believe in an open M."
"I have decided not to pursue a friendship where I am clearly being disrespected". (This is the one I think will get to her the most b/c she wants to keep the rope tied to you.)
"I have decided to make the most of my situation and remember what it is like to be free.". (You are not saying that you will be dating or whatever....but she will get the message loud and clear.)
HBH, I am not too good at these examples, but maybe you can think of ones that will make a better impression. Just remember to be firm (not cold or hateful) and not wishy-washy about what you tell her. She is going to lose control in your personal life and that is what needs to hit her! She is not going to be able to even have you for her best friend! Why should she? She is committing adultry! She is openingly showing the highest disrespect for you....and she thinks you should be her friend?
That was one thing that hit me so hard in my stitch was when my H told me that if I left....there would be no "friendship" thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last night, we made a nice dinner and had a nice time. When we went to bed, she rolled over and said how much she has missed me and we ML for the first time since the bomb. I expected a pullback today and that is exactly what happened. It felt great to be her H again but the pull back is hard. I can tell she is really conflicted and I wish there was something I could do to help her make the right choices but I know that I can't. It really is confusing and painful right now.
Pull back today. She is afraid that b/c she ML with you, you will think everything is "fixed" and back to normal again. She apparently was in HD and wanted sex. I hope you used protection.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps you are willing to have an open M and allow this OM to sleep with your W......and even adjust to her living away from you so she can have more time with him........just as long as you get a little from time to time? Guess it was a good thing you didn't make that talk last night and then go to bed and she shows you how easily she can "work" you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know, that was a big backslide for me. I think the "I've missed you part" got to me because I have missed her so much too. Not trying to make excuses, but we have moved around a bit over the years and we are very far from close friends and family. I have really felt so alone these past few months so I think it is very easy for me to cling to any ray of hope that comes along. This is going to be my biggest challenge in trying to do effective DBing but one I really have to try to get under control.
Another thing that makes this difficult is my lack of hard evidence of an "ongoing" A. All of my circumstantial evidence suggests that there is, her admitting to infidelity (although not admitting A), her hanging out with this guy earlier this year, the text messages to him that she was feeling guilty about, the fact that she is looking at apt's near where he lives and far from me and the advice from this forum that women rarely leave M unless there is someone in the wings. On the other hand, maybe, she is just exploring many options and wants the freedom to do that. In either case, bad for me and not something that will be easy for me to get past if she moves forward with S. I suppose that there is a VERY, VERY SMALL chance that she was unfaithful and it is over and now she is just confused and needs to figure things out (I know this is the most unlikely one). I just wish I had more concrete details because it would make it easier for me to confront her in a strong way.
I know that the tough love and detachment is probably the only way I am going to save our marriage. I just feel such a lack of hope right now because it is hard to imagine that letting her go and going dark is going to make her want to come back. She feels that my depression over the past couple of years has made me really negative and it is hard for me to imagine that she would want to come back to me after she gets her freedom, even though I am making progress on the depression.
I have to find some way to toughen up, get it together and implement the good advice that you are giving me. My head tells me this is the only way it is going to work but my heart keeps tripping me up.
Got out of town with a friend for one night this weekend and had some fun (good GAL). Toward the end of the trip, my mind started drifting back to her and I started feeling bad again. This emotional roolercoaster is so hard to deal with! I am really struggling with detachment, I wish my brain would hurry up and just start to focus on me and my life for a change.
No change on the S front this weekend. She has not said whether or not she actually submitted her apartment application so I guess I am in a holding pattern with that for now. I am trying to prepare myself to stand up for how I feel about her decision to S, especially since OM is probably involved. I just wish I had hard evidence of ongoing A but I don't think I could get it without hiring a PI.
It is going to be hard to go dark if she leaves and I hope I can be strong enough to follow through.
I just got caught up on your sitch. I know where you are at, I was there. It is extremely hard not to backslide here, but it is important you don't. I believe that your W is still involved with OM.
When she moves out it will be easier to go dark. You will need to GAL then to keep your mind busy. I found Meetup.com helped me find things to do. It will be hard, so you need to be ready for it. The fact that she talks positively about you is good, it means there are things that she will miss when you are not around. It will take a while for that to sink in.
You do not have children, so I don't know how often you will see each other. But when you do it is important to look your absolute best no matter what you are doing. My W just commented on how good I always looked when we were seperated last night (she said I looked "hot" ). You should be doing this now, but it easier to do it when you are seperated.
Hang in there. I do see hope in your sitch (I see a lot of similiarities with mine).
I finally got the hard evidence of my W's affair tonight and confirmed that it was with the person that I thought it was with. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, it is so hard to see the evidence in plain English in front of you. In some ways, it is good b/c I think that I needed the confirmation to be able to help me lay down the boundary and detach. Things had felt so positive between us lately.
I don't want to show her the evidence right now b/c I don't want her to know how I got it (she would be ticked off). Knowing that she is very close to initiating S, I feel that I need to lay down the boundary tonight when she gets home and confront her that I know about the A.
I really need help with suggestions on how best to approach this conversation tonight. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
I am wondering if there is any value in confronting the OM with the fact that I know. Unfortunately, all three of us work at the same company, what a completely messed up situation this is. Even if my W separates, I will get the joy of seeing her at work all of the time.
I finally got the hard evidence of my W's affair tonight and confirmed that it was with the person that I thought it was with. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, it is so hard to see the evidence in plain English in front of you. In some ways, it is good b/c I think that I needed the confirmation to be able to help me lay down the boundary and detach. Things had felt so positive between us lately.
I don't want to show her the evidence right now b/c I don't want her to know how I got it (she would be ticked off). Knowing that she is very close to initiating S, I feel that I need to lay down the boundary tonight when she gets home and confront her that I know about the A.
I really need help with suggestions on how best to approach this conversation tonight. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
). You should be doing this now, but it easier to do it when you are seperated.