Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[SpyBunny]

Good luck to you in your new place.

But I'm a little confused- your W doesn't know about the move? This is a surprise when she gets home?

[iwantittowork]

Hey Bunny, thanks for stopping by

To protect myself legally/financially, it will be a surprise to some extent to her, but its. What she has been asking for, for months. So after the initial shock, she should not be that surprised. However, it was a decision about me and for me, and I am not concerned with her reaction.

What she will be surprised by, is that I am placing her in charge of the houshold utilities/finances. (But I will start paying child support right away, so it should not be onerous to her in the end, unless she chooses not to pay them..)

She had been assuming I would move out, and continue to support the household while I lived away from home, and that she will not be getting that..

[iwantittowork]

Well, tonight is first night in new place. I don't even have bed yet, but staying as furniture is due at 7am tomorrow.

D8 is staying at grammies house for the night, so she has a bed, then dropping her off at school in the am..

So, WAW is home now, but maybe I need to call her LBS or STBXW now, and it has really struck me today that she didn't even bother to call to ask how d8 was doing. Maybe I shouldn't have at least expected that, as who knows what goes on in her mind, but I would want to know how my daughter was the first day of moving out of the house..

d8 was amazingly good spirits as I brought her over to my new apartment, showed her her room and she played with me during the day and was in great spirits. She just amazes me how great a kid she is....

I cried on my way to group session today thinking about d8 and wondering why STBXW didn't even bother to call and ask how she was. I found myself also wondering after what STBXW was doing, and I so don't want to fall into the circular trap of wondering what she is doing all the time..

[iwantittowork]

So, STBXW called, I saw the number and thought it was d8 so I picked up.

Sort of another surreal conversation. I could tell she was upset, so she starts, and I almost got sucked back in..

S- Why was the sherrif at the house today?
IW- To serve you papers for the divorce?
S- So, were not trying to go through mediation any more?
IW- No
S- Fine...

S- Why did you move out and have to make this a surprise, and why you being rude to me and making this hard? I have not been rude or discourtous through this whole process..
IW- Uh, me being rude to you? I am the only one at risk here, and how is it you sitting at mediation telling me you needed to move on and start dating other men not rude to me??
S- Well, I didn't say I needed to start dating now.

At this point, I have realized I have already talked to much, so I end it:

IW- I did what I have done for me, not you, so please put d8 on the phone.
S- Fine.

I talked to d8 a bit, about her day, and just talking. She seemed good, so hope that continues.

[BigJohn]

IWITW,

Glad to hear you got out of the house without incident or unnecessary drama. I think you handled your departure the best way you could under the circumstances.

You need to forget about what your W is doing or saying right now. When I think about my current sitch, one analogy that works for me is being adrift in a lift raft with just my family. My W has guzzled a bunch of saltwater to quench her thirst, gotten delirious and has jumped overboard to swim to a tropical island that doesn't exist. She is gone, now it is just me and the kids and they are counting on me to pull them through this mess. The same applies to you. You are putting distance between yourself and a very dysfunctional situation/person for your own sake and self preservation. Some of what may be behind D8's positive reaction to your move may be due to some restoration of order and calmness to her life which you will be able to more effectively provide being separated from your W.

From what you describe, it also sounds like you may be starting to emotionally detach from your W, which if so is a really good thing. Once that happens (total detachment), you are going to start seeing things very objectively and you may not feel so sad when you do.

Hang in there my friend.

[iwantittowork]

BJ, thanks again for your comments on my sitch.

I swear I hope to someday get to meet some of you people in person. I would count that as one of the great blessings in my life.

I do feel I am detaching now a bit better. I actually have things I am looking forward to doing now going forward. I have lots to do, and been busy so that may be 'hiding' some of my feelings a bit, but that is not a bad thing either, I think.

Just this morning getting up for work later than I have in 9 years, and cutting my commute down to half what it used to be was a positive move. I'll take those little positives right now, and hope to build them into bigger ones as I progress.

[BigJohn]

I do feel I am detaching now a bit better. I actually have things I am looking forward to doing now going forward. I have lots to do, and been busy so that may be 'hiding' some of my feelings a bit, but that is not a bad thing either, I think.

Just this morning getting up for work later than I have in 9 years, and cutting my commute down to half what it used to be was a positive move. I'll take those little positives right now, and hope to build them into bigger ones as I progress.

IWITW,

Just like some of the more fortunate folks on here who are "piecing" their Ms back together, we LBSs have to do the same with ourselves and our lives. Keeping busy with things to keep yourself preoccupied is good, so is making plans for the future along with taking stock of all of the blessings in your life. Cutting down your commute time by half is huge.

I agree with you regarding meeting some of these people on the forums in person. They ought to put on a convention for all of us.

Well gotta go. I'll check in later.

[iwantittowork]

Well, today was my first day seeing STBXW when picking up d8 this morning.

She was just walking around in her bathrobe, and looked very tired and tense.

It was tougher than I thought it would be to look at her. At times I just want to shout at her: "HEY there's a good guy here that friggin loves you, wants to care for and provide for his family, and you, committed many mistakes but owns up to them, and working on himself daily to be a better man!!!!!

*sigh* I didn't say much to her, and she didn't say much to me, and I just walked out the door with d8 for the weekend....

[BigJohn]

Well, today was my first day seeing STBXW when picking up d8 this morning.

She was just walking around in her bathrobe, and looked very tired and tense.

It was tougher than I thought it would be to look at her. At times I just want to shout at her: "HEY there's a good guy here that friggin loves you, wants to care for and provide for his family, and you, committed many mistakes but owns up to them, and working on himself daily to be a better man!!!!!

*sigh* I didn't say much to her, and she didn't say much to me, and I just walked out the door with d8 for the weekend....

IWITW,

I know how you feel. It wasn't long ago that I wanted to scream those very same words to my W as well but she was (and remains) too far gone.

These Ws of ours cannot learn by hearing from us or anyone else who gives a damn about them, only by feeling and experiencing the negative consequences of their actions. Unfortunately for those around them, the emotional and financial costs are enormous.

Hope you have a good weekend with your D8.

[Gardener]

[Big John & IWITW
I agree with you regarding meeting some of these people on the forums in person. They ought to put on a convention for all of us.

I've been saying this for a while. Here we have dozens and dozens of decent, caring, committed people who believe in the sanctity of marriage and inviolate vows and who persevere in the face of horrendous obstacles.

We ought to be dating each other!