W: Thats convenient again after looking at the booard, is that why you acted the way you were? Once again I put something down in advance and now ur going out!
W: I can take the kids with me thats not a problem. I just figured you would bitch like last year.
M: I want to see my kids and trick or treat where ever thats is. last year is in the past I don't appreciate it being brought up now. Its not very attractive.
W: I'm not concerned about attractive! I listened to you last year and you didn't see them with me! So you can take them or go out! I'm sick of this stuff every time I put something on the board ur going out then. very fun gameand when where you going to let me know. Once again I plan something in plenty of time Very unattractive then!
M: ur right I'm no longer going to communicate through a white board and i called it first! I will not be taken for granted that I'm available to watch our kids whenever it goes up on a board.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I just realized last year the day before halloween i drove 340 miles to an interview. On halloween I started my interview at 8:00 am and didn't finish my interview until 4 pm. Drove 340 miles home. Got home about 8;30 9 o'clock. No one was home she had taken kids to friends house 30 miles away and didn't get home until late that night. I complained but she didn't care.
JJ
i can't shake this feeling of hopelessness.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I appreciate the advice. I was phsically and verbally abusive to her in the past. Does this all still apply. Can I still set boundries? I'm tired of being trampled on. If I stand up she will ask me to divorce her. This is not easy.
Did you ever apologize to her for those things? I mean a real apology and not just saying "sorry I did that to you".
You're allowed to apologize.
I wrote a post on indy's thread about the kind of apology to make and the power it has to do some healing, apologies have to be done in such a way that you convey how much you hurt her, you come across that you feel the pain that you induced on them and you aren't just saying sorry to make yourself better, you're doing it because you genuinely care and want to diffuse the pain that they may still feel over it, you are remorseful and want her to know that you think about it often.
Yes you can set boundaries.
Just because you were an ass back then, doesn't mean she can be one now, tit for tat as it were (did I just write tit? language police arrest me LOL!)
I just realized last year the day before halloween i drove 340 miles to an interview. On halloween I started my interview at 8:00 am and didn't finish my interview until 4 pm. Drove 340 miles home. Got home about 8;30 9 o'clock. No one was home she had taken kids to friends house 30 miles away and didn't get home until late that night. I complained but she didn't care.
JJ
i can't shake this feeling of hopelessness.
Let go of your expectations.
She can do what she wants to do.
The beauty is that you can do the same, you control you, you can't control her and even if you could, you wouldn't want to, wouldn't you want her love to be given freely to you? Otherwise how valuable is it?
W: Thats convenient again after looking at the booard, is that why you acted the way you were? Once again I put something down in advance and now ur going out!
W: I can take the kids with me thats not a problem. I just figured you would bitch like last year.
M: I want to see my kids and trick or treat where ever thats is. last year is in the past I don't appreciate it being brought up now. Its not very attractive.
W: I'm not concerned about attractive! I listened to you last year and you didn't see them with me! So you can take them or go out! I'm sick of this stuff every time I put something on the board ur going out then. very fun gameand when where you going to let me know. Once again I plan something in plenty of time Very unattractive then!
M: ur right I'm no longer going to communicate through a white board and i called it first! I will not be taken for granted that I'm available to watch our kids whenever it goes up on a board.
You know you can validate what she says, sounds like she may have some decent points but you made an excellent point at the end, I'm glad you said it, this is the truth, she can't make assumptions that you will always be available when she wants to go out.
Wife just sent me text mention for someone Else: Sorry, I shouldn't let lose on ya! This is my drama. So I hear your going up for the Halloween party instead of Gatlinburg!
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I did apologize. Told her that iwas wrong on all accounts and asked her to share the times she was especially hurt and I listened. You are spot on with I missed an opportunity to validate her feelings.
Thanks
jj
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
