Maybe I'm being too simplistic here, but what about sitting down with her and simply saying...
"I need to talk to you because I need your help. I am feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. This is not about sex; this is about feelings. I would like to see if we can come up with some ways to improve the situation for me."
... and then see where the conversation goes.
I would be prepared with a mental list of baby steps from your primary LLs, such as:
I would like you to hold my hand.
I would like you to hug me.
I would like you to sit with me when we watch TV.
I would like to hear your appreciation when I do something for you.
etc.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I would like to hear your appreciation when I do something for you.
Yep, you need to give examples of what you want. Just saying I want to feel loved, appreciated or noticed leaves too much room for interpretation. Looks weak too. It's good to ask for what you want.
On NPR thay have the one Foundation that sponsors shows and their mission statement is "For a just, fair and equitable world." Good luck meeting that goal.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But, I am only half our M, and I can't make you do any of that. What you choose to do is your decision. And I think the time has come for us to talk about what we are going to do.
Perhaps.
I have decided that this is the path that I am determined to follow. I will give you any additional infomation on counciling and Retrovaille that you require so you can make an informed decision. These choices will allow for you and I to openly communicate on both our futures. ( or change on both our futures to ... on our future. )
First take on an ending.....
Last edited by cutterbug; 10/21/0909:42 PM. Reason: added ()
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
One piece of recommendation from someone who has been down this path a bit before.
Before you make the request, make sure you get rid of your own resentment about the subject. Otherwise, you will ask for hugs, for example, and then instead of being resentful that she wasn't giving them, you will just transfer your resentment - and, for example, start resenting that you had to ask.
It's hard, but make sure you really feel compassion for her when you ask (and compassion for yourself, which is why you are asking).
I know, for my part, getting rid of the resentment while still retaining detachment and a desire to set the boundary is a hard thing to do.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I just wanted to heartily "Second!" Thinker's post.
Also ... maybe I'm offbase but I sense just a hint of this in some of your wording ... I think it's a great mistake to approach any discussion of your needs in an apologetic or defensive fashion where you wind up rationalizing your position. I'm not even going to weigh in with, "You're so reasonable to want a normal physically-intimate marriage", etc. You don't need me telling you. The important question is, do YOU believe you are reasonable to crave and ask for that? Do you think YOU deserve it, as much as anyone else? If you can't answer, resoundingly, "YES!!" to both those questions, you're not ready to have this talk. Women -- well, anyone, really -- can sense supplication.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I am probably the worst person to give advice on this, given you know where I currently am with my situation.
I personally think it is easier sometimes to have difficult conversations in public. I don't remember a time where I have ever seen a couple fight in public. Not saying it doesn't happen but the chance is very small for a "talk" to escalate.
The downside that I see is if the talk doesn't go well then you have the awkward ride home or the evening is cut short. I personally think having the conversation around your anniversary is a good time to talk about it unless you feel there will be strong emotions on both sides tied to that day and reflecting on the past.
Again, I would listen to others with more exp. than I but I did want to give my 2 cents.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
