You know what I decided last night, I'm okay exactly the way I am. In the last six months a lot of my resentment, bitterness, poor me, and chip on my shoulder have slowly gone away and I am happier, the real me is finally coming out.
All of my H's complaints about why he wasn't happy are his problem and just excuses/reason for what he is doing now. I could become the perfect woman and he'd still find something wrong with me. And, I could have been the perfect woman when he was realizing he wasn't happy and it still wouldn't have mattered either. I've been reading all the different sitchs of other LBS's and some of the R have been perfect, the LBS cooked, cleaned, thought they had a great R and then the S decides "hey I'm not happy"
So why am I trying to be a perfect cook, cleaner, perfect mother, etc. Everything I do to my H is wrong, well he's not there right now and I'm doing my best with raising a child, cooking for my son, cleaning, carrying on by myself. I can do this and am doing it.
My H is going to always find something wrong with what I'm doing and I'm not going to let him anymore. He's not happy, he has the problem not me, he needs to figure out what he's going to do, he needs to grow up and be a man. He's been so angry for so long that something has to give eventually. I mean he's going to wear himself out and kill himself eventually. That's the only place I see him going unless he snaps out of it...he just doesn't care!!
I'm going to stop fueling the fire. Just not respond to his critisms anymore because it just doesn't matter. I am going to start standing up to him and not let him push me around or make me feel bad becuase he feels bad anymore.
The last couple of weeks I keep saying I feel normal, well it dawned on me last night why that means. The anxiety is gone, the desparateness, the fear, the I can't live without H, it's gone for now. That's why I'm feeling normal again, like I did before this all happened. And his MLC is been going on well before he mentally checked out of this R.
Right now, I don't want him back the way he is OW can have him...until/unless he snaps out of his fog and realizes what he's left behind and that it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I got married my mom said that H was the best thing that ever happened to me, well she had it backwards I'm the best thing that ever happened to H.
I know, I know I'm ranting. But I need to get this out of me and put it here.
I also want to say that small changes are happening with H, I can see them, they are not consistent, but they are happening. I will continue to be ME around him, the new me, someone who is kind, thoughtful, considerate and loving AND someone who will not be intimated or afraid to speak her mind either. If H does make it out to the other side of what he's going threw I see him as being someone I would want to be with, because he does have some really great things going for him, things that drew me to him to begin with, but I only get rare glimpses of that man.
Well enough for now I suppose I should get some work done since I'm getting paid to be here....
