Not much new to report, H seemed to be out of the fog last night. He even initiated saying goodbye with a hug and kiss..a first. H was at the top of the rollercoaster on Monday, with his moodiness and accusations, Tuesday he was still kind of throwing stuff at me, but did a lot to help me around the house, last night he was a new person, the guy I remember when we first met So the fog has lifted...for now.
H and S19 are putting up tree stands and is taking S3 with, he did say unless I wanted to do something with S3 tomorrow..I said no he can go with you guys. In the past, when he said something like that I would have assumed he didn't want to take him and that he was dumping S3 on me. But last night I really listened and he geniunely meant "unless you want to do something with him" in that he knows I like spending time with S3 and taking him places, NOT that H wanted to dump him so that he didn't have to deal with him. I hope that makes sense, it does to me.
He called a little while ago, was rained out at work, and said he was picking up S3 from daycare and they were heading up over night. H said so now I can go out with my boyfriend..which to me means I could have the time to myself. H was very pleasant on the phone, also
I need to really practice listening and validating, I'm usually an hour short, meaning I don't catch on right away. The light doesn't click on right away and not quite sure how to conquer that, maybe by REALLY listening...
I guess I should have added "or are my lights finally coming on" to my new title. I feel like I'm observing this whole sitch as a third party. I know what's going on now, I know what I need to do, but can I do without blowing it. It kind of feels like I'm walking a tightrope.
H just called he's on his way back with sons, they've been gone since last night. Putting up treestands for bowhunting. Lots of time to myself or maybe way too much time to myself. I'm beginning to feel like I don't need as much time to myself as I thought I did. I didn't get up till almost nine this morning, which is a first in about three months. I exercised, cleaned, went shopping...I don't really like to shop on the weekend because the stores are soo busy and I live so close that I can go after work which is when the mall, etc., isn't as busy.
Anyway, I feel myself getting anxious and wish I had plans to do something tonight. Most of my friends are busy this weekend.
I miss my son, I'm so used to having him here with me. I really don't know what I would do without him.
I feel like I did about a year ago today, like there's nothing exciting in my life, today is just a normal day in my life and I don't like it too much. I want excitement and stuff going on. I guess what I'm getting at is, it's not good for me to spend too much time by myself and that I do like having a lot going on. Now this is different than the way I used to feel, like a year ago. I always wanted lots of time to myself and I'm finding now I like lots going on in my life, I like being busy, I like being a little tired, I like excitement and want to be involved, I want a life. I like my life the way it is right now, I'm learning and growing, I'm LIVING is what I'm doing and haven't done that in a long, long time. I"m working on myself, I'm working on better relationships, I feel good about that. A year ago I was more worried about things happening at work then I was about my marriage, my H, the most important person in my life, except I didn't realize that and took him for granted. I remember obsessing about the silliest things at work, losing sleep over them in fact, like entering data a certain way and people not doing it that way...I mean THAT was important! Not!.. were my priorities mixed up. Now I'm learning to let go of the little things.
I'm rambling, but need to put this down for now. I'll be back later.
Hope everyone's having a good weekend. Welcome to the newcomers, this is a great place to be.
Cathy
I think I'm just rambling, so will come back later.
So I just had a conversation with H. We are both listed on a joint account and when the mail comes like that I open it. H accuses me of opening his mail, he does this right after he opens an envelope with his pocketknife and points it at me and says "you haven't been opening my mail again have you." I said both of our names are on it and so I'm not opening his mail.
So we proceed to argue about it, which in looking back was stupid. He talked about it having it changed, I say that's fine, maybe too lightly and flippant, so he then says it really doesn't matter anyways does it? Well it obviously mattered to him a few minutes earlier and when I pointed that out he said I'm leaving "if you're going to be an a**h*** about it! I then said leave this house and don't come back. He says I'll come back here whenever I want to. I said not if you're going to call me names you're not. He just stopped and stared at me, like he couldn't believe I said it. I then said thank you for taking son this weekend I'm sure he had a good time. Bye.
I'm really upset, too. Upset that he said what he said, upset that he pointed his pocketknife at me, upset that I told him to leave the house. I've never told him that, but I'm tired of him calling me names. I'm not going to take it anymore.
Here I was thinking he was coming out of the fog or tunnel or cave or whatever, grow up!!!
And my peaceful weekend just turned ugly Surprise, surprise, actually it's not surprising. Luckily I'm recovering a lot quicker than I used to, this would have me awake all night, now I'm going to have some ice cream and enjoy the rest of my evening.
S3 was beat, he tromped around the woods all day with H and his brother, so he's asleep for the night.
Okay - so he then says it really doesn't matter anyways does it?
Here's where HE held out an olive branch to stop the argument - and you ran on
Quote: Well it obviously mattered to him a few minutes earlier and when I pointed that out
I recognize this pattern because I too have trouble letting go of an argument when I KNOW I'M RIGHT!
Look - he was wrong to call you names and it's appropriate to tell him you don't appreciate that kind of language. But can you see how from his point of view you WERE being kind of a jerk? After all, even though he started it, he was able to recognize it was a stupid argument that should be dropped - but you weren't. And after he'd just done some good behaviors that should have been rewarded.
(BTW - my H kinda has that thing about mail too - I always open the mail, and used to just toss the junk mail that came in his name etc. - eventually realized that he just missed that ritual of opening mail - so now I make sure to save some things for him to open. In your H's case, that might make him feel a little more "at home" )
IMHO - you owe him an apology for letting a little thing get blown out of proportion - tell him you recognize that he tried to call a halt to it. Maybe you can even figure out what was REALLY bothering you?
LOL you're too quick. Ohhhh, I was coming back here because it just dawned on me that him saying "it doesn't matter anyway" was him trying to stop the nonsense.
I blew it didn't I, I WAS being a jerk. I sometimes find myself pushing the envelope, meaning being upbeat, but maybe being a little too flippant.
I do want to apologize, but don't know how to do that meaning I either leave a voicemail for him on his cellphone or wait till he calls again. Any suggestions?
I really want to ask him what he meant by that also. I feel bad now.
Quote: Maybe you can even figure out what was REALLY bothering you?
It bothers me that he says it's his mail, when it's our mail. He's always been like this, we each have our checking account and his money is his and mine his mine, so this is what really bothers me. Maybe I was looking for a fight, my day was pretty boring, who knows.
So is leaving a voicemail an okay way to say I'm sorry? I will not call him at OW's house or do I wait till he calls me again or do I wait until Monday morning when he has his cell back on.
I did leave a voicemail for my H last night saying I was sorry for acting like a jerk and that he's always welcome here. When I want to say I'm sorry I need to do it right away. If I wait too long then I don't say it, I feel that I have to do apologize right away and with the situation we're in voicemail is the only way.
I will bring it up again tomorrow something like this:
H did you get my message? I'm sorry for not letting the mail thing drop. It hurts my feelings and makes me feeling like a bad person when you say "don't open MY mail" I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, but so you know why I reacted the way I did. I'm sorry.
I didn't focus on him either, I was more worried about what I was going to say when he said something. I just don't listen to him, I have to get my two cents in, and my big mouth gets me in trouble, like it used to. Maybe I'm trying hard, trying to act like "I don't care" rather than "act as if" I'm struggling here.....or maybe I'm beating myself up over something that really wasn't that big of a deal, but it is in my head.
I wanted to ask, do people feel it's better to apologize in person or is it okay to leave a voicemail? Or, is it different for everybody? Or should I being asking H?
One more thing, H has a big problem with me chaning my mind all the time. I made plans to visit a friend today, but now I don't feel like going, it's an hour drive and there are things I'd like to do around here. So H asked me last night if I was going and I said "I don't know" and he did what he usually does, "geeeeez" really long and drawn out...so I feel like I can't change my mind. Why can't I? He does all the time, or he waits till the very last minute to commit but has a huge problem with me changing my mind and then I feel bad, I feel like I have to go. My gf will understand, she might not like it, but she'll understand.
Yesterday my H and sons were putting up treestands all day and I felt left out, I guess I'm realizing I'd rather be with them than sitting here by myself. I also remember at one point feeling like my mom, my dad and bros used to all go hunting and my mom would sit at home waiting for them to come back, make the meal, serve them, etc. I don't want to be like that I'd rather be a part of the action rather than the one sitting at home.
I would suggest not brining up the mail issue again. You called an apologized...just use what you learned the next time (if he does) make the comment about you opening "his" mail.
Quote: Yesterday my H and sons were putting up treestands all day and I felt left out, I guess I'm realizing I'd rather be with them than sitting here by myself. I also remember at one point feeling like my mom, my dad and bros used to all go hunting and my mom would sit at home waiting for them to come back, make the meal, serve them, etc. I don't want to be like that I'd rather be a part of the action rather than the one sitting at home.
Is there some reason why you can't go outside and help your sons and their father?
Quote: Is there some reason why you can't go outside and help your sons and their father?
Nooo there isn't a reason, except they left Friday night and stayed at H's parents. I thought I wanted the day to myself, but I really didn't have any plans, so ended up not doing too much. And it wasn't till later that I realized I really do like being with them and that I really don't need all this time to myself. Here was the plan, originally I was to go up also, except to shoot my bow with gf, but she had to switch the day to Sunday, today. So until that happened, I was planning on being up there and was going to help. blah, blah, blah I guess it really doesn't matter. So a light bulb came on, but not till later in the day. What is the saying hindsight is 20/20? I really don't know what it means though. So it was an awakeing on my part.
And, when they did come back last night, S3 was out for the night SS19 and dad were beat. They were pretty much uncommunicative, I asked a few questions, which neither answered. I like to know what S3 eats/drinks as it sometimes predicts his mood, so I did get answers to those questions. Othewise it was like talking to walls, I was trying to much to make conversation.
At one point, I did catch H staring at me, I was sitting on the couch, kind of smiling as I was watching TV and I looked at H and he had been staring at me...probably wondering why I was smiling.
Quote: Othewise it was like talking to walls, I was trying to much to make conversation.
sometimes when we stop trying to make conversation, conversation makes itself.
Quote: At one point, I did catch H staring at me, I was sitting on the couch, kind of smiling as I was watching TV and I looked at H and he had been staring at me...probably wondering why I was smiling.
So the fog has lifted...for now.
Surprise, surprise, actually it's not surprising. Luckily I'm recovering a lot quicker than I used to, this would have me awake all night, now I'm going to have some ice cream and enjoy the rest of my evening.
very