I have acted as what you have told me. I waited for him to wake up just now (3.15am) and tell him "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman." I have added alot of my sincere thoughts to him too. "I don't want to share my husband with another person, I cannot go any further than that and the family is willing to walk through this hurdle with you". He really listens this time, no sign of frustration though he is rushing to work. I just spent 10 mins to tell him of my limit and the decision lies with him whether he wants the family or the OP. He was quietly sitting while I finished what I need to say and move away. I started to pray so hard that he will choose the family.
He came over to me and we hug each other, never have one so real and I told him I am really in pain and suffering. He cried and holding me. I hold him so tight that I really don't wish he will choose the OP. He insisted me to go to sleep and everything will be fine when I wake up. At this point, though I should not believe what he say, I really can feel that he is sincere to work things out. I really want to pray to God for giving me this strength to tell him and courage to face his choice if he really choose to leave. I told him to tell me his decision tonight and I will prepare for the worst and continue to pray to God for his love for the family.
I am not sure how well this will go on but just for that moments, I can see that he really know the pain I am going through. I just hope and pray to God that H wil really wakes up and come back for good.
I hope I am heading towards a positive and favourable situation. And we are able to make to a stronger marriage and family. Pls advise what you think will be his choice....
I have no idea what he will choose, and you can't control it. And even God Himself can't force it upon him, for He gave us all free will, right?
My advice to you would be that -- now that you have laid out your primary boundary ("I will not live in an open marriage") -- you need to convey STRENGTH to your husband, and that YOU TOO have some decisions to make, in light of his infidelity.
Once you told him that, you should have just SHUT UP and not gone all "needy/grabby" on him. It's not going to work if you come across to him like a pathetic lost little puppy, hoping "Oh please choose ME! Please choose ME!" He has torn a whole right in the middle of your heart, and blasted a bigger one in the middle of his family, all because of his own confusion, entitlement and selfishness. He needs to know that you can forgive him, yes, but he also needs to feel the FULL WEIGHT of that Choice.
Does that make sense? Can you look back on your post, and see what I mean?
It's okay, it's over now, but please PULL WAAAYYY BACK now. The ball is in his court.
Beauty, puppy is always right! you have told him of your boundary, and now its time to snap closed and let him truly feel what having a wife who wont be in an open marriage really feels like. Pull back and start to do things that will convey the message that you are moving on.
Maybe you shouldnt have shown him your vulnerability right then, but its passed now and all you can do is make sure that it doesnt happen again. That desperation is not attractive and it wont win you any points in the "grass is greener" department.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I understand and know now what you are telling me. I just discovered that he didnt take out his shirt last night at home (which he use to) and I am now very sure it could be he has alot of love bits and he slept with that OP YESTERDAY. How am I to accept this? I have decide to go for divorce. I can't go any further. If I really feel like ending my life now. I hate my life!!!!!! I hate him!!!!!!!
You need to settle the hell down, Beauty. If your first reaction is going to be to quit, and go for divorce, then you're NOT going to be able to do the hard work necessary to DB.
This is a MONTHS-long process, not days or even weeks.
Do you love him? Isn't your marriage worth fighting for? I can't remember if you have kids or not, but is this what you want others to know about you, that you CUT AND RUN as soon as it gets difficult?
Beauty, Have you talked to your doctor at all about this? I highly recommend using antidepressants if you need them, or anti-anxiety medications.
The bottom line is that you need to calm down and be very deliberate with your actions over the next little while. No matter what choice you make as to the future of your marriage, you need to make that choice in a calm and centered way.
None of this happens over night, it didnt take a few weeks for things to go down hill did it? You arent going to be able to fix them in a few weeks either.
Most importantly, if he is having an A, the best thing that you can do right now is make sure that he sees you as a better alternative if things in the A become less than perfect. A's almost always fail. Built on lies and secrets, how can they be sucessful? But its important for you to realize that while he is involved with an OP, the things that you say, no matter how heart felt, or poigniant, will not get to him. You need to take this time to focus on you.
Have you set goals for yourself, or started getting a life? What are your 180's? I think that you can use this new anger to motivate yourself to get out there and start on a great new path for yourself!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Listen to PDT and BR, BM. Like I told you, this is going to be a journey measured in months, if not years. Yes, you feel doubly betrayed because H confessed to the affair, stated his intention to work at the M, and now he seems to have slept with OW just 12 hours ago.
Remember, believe not a single thing he says, and 50% of what he does. I listen to you, and I hear the anger but also a desire for your M back that is not expressed in your posts here.
You need to detach, and there's no better place to get help on doing so than here. Don't stop reading DR. Make sure you keep your appointment with the doctor to refill your anti-depression meds. Stop letting the kids be used as proxies in the "war" between you and H. At once. Both of you need to stop doing this immediately.
You're going to have a probable challenging talk with H in a few hours. Gather your faith, strength, and courage. Yes, I know the pain is incredible, the hurt is agony, you want to punish him and you want revenge and "justice". That's why you need to detach. That's why you need to remember that you've always said you wanted your M and the H you married back. You have to stand up for what you want then, because right now, there ain't anyone else that's gonna do it for you ...
PDT: I think she meant "love bites". That H confessed to the A, promised to end it yesterday. Then hugged her and cried with her in the wee hours this morning before going back to his room, and she thinks he did that while covered with fresh hickies from OW. That kind of pushed her buttons.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Thanks for all the advices so far, helping me to be strong.I have been taking antidepressant since 3 years ago and so far it has been helping me to cope with my mood swing but even though I increase the dosage this round, the setback is too huge for me to handle. Meeting the pyscharist soon.
There are some changes in situation a few days ago, cutting the story short, I managed to have full control over him during these period. He started to notice my change and felt my attractiveness. But all these were shortlived, yesterday my son was feeling so uncomfortable during Mass session that I have to send him to the hospital. I called him and he wasn't too concern at all and didnt even mentioned rushing to hospital to see him. I was mad with his action, he has no heart for the family and why does he still say he want the family, I was totally disappointed then.
Back at home, I tried to talk to him about our issues, having already set the 1st boundary - "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing the OW", I told him that I need to set rules, first that I need him to show me evidence that he break up with the OW and he need to gain back my trust in him and showed me the sms in his phone. He refused the first rule and at first also refused on the 2nd rule, but I told him that will only be able to let me have peace of mind that the affair has ended, so he reluctantly agreed. Then he went to sleep.
I chatted with my sis in law during his sleeping time and I realised that his unfatihful act was way back to the year where his siblings "accused" (according to him) him which I didnt believe what they said back then. I even stop talking to them thinking that they are trying to break up our marriage (what a idiot naive person I was to believe him). He was given a chance to repent (he tried to drink the detergent liquid) but he still continue his acts.
I was very affected by the news and after he wakes up and get the whole family to go out for dinner. The thoughts of giving up our marriage suddenly came to my mind. This man that I married continuously making mistakes after mistakes and he has never repent at all. I looked at my kids from their back view (while they were walking in front of us) and my tears drop. I tell myself, would I want to go on like this. I wanted so much to hold on to this marriage for the kids, but am I going to be bluff for the rest of my life (he has yet taking any action to end his affair) and he wants the best of both world. He keep saying give him time to settle his relationship but I don't know when.Is he asking me to let him be while he still can be with the family? At this very point, I have made up my decision to divorce him cos I know I won't be able to have him back anymore. He has been showing me that his love for the OW is so strong that he will not be able to end it. So what is the point of having him in the house and marriage when his heart is no longer here.
When I have made up the decision to divorce, I suddenly have a moment of peace in my mind. I know the huge impact on the kids but I am sure I will be able to pull through with the help of my family members (I told the 2nd sis last night and she is going to let his other brother knows too).
I am not sure whether what I did is right or wrong but I just feel that forcing him to stay in this marriage will make all of us suffer. I know that my life without him might not be smooth but at least I know that I don't have to suffer the pain of sharing my husband with the OW (anyway he loves the OW so much than me) and I can focus my mind on my kids. I was given this word "I got nothing to lose" and I will make extra effort to cope the emotion of my kids.
I am really calm and peaceful after I made the decision. Pray to God that my kids are able to pull through this failure marriage with me for I will give them all the genuine love I have which their daddy is not able to give.
