I am in the same situation as Katie, just need to check if I insist on him not to see the OW (while he already told me he needs time to settle the relationship), will he feels that I am pushing me out from our marriage? He did said he wants to work on our marriage but just need time to "settle". When is the best time to tell him about stopping? Our talk was just 8 hours ago.
For your advise asap.
There is no "best time," and you can't give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums are controlling.
What you DO need to lay out -- FOR YOURSELF -- are boundaries.
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OW" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting her by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
(these last two are only AFTER a wayward spouse has expressed that they want to come back to the marriage and try to reconcile)
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
In your case, you should tell him "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman." And then you have to lay out in your own mind, a deadline. Do not communicate this deadline to him. ONLY do this if you MEAN it, and it is -- truly -- a dealbreaker.
I would assume that living in an open marriage is, indeed, a dealbreaker for you.
"I need time to settle the relationship" is bullchit; it only takes five minutes to write a "no-contact" letter and have you mail it for him. What he wants is to eat cake.
How did you leave your convo 8 hours ago? You should start your own thread, so we don't hijack BeautyMe's any further.
