Journaling...

I have still been on a soul-searching journey and I am coming to the conclusion that I have been dis-honoring myself.

I have accepted whatever crumbs my husband has thrown my way because I am supposed to love him unconditionally.

I have bowed down and been a doormat because I am afraid to be on my own.

I have been overwhelmed by fear, shame, anguish, shock and a whole range of other emotions.

I have allowed myself to become lost due to my husbands actions.

I haven't been the greatest Mother due these actions.

I have lived in denial for the past 3 1/2 months.

I keep thinking if I "ignore" the affair, it will end and all will return to normal, however there is no normal anymore.

I have been living in an emotional hell since March and it just gets darker and darker.

This is my fault though, I allowed myself to get to this place in order to try and save my family and my marriage.

Admitting it here doesn't make it any easier however at the time, I just wanted to do what I thought was the best for all parties involved.

You know how I feel about divorce and that hasn't changed, however I have been rethinking my stance on other things.

Somehow, someway I have got to find my way out of this damn hole I have allowed myself to fall in.

May All Who Seek To Take My Life
Be Put To Shame And Confusion;
May All Who Desire My Ruin
Be Turned Back In Disgrace.
~Psalm 40:14~