She sure has a strange way of showing "done"-ness.
She sure does. She called again this morning and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. Sure, what is it? Did you take that woman off you FB? No. Why not? I said, it's like this, she's a friend and that's all there is to it. You're not going to dictate who I'm going to be friends with. She said, I don't have a problem with you being friends with anybody else, just her. I asked, why that was. She said, I think there's something going on between you two. I assured her that there was not, just friends. She lives in another state, how much contact do you really think there is? She said, I'm not going to be able to get past this. She said, I won't be romantically involved with you if she doesn't come off your FB and I go on. I said, ok, I guess I'll talk to you later and hung up.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Great, she called my mobile and left a very long voice mail about how she knows she has done wrong and if I care about her I will take this other woman off my FB account as a gesture of showing that I want things to work out. She said again that she doesn't think she can get past this. She asked if I would please take her off. So, still trying to control in some capactiy or another.
Something I failed to mention from our previous conversation is that I told her she wasn't going to control me or give me ultimatums anymore and that she was the one who told me to get friends. I told her that I thought it was BS that she didn't like the freinds that I had chosen and that I thought it was further BS that just because she has gone outside the marriage and done bad things that she should automatically assume that I have done so as well. She maintains that because we spoke on the phone for more than 2 hours on time that there is more to the friendship. I said, once again, just because you did it doesn't mean that I have. Reminds me of a line in Pirates of the Caribbean, "Of the two of us, only one of us is a mutineer, so, we will taking my word, the one who is not. Replace mutineer with adulterer(not sure if its spelled correctly, but you get the picture).
So, what now? I really don't feel like playing this game.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
What now? Well if you dont think she will agree to counseling to work on her immature, controling personality then I guess you just have to decide if you are willing to accept her for who she is.
If not you both will continue where you left off. Which with no trust will be nearly impossible to have any kind of meaningful R.
You never answered how your daughter is holding up? For a girl not to want a R with her mother could be very damaging. Not that she is not justified for her feelings.
Great, she called my mobile and left a very long voice mail about how she knows she has done wrong and if I care about her I will take this other woman off my FB account as a gesture of showing that I want things to work out. She said again that she doesn't think she can get past this. She asked if I would please take her off. So, still trying to control in some capactiy or another.
You never answered how your daughter is holding up? For a girl not to want a R with her mother could be very damaging. Not that she is not justified for her feelings.
She is doing as well as can be expected. She is trying out for basketball right now and is very busy with her schoolwork. She is just ready for it to be over either way. She doesn't like drama. She did make a comment the other day that she thought that me and her mom were a mess without each other. I laughed. My goal has been to keep her focused on other things and it seems to be working well for the most part. She did spend the weekend with her mother but the priorites are still messed up. She asked her mother if she would take her to the library and she said no but they went to a movie later? So, schoolwork is not a priority but entertainment is.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Sorry to hear that she is not making her a priority. Make X is the same way. Her business comes first no matter how long she has my daughter sitting at daycare.
It's sad that your 13 yr old sounds more mature. That is a lot of pressure on her to feel like she has to be the "grown-up" in their interactions.
I really hope your W wakes up soon before she causes any serious damage.
Has she always been this immature and dramatic? Or is she experiencing some kind of MLC?
She sure has a strange way of showing "done"-ness.
She sure does. She called again this morning and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. Sure, what is it? Did you take that woman off you FB? No. Why not? I said, it's like this, she's a friend and that's all there is to it. You're not going to dictate who I'm going to be friends with. She said, I don't have a problem with you being friends with anybody else, just her. I asked, why that was. She said, I think there's something going on between you two. I assured her that there was not, just friends. She lives in another state, how much contact do you really think there is? She said, I'm not going to be able to get past this. She said, I won't be romantically involved with you if she doesn't come off your FB and I go on. I said, ok, I guess I'll talk to you later and hung up.
OH GOOD LORD, John. Do you even LISTEN to yourself?? This was all unnecessary.
Not only should you have started off with:
Her: Can I talk to you for a minute?
You: I'm sorry, but I was just out the door on my way to do something. I'll have to catch up with you later. Bye!
But if you DID engage her, you should have:
Her: Did you take that woman off of FB?
You: I don't think so; why?
Her: Why not?
You: Because I didn't want to.
Her: I don't have a problem with you being friends with anybody else, just her:
You: I'm sorry you feel that way. Look, I was just on my way out the door, was there anything else?
etc.
SHE NO LONGER DESERVES YOUR JUSTIFICATIONS OR RESPONSES, JOHN. She is "done," remember? Her rights to wife-ness ended when she fled your marriage and screwed around with other men.
Have you learned NOTHING from the thousands of posts that people have given you on here???
Yeah, it's great that your WORDS said "You're not going to dictate who I'm going to be friends with," but your ACTIONS -- answering the phone, engaging with her, and then gracing her with answers and justifications to her petty little controlling fears and tactics -- your ACTIONS say otherwise. Your ACTIONS say "You're still my wife, you DO still get to dictate things to me, but I'm just ANNOYED by it now. But I'm still thinking about it."
She said, I don't have a problem with you being friends with anybody else, just her. I asked, why that was. She said, I think there's something going on between you two. I assured her that there was not, just friends. She lives in another state, how much contact do you really think there is?
Noooooo!!!!!
GO BACK AND RE-READ ROBX'S AND GUCCI'S POSTS.
You should have said:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. Gotta run, I'm halfway out the door and have to be somewhere. We'll catch up later in the week, okay? Bye!"
Do NOT reassure her that you're not interested in this woman. "a" she no longer deserves your reassurances and justifications (see above), and "b" you're killing the mystique of letting her feel like she's lost you. If you don't want her back, then "a" applies. If you DO, then "b" does. But either way, your response should be the same.
