Counseling conundrums

[SpyBunny]

My previous thread got too long and was locked.

Here's my last couple posts form there to start things off:

The C didn't table the topic, not his fault, I kept it to myself.

Maybe the C doesn't even know what to do about that issue, it's pretty off the wall- Communication issues are easy places to start. Did I mention that the C's undergrad degree is from Bringham-Young University? I saw it on his wall- that place doesn't exactly have a rep as a hot-bed of sexual experimentation. My IC liked him after talking to him on the phone, and says he "gets it". I don't know what his exact plan is- I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he knows what he's doing.

Maybe the C thinks the swinging issue is off the table since H isn't pushing for it at the moment. He's left it with the C at "no guarantee for the future." Maybe it's just an ongoing issue in my own head because I don't see it as resolved. Not only no guarantee, but no acknowledgment that it hurt me.

I'll get it figured out eventually.

[PMA_Baby!]

Great!?! when you do, let me and the rest know what your thinking.

This is really sad. With all the crap you are going through. All the manipulation, guilt, ABUSE all your C could talk about was Love Languages!?! Was he holding a "marriage counseling for dummies book!?!" Seriously, either you are seriously downplaying the severity of this NUT for YOU to your C or he is LOST.

It's time you stand up for what you believe in!!! Next, C session when your C starts in about this "light" crap you should respectfully interupt and say "hey no disrespect but im dealing with some REAL issues here. NO Offense but Im going to walk if we dont start discussing these CRITCAL ISSUES LIKE ABUSE, CONTROL, RESPECT... Time to set your Boundaries. Unfortunately, I doubt your Hubby will take you seriously. It will probably just turn him on by triggering the "Predator" inside of him that likes to dominate and make submissive (Hence any "man" that enjoys seeing his W being screwed by other guys. Makes me sick...)

We are all just trying to help you do what's best for you and your kids. Living with this narscisstic, abusive, jerk is NOT it.

I really hope when the time comes for him to choose between you and being selfish that he chooses YOU and the FAMILY. But, that time will only come when you have STOOD UP for yourself and tell him what you REALLY NEED and WANT.

Also, I agree with the moderator about calling the DB line if you can afford it. I think I have one session left that I never used that I would be happy to give you if they would allow it. I think it's worth $100 or so.

God Speed. PMA

[SpyBunny]

We are all just trying to help you do what's best for you and your kids.

I know, I love you all for it.

I'll look into the DB sessions. I hadn't really considered it before, because honestly, I didn't know if this was the right place for me when I first started. My situation didn't seem to match the usual poster, and I really didn't expect anybody to respond to my first post. I needed somewhere to scream and cry at the time and somehow landed here. Thank you all for listening and responding- I am amazed at everybody's generosity of spirit here.

Tonight I'm working on my boundary steps like Coach had in his new thread. That was really helpful to read.

[SpyBunny]

One last thing, then I'll pipe down for the day...

The C asked that we give it another month- meaning that we are both all in, exposing our vulnerabilities, risking hurt, and letting go of our "escape plans" during this time (mine is the apartment, H's is his swinger's profile). We're about a week and a half into it at this point. That puts the "Do we continue MC or not?" discussion just before Thanksgiving. Not great timing, really lousy timing with the holidays in fact, but I guess I'm committed for the 3 sessions until then.

Yes, I am still somewhat in denial- I can hardly even say the word "abusive" when talking about my M. I don't know why, but I can't, and it was shocking the first time I heard it applied to my M. It's incredibly hard to shift your perspective when you've been living with a situation for a long time, you get used to it, develop coping mechanisms, maybe even get brainwashed. I am working on changing my mind set, but it's slow going at times. Actually it goes in spurts- I'll have good progress, then backslide a bit. I really am trying to stop the backslides.

[PMA_Baby!]

Totally understandable. In fact, most of us can relate to the feeling of losing your identity to the other person. That is why most of us are here. That is why it is critical to figure what your boundaries are so you can enforce them for your well-being and his. I had no idea how controlling my x was until I was detached from the R and M. Only then did I see what kind of monster I was dealing w. Adultery was only the tip of the iceberg. It's amazing what a spouse put's up with in the name of what we "think" is "Love".

Good Luck. PMA

[SpyBunny]

I spoke briefly to my IC this evening. She told me that the MC is probably not going to bring up the deeper topics unless I do because the MC will risk H walking out if he does. I'm going to to take the lead next time, even if it does piss H off. So what else is new? I think I want to print out some of my old posts and put them together into something comprehensive that I can refer to.

H hasn't given me any feedback about MC sessions. He shows up and that's it. I'm not sure that doing the bare minimum counts for a whole lot. If he's not going to take it to heart, why is he bothering to go? (It was a NUT for me. He recognized it as a requirement for working on this marriage, but he needs to put some extra effort in) I thought I would try asking to see what he thought of the last session. Since it was a non-confrontational one for him, he might be more willing to say something. I got the brunt of that session. Actually, it seems like I'm getting the brunt in most of them. Try again next week- with my notes.

[Dia]

Hi, Bunny,

This may sound odd...

There are several reasons you are getting the brunt of the sessions.

1) You are the stronger partner of the two of you, so the MC knows you can handle it.

2) The MC is trying to show your H that she can be fair and not favor you. Unfortunately, since your H is a narcissist, this just reinforces his idea that it's YOU who's screwed up.

3) MC is still trying to gain H's trust.

4) You're more willing to talk, so that makes it easy for the MC and she hopes H will learn by example.

Now then, since you've already got the lead, you might as well use it. Bring up the big issues. Be dead level about you you feel. If you don't feel heard, either by your H or by the MC, say so. Come right out and say, "I'm not feeling heard."

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Bunny)))))

I think Dia is right. Especially numbers 2 and 3. With your H, I'm not sure it is going to have the desired outcome.

[sgctxok]

Hi SpyBunny,

I have been divorced since late 1994. I came to the board for a later relationship in 2001...and have stuck around ever since. So--I'm glad you're here (not for your trouble, but I think it IS a good place to help you). There are more people here in similar situations than you think. Many just cannot admit it and don't describe it the same way.

So I was married 10 years and it was abusive, and it took me a long time to admit it. And when I did and divorced....it didn't 'ring true' to some of my friends because I didn't talk about it with them. I wasn't getting beaten up all the time and the cops didn't come to the house.

What I have learned with DB and your counselor may see differently and so may not be as helpful (I haven't read all of your posts but your situation touched me and I wanted to post to you)...is that it takes ACTION to change. Not words. Not discussions.

Your H CAN change, but only if he wants to. And he isn't likely to want to until YOU change. You change the way you interact with him. He MUST respond differently, favorably or not.

And you DO need an escape plan. Don't ever think you don't. Hopefully you'll never need to use it, but be ready.


DB coaching is really very good. I recommend Laurie and Dotty because of seen a lot of their posts and a lot of the feedback on them. If I were calling, I'd ask for one of them.


I wish you peace. I wish you love. And I wish you joy. Lots of it.

[sgctxok]

^