Part of me thinks that is a great idea but then part of me thinks it is bad because of the kids. I love him..I do. But Stronger..really..I just do not know how to get through to him. Really..when he left and came back the other night I just feel like it was a cry for help. It seems like a big game. What do I do? Should we stop hanging out as a family? Should I give in to him when he wants to cuddle? I am trying to think of a big 180 I could do to get his attention..I just do not know.
He drinks. He treats you like sh*t. He leaves and you take him back. He wants to have sex and you accommodate him whenever he wants it.
And you think if you kick him out it would be bad for the kids? As if having him in the house isn't already bad for the kids???
Your husband sounds like an emotionally abusive alcoholic who has no interest in bettering himself- and why should he? He can walk all over you and you come back and say "please sir- may I have some more?"
Putting him out just may be the wake up call he needs. If not- much as I like MWD and her philosophy, not every marriage is worth saving.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Arwen..you are so right. My H and I have this great great friendship or did....we still do, he is just very bitter towards me. He blames me for everything right now. He went back to sleeping in our basement for some reason this week but I guess I just need to stop analyzing and do something. I blame myself for everything..the alleged A, his feelings toward me now. I am running in circles trying to make myself as attractive as I can be but does he care..NO! Does he even notice? Does it fill the void? NO WAY! The fact that he stopped saying ILY..part of that I think has to do with the fact that I do not say it...but who knows..took off his wedding ring and sleeps in the basement SUCKS! I dont want to deal with this anymore. I am losing my patience and nothing seems to be working. All the db on the planet..except for the fact that when he left last sat..he came back..he came back because he knew that I did not care if he left...and the next night he apologized for leaving... So..instead of kicking him out..what do I do to really get his attention?? To say..I dont want to lose her and I better shape up!
You need to read Patrick Swayze's autobiography written with his wife. She left him. For a year but was meaning to leave him for good because she didn't think he would stop drinking and emotionally abusing her. She left. He took a year to get it together but it was her leaving that finally snapped him out of it. Patrick Swayze. Not some slim bucket or another sleaze ball....the hunk Patrick Swayze.
What I'm saying is your real husband is in there, but he's got on a drunk confused mask now that's taken over. You need to figure out what's right for you. How long can you do this?
I have stopped DB. I am just now focusing on myself and my children. I am tired of the games. Sunday night he wants me to sleep on the couch with him so I do. He says things like you know me like no one else...I did not respond then I hear nobody loves me...and he asked what are we doing and I said I dont know what do you want to do..same old questions..I then went to bed after he fell asleep. The next morning he comes into my room and tries to ML I said unless you put your ring on and be a H I do not want to ML. He refused. So I said then you need to get your stuff and leave..he was MAD!!!! Oh well..On Saturday, I ended up leaving my house with the kids because we went to a halloween event I forgot my wallet he was MAD..we were only 2 mins. away from our house, he said I am not going, got 2 more beers and went home, I left without him, normally I would have come back. When I got home 2 hours later in front of my 5 year old D he said we need to talk about me leaving tomorrow, I said I am putting D to bed...I put her to bed and I said fine that is your choice and I am sorry you feel that way..he proceeded to want to cuddle. He was mad bc I left him there..he is really starting to affect my D with all his leaving BS and bad behavior in front of her. I am tired of the games. I am a good wife and I am doing my part. How much longer should I put up with someone who may or may not want to be with me? THis is NOT about me anymore! This is about HIM and how he feels!
The past couple of days have been hard. I do love my H very much and it is hard not to say that to him. I wish my marriage was not falling apart but there is nothing I can do. He does not love me and he does not want to be with me. Not sure what the cuddling stuff is about. I want to be married to him but right now he does not want to be a family. Not sure why he gets so upset when I ask him to leave. Is that not what he wants??? I still do not understand WHY oh WHY I am not good enough for him!
Swimming- this is what I am hearing from you "he wants me to do this, so I do"...
"I told him to leave, and then when he wanted to talk about it, I said I am sorry you feel that way"...
If you are going to make a stand, then make a stand. You are sending contradictory messages. You say "I am not going to put up with this, you need to leave" and then you don't enforce it. You haven't really been DB'ing at all- you've been letting your H pull your strings like you are a puppet.
You need to DETACH, let your husband sit in his own stuff, GET A LIFE, and stop letting someone else (who is obviously screwed up) determine whether or not you are "good enough". What kind of example are you setting for your D???
"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us."
Stephen R. Covey
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Arwen-I really like you:) You are SO right. The truth is...I am scared. I am scared because what if I push him away for good. I am scared to be a single parent and what if I do not find love again. I am scared because I grew up so normal( well no one is normal..everyone has issues) and I want that for my kids. I do not want them to be shuffled around and have to deal with step family issues. It scares me. I do let him puppet me because I hurt. Honestly, I do not understand what I did to him that was so awful...why he hates me SO much and why did he stop loving me!I honestly do not know how to turn this around. Nothing I do seems to matter to him...he is not scared of losing me at all.
Stronger- I will read that book, that really shocks me because I was watching something on him and his wife the other day and I said to myself, how sweet, I wish someone loved me that much. Like I said above..I do not know how to change this mess around..because he could care less if I was in his life or not..he just does not want to lose the kids.
Read the book. It just goes to show you, EVERYONE has problems. It's a just a matter of how the two people chose to fix it.
If you want a new marriage with your H you need to figure out a new course of action because this one is just making you nutz and not progressing one way or another.
So what is your suggestion? What course of action do I take? Right now I am worried about OW again because he stopped the snuggling and S and stuff...his confidence is back..he no longer "needs or wants" me! I NEVER talk about R...not anymore. Not worth my time or frustration..right now it is all about me and my children and providing the kind of life that I wanted for them! Not this dysfunctioal BC that my H is creating along with all of his baggage that he is putting onto our children.
