Shell.....that W of yours needs a good kick in the arse. Give it to her. Expose the A to her H. It doesn't matter if it has gone to a PA or not, it's innappropriate, plain and simple.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ok, made it through the cross country meet. Sat across from her on another bench. After about 40 minutes she came over and sat next to me. I continued to carry on a conversation with the people next to me but really did not give her the time of the day. Then she tells the kids that she can't make dinner with them. She has other plans. Ok with me, but s10 was hurt. He kept asking where she ws going but she would not say. I know however that she had made plans to go to some event with another male friend (this is NOT an OM, jsut a friend.) Now why she could not be honest is beyond me.
Robx, your post was excellent. A lot to work on there. Some things I can control, others may have some legal ramifications so I need to be somewhat careful. However, I think the bottom line is to continue to take control of the situation away from her. I cant let her continue to hurt the boys - or me for that matter.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Mishka, interesting, I called the counties around where the OM lives and was unable to find any D filings for him and his wife. I could not hit one county (they say they are not on line). Now I realize why W is so frightened of that. I want to do a little more homework before I make that move, but I believe that she desrves to know. She has a child prior to that marriage so its even more important. Then again, she may not care at all.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
You've got some heavy hitter here for affair-busting, manning up, detachment and LRT. Listen to them.
I am better at stuff like giving a female or WAW viewpoint, getting inside your W's head, and with ideas to bring the two of you closer when/if you get there.
I would be more than happy to answer questions for you if you have any, but I don't see a need to repeat what's already been said so far.
Let me know if you need me!
Cheers,
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Right now I need to focus on no discussion with her. My goal is 24 hours. This afternoon will be a challenge because of the kids.
why limit yourself to 24 hours. why not think in terms of 24 days or 48 days of 'I don't need to communicate with you you cheated on me.' I understand the complexity children bring into this situation, and how that will require some communication now (as well as many years into the future). But why not hit hard right from the start? no contact, no concern, can you watch the kids tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend...
I see so many husbands with wayward wifes who after the initial shock of discovery subsides, look to find out what happened, if marriage counselling is a possibility, if the wife wants to reconcilled immediately. And I see so many situations where this pushes the wayward wife into moving out, secretism, and continued contact with the OM. They are still option 2 and willing to stay that way for a long time, the wayward wife knows that and takes advantage of that all she can (read it over and over on this site) sometimes until she realizes this husband never "manned up" and OM#2 comes along.
I see the best course of action to be the attitude and direction of 'I dont need this in my life. I dont need you in my life.' Ending all conversation, going out living your life as if the wayward wife is no longer a part of it. She has alot to think about right now. She just got busted, she has no idea what is going on in the OM's marriage, nor how much the OM has lied to her. Oh yeah, he lied up and down to her. That is all part of the game. You can lay your money down that there was no divorce in his future. There may have been strife in his marriage, he was unhappy for sure, and your wife was his better option to play with. But no man goes through life thinking I have no problem paying alimony and child support to be with you, someone I barely know. That is going to hit her like a ton of bricks, as his lies of 'We'll be together soon' become mixed with I have to stay home tonight because of some lie then we are trying marriage counselling but I still love you. LOL.
Now if the shellshockedga option suddenly was removed for the table. immediately. crap she has even more to think about. No more option number 2. and option 1 dont want his wife to find out the truth of how he feels about me. that is a tough spot to be in. losing everything. so, unless you beat her, were an alcoholic she could no longer stand to be around, or had a history of cheating on her yourself, you are probably not a bad option in her mind, you just didnt stimulate those brain chemicals the way a secret affair can. That 'fix' will come to end quick as his wife finds out and $hit hits the fan at his house. It will be then she questions what she lost.
Turn the table! If you make her face this reality and the consequences of her choices immediately and while there is uncertainity in what she was choosing to backstab you with, you can avoid the roller coaster of yes, no, maybes that waywards wifes tend to put their husbands through.
Well, made it through the past 24 hours. No talking to her. Interesting thing happened. (per script)
1. She sent a txt to me yesterday asking why I was ugly to her for not speaking with her - followed by I guess I understand. (I did not respond)
2. She called the children prior to her "covert" concert to say goodnight to the boys. When I saw the caller ID, I just gave it to the boys.
3. This morning she sent a txt regarding renting our condo and asking me to make sure it was clean. I did respond - with "k" a little knock on the way she has been speaking to me.
4. She then followed that up with two back to back IMs. "Well I guess we are not speaking now?" and then the second" "I am stil the same person that you knew 20 years ago. I am here when you are ready to talk. I am so sorry I hurt you, truly." I did not respond.
All, what do I expect next? You all have been spot on.
I think everyone realizes that I have myself in a situation with this birds nesting that is not going to go away immediately. It has some current implications which are going to make the next 4 days challenging, but NOT overcomable (did I make up that word?)
Over the next 4 days we will both be in the house because she rented my condo (which is ok $$$.) I have plans to go out Friday, I am going to dress up and then not tell her what I am doing. Probably hit a movie, but thats ok. Sat I will not see her all day, Sunday, we will attend church together. Thoughts and suggestions on how to navigate this - with out commenting on the obvious need to change the current living situation?
Thanks to all.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Always look great. Show her that you can live a happy life without her. Be a great dad to your sons. Find ways to enjoy life.
By the way, there is still no need to talk to her. She needs to realize she made mistakes first and be remorseful for them. "I am sorry I hurt you" just doesn't cut it.
She has alot to think about right now. She just got busted, she has no idea what is going on in the OM's marriage, nor how much the OM has lied to her. Oh yeah, he lied up and down to her. That is all part of the game. You can lay your money down that there was no divorce in his future. There may have been strife in his marriage, he was unhappy for sure, and your wife was his better option to play with. But no man goes through life thinking I have no problem paying alimony and child support to be with you, someone I barely know. That is going to hit her like a ton of bricks, as his lies of 'We'll be together soon' become mixed with I have to stay home tonight because of some lie then we are trying marriage counselling but I still love you. LOL.
BINGO.
This is SCRIPT, and happens 90% of the time. Read and heed!!!
3. This morning she sent a txt regarding renting our condo and asking me to make sure it was clean. I did respond - with "k" a little knock on the way she has been speaking to me.
Why do you need to make sure the condo is clean? Are you the only one with access to that condo? Does she have keys? Can she not do this? If her hands aren't broken and since she's asking about renting the condo out, let her take care of cleaning it - yes. I would reply back to her on this and tell her you're too busy to clean up the condo, she will need to take care of it or just leave it as is. Nothing more needs to be said.
Expose the A to her H. It doesn't matter if it has gone to a PA or not, it's innappropriate, plain and simple.